First Steps / Second Time: Babes in Waiting

Friday, July 3, 2009

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.