The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power.