Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it?