Exactly two years today I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not realizing the irony of ending my marriage on Independence Day, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I sincerely hope I will never have to do anything so difficult again.
I had been married for only 1 year and 8 months but I knew that the man I had given my future to was not the man for me. I’m not exactly sure how I knew this, but I did know that my husband did not bring out the best in me. And isn’t that what a marriage is supposed to do? Bring out the best in you so that you’re the best person you can be and be proud of that person?
The most agonizing part about trying to end my marriage, side by side with the fact that my husband did not feel the same, was that I couldn’t explain in concrete terms exactly why I wanted out. For about a year, I had been waking up every day and thinking to myself, ‘I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.’ I noticed that the more time I spent with my husband the more uncomfortable, tense and nauseated I felt. I was less willing to compromise and had almost no desire to have sex. He brought me flowers and I could barely make myself say thank you. I practically shunned his touch. Sadly, the more he tried to improve our relationship, the more I realized I didn’t want a relationship with him.
But telling your husband that you want to break your marital vows because you’re just “not happy” is not an easy route out the back door. He had a plea for every explanation I could offer: We’d only been married for a short time and marriages have ups and downs; we hadn’t spent enough time together because of his work schedule; I was unhappy at my job and that was clouding my judgment; I wasn’t crazy about his parents so we wouldn’t have to spend time with them; we could move back closer to my family. It was exhausting on both sides but on the positive side, each argument made me see more clearly how I was not playing the right role.
This was probably the most difficult time because of one thing: guilt. My husband had not done anything wrong. If anyone had, it was probably me. After all, I think I knew somewhere very deep in my heart that I was settling into this marriage, but I did it anyway. Nevertheless, the guilt was tearing me apart and I didn’t know where to turn. I even tried a divorce support group but that made me feel even worse because it was a bunch of people who had been dumped by their spouses. Not exactly the support I was hoping for.
There are hundreds, probably thousands, of self-help books, websites, magazines and blogs that promise to help you through the divorce process and beyond – how to get through the legal battles, the loneliness, how to rally the support of your friends, talk to your children, know when you’re ready to date again. There are even a number of resources to help you through the difficulties of your marriage, counseling services that teach you how to reconnect with your spouse, get the romance back and rediscover why you got married in the first place.
But as far as I know, there are no resources out there to help you get from “I want a divorce” to signing the papers. In your mind, your marriage is over. You want the quickest, cleanest way back to single life. You know it’s the best thing for all parties involved but you’re unsure of the exact path. In my experience, when you get to the place where you're confident you want a divorce, you are emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. And it’s in this place that you have to find more strength and trust in yourself than you ever could have imagined.
First, you have realize you deserve more -- you do deserve to be happy. Then, you have to actually trust yourself and believe it, which, of course, is easier than it sounds. Lastly, you have to do something about it. You have to fight to make it happen. This is an incredibly difficult process and takes a great amount of time and energy. But I found it to be the most liberating process of my life. As I’ve said many times to many people, going through a divorce is both the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me.
There is something so amazing about realizing you’re at rock bottom and then realizing you, and only you, can pull yourself out of it. You are the most powerful person in your life and when the time comes, independence may be just what the doctor ordered.
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