First Steps / Second Time: V.P. of Standards

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

V.P. of Standards

Everyone has their standards. Everyone on this earth sees things from a different perspective and judges the things that are important to them differently. I find this extremely interesting when it comes to dating because everyone’s idea of the ideal mate is so, well, different. So often I’ve worked with someone for months (or years) and gotten to know them before I meet their partner and then … I’m shocked! Either they go together really well and I just wouldn’t have predicted it or they don’t go together at all but you don’t know how to tell them (what do you know, anyway?). This, apparently, was the situation with my ex but people didn’t exactly have a problem telling me. The problem was that I didn’t listen.

The conundrum I’ve found in dating after divorce is that your standards have changed since the first time around and once you get over the initial trauma, you usually know what you’re looking for and don’t bother with what you’re not. But is this an injustice to your future relationship status? Since my marriage ended, I have erected extremely high standards and as of right now, I’m not looking to adjust them. A friend of mine mentioned that my standards might be a tad too high and I might want to lower them a bit, but isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place? Uh, yes.

So, for now, I probably won’t be going on too many dates because George Clooney seems like a commitment-phobe and Bradley Cooper seems busy with Jennifer Aniston, at least temporarily. And I’m fine with that, really. I’d much rather go for quality, all the way. But it can cast a shadow of doubt that by not giving certain men a chance, I could be losing out on something great. I mean, my standards are high: no mandals, unless you’ve had a pedicure in the recent past; no Sundays on the couch watching sports – college or pro; no baseball caps, unless you’re actually playing baseball; and no home improvement projects. If I want to improve the house, I’ll hire someone to do what I want, not you. Sorry. Oh, and I prefer a non-smokers who aren't die hard Grateful Dead fans.

There is the chance, however, that the not extremely-attractive man your friend sets you up with might be someone you could have a future with. Maybe you’re not initially attracted to him, but if your friend went to the effort to hook you up, you could give him a chance. At least one date, right? You never know. My parents, who have been married for 42 years, hated each other when they met and both went to their boss to say, “either he goes or I go.” Eight months later they were married.

But no matter how many times I go back and forth about this, I never seem to be able to conjure up the energy to go for someone I’m not really jazzed about. Maybe that will hurt me in the long run, or maybe I’ll save myself from a ton of awful dates. I just feel that there is someone out there who lives up to my standards and I want to be with someone who lives life with grace and graciousness and wants to be with someone whose standards are as high as mine. For this I refer to the gold standard: Audrey Hepburn. Can you see her dating a man wearing Teva’s and a baseball cap? I think not.

http://www.datingish.com/706968026/my-standards-are-too-high-but-i-like-it/

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.