I recently came across this article on the five things men fear most about dating. I was struck by the first sentence, “most people don’t like to date.” Really? That’s excellent news. I thought I was the only one stuck in anxiety-ridden denial. It goes on to say that dating, “is a necessary stepping stone that many approach with resolve, dread or even fear.” Yup – I’m in for all three.
#1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends I have to say that I really have no desire to come between any man and his friends. I think friendships may just be the most important relationships we have in our lives. But if there’s a machismo thing going on and his buddies can’t accept that their friend is in a (hopefully) mature relationship, then I want no part of it. And I’d like some clarification: are men truly afraid that you’ll come between them and their friends or are they just scared they can’t act like college frat boys whenever they want?
#2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time I am not a trained psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I did take a class called “Marriage and Family” in college and I can tell you that one of the ways to ensure a healthy relationship is to have a balance of “me” time and “together” time. You are two people, not one, and spending time on your own and with people other than your mate can only strengthen what you have together. Bringing new perspectives or even hobbies to the relationship keeps it interesting, and keeps you interested in each other. I do love together time – don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think 24/7 together time is good for anyone.
On the other hand, If men fear being confined in a relationship, maybe they should discuss that with their potential partner (imagine the possibilities!). They may even find that their partner would appreciate time apart more than they would. Dating does soak up a big part of your free time, but isn’t that the point?
Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy As infuriating as this is, I don’t have the time or energy to get into why, over the centuries, women are continually classified as crazy, but it’s a persistent stereotype. Yes, we get our periods once a month, which usually sends our hormones into overdrive and we may act slightly irrational. But men are just as moody, if not more. (There's actually a street in my ex's hometown called "Moody Blvd." and I always used kid him that it was his street.) Anyway, if you don’t believe me, try to have a conversation with a man whose football team just lost their game. Women might cry over corny commercials or movies made by the Hallmark channel, but if it was ok for men to cry in public, they’d be all over it.
And if a guy is worried about the girlfriend who calls 20 times a day to check on him, then he needs to check on his own self-esteem. He’s the one who’s attracting someone who needs to need him. If this behavior bothers him, end it. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll do or who it will hurt. If it’s not working, say good-bye. You’re staying because you secretly like to be needed and you’ll keep dating the same woman over and over until you fix that. And if you see this scenario happen with your friends, don’t immediately blame it on the girlfriend, ok?
Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him A man’s pride is a delicate thing. My mother always told me that my father got truly angry at her only when he knew she was right. Call a guy out on something and I bet you’ll find this to be the case. Men want to be right. Men want to be more successful than you. They want to be worshipped and they want you to look at them like they hang the moon.
When you truly love someone, I believe these things actually fall into place, but in the dating world, it’s hard to find someone that is on equal ground with you, knows he’s on equal ground with you and is ok being on equal ground with you. That is your true partner. So until you find that person, I say don’t worship anyone other than yourself (or your kids) and men, get over being threatened by successful women because they’re everywhere and you’ll have a better chance at finding a partner if you understand that and celebrate it.
Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot and high maintenance women frighten the crap out of men. This is another area where you need to find an equal partner. I’ve known many women who spend an hour getting ready to go to the grocery story or won’t leave the house after they’ve had their eyebrows waxed because they look like they’re wearing pink eyeshadow. But I’ve also known men who take longer than their wives to get ready and require a separate bathroom with separate accoutrements.
If you fear women just cannot be pleased, again you’re dating the wrong women. If you can’t please her, end it and move on. If you really like her, explain your feelings to her and maybe you can work on it together. Otherwise, bye-bye. But I also wonder how/why you are afraid of attracting these women. Do you try to hard to please in general? Do you desperately want the approval of a woman? It’s a possibility. (Again, I'm not a trained psychologist.)
As you can probably tell, I wasn’t all that impressed with this article but it is true that fear drives so much of our lives, especially when it comes to dating and even more so after divorce I believe. We’re all scared. There was a time when we thought we had it all under control and now we’re back out in the open, naked to the elements and trying to navigate our way without a g.p.s. Nonetheless, both partners must take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and the better we know ourselves, the better we’ll understand our potential partners.
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