First Steps / Second Time: Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

According to Glamour magazine™, there are certain dating faux pas that women across generations tend to make.

First, women sometimes date just to date and because of this, get frustrated by the sheer number of unproductive, poor quality dates they end up on. Their suggestion is to redirect your negative energy and start over by dating only what you think of as “good guys.” There may not be as many dates in your future, but there won’t be as many duds either. Quality, not quantity. A novel idea.

Next, do not travel in packs. Men are not going to take out their bravery badge on a Friday night and filter through the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to ask you out. Getting shot down in front of a gaggle of girls? Not likely. If you’re out with the girls for a night on the town, great, but if you’re going out with the intention of finding a date, it’s better to fly solo. Glamour suggests a lounge or restaurant and indulging in a good book. I'm not sure if I'm quite that brave but you may be.

To borrow from the popular expression that went from being the fountain of youth of vital dating information, to a Sex and the City episode, to a best-selling book, to a movie, “he’s just not that into you.” A man knows right away if he is attracted to you and if he wants to take it to the next level, he will. Don’t spend your time over-analyzing the date, phone call, email, text or Facebook comment. If you have time to do these things, chances are he’s not into you. If he likes you, you’ll know it.

Next, easy on the liquid courage. Women tend to make this mistake often. A couple of drinks to help you relax usually turns into 3, 4 or more and then you’re toast. This is when bad stuff happens and too much information is shared. You’re on a date, not a therapy session or with your best friend at the beach, so have a drink to relax and then try some lemonade or diet coke or something (caution against Red Bull). You don’t want him to see that side of you before he knows your middle name.

Hand in hand with liquid courage is verbal diarrhea. Let him talk. Listening is one of the most wonderful qualities and while he probably knows in the first 10 minutes whether he’s into you or not, let him talk so you can find out if you’re into him. Glamour says “allowing him to direct the conversation will also ensure that you don’t spill too much.” In my opinion, this technique also has the added bonus of flattery. Guys will think you’re a dream if it seems you are actually interested in what they’re saying.

The last suggestion Glamour gives is to “Mind your manners.” I would have thought this was a given, but I guess I’m wrong again -- here's when me being a 60 year-old in a 34 year-old body comes into play. So, don’t forget to smile, be polite, make eye contact and say thank you. Manners are key and will set you apart from everyone else when it comes down to it – just like a job interview, but I won’t get into the similarities between dating and job interviews right now, lucky for you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.