Studio pix

As I enter into the world of online dating, or trying to find someone to date online, it amazes me to see how many men have studio portraits of themselves posted as their pictures. And I'm not just talking one or two. I'm talking a handful of staged shots that they paid a professional photographer to take in their studio. They are each slightly different -- the backdrop will change color or the "subject" will be leaning with elbow on knee and chin resting on fist. Sometimes the blazer is on - other times off. 

But whatever pose they chose, they are still studio shots taken by a PHOTOGRAPHER in a STUDIO. I don't get it. Is this a common practice that I have not thus far been aware of? Are there certain studios/photographers who specialize is such shots, or can you just contact anyone with a camera and a backdrop? 

Do they use these photos for other purposes? Or is it strictly for online dating? Cuz I don't think they're using them for their resume (as is the new trend even though I am vehemently opposed). If you have any insight, please let me know as my subscription with eharmony is about to expire and I do not intend to renew it ... even though this will mean no more studio photos to gag at. I think I can live with it. 

Ex talk

Post divorce dating, in my experience, usually involves two divorced people. That being said, talk always comes around to the ex -- why it ended, how long ago, who initiated, etc.

But I struggle over how much talk about the ex is acceptable. I know you have to reveal the basics, but do you really want to know all the details? You want them to know who you really are, which involves how you got to where you are, but do THEY want to know? I have no idea. I don't know if it's appropriate or not to talk about how/why it ended. If it's not, how come it always seems to come up? Do you look needy and not over it if you discuss it? If you don't, do you look cold and unfeeling? 

I've found there's a certain camaraderie among divorced people. It's comforting to meet more people with the Scarlet "D" and know it's not just the the kids who skipped class in high school to go smoke weed that are in this boat with you. So it's natural that the ex talk comes up, but isn't it weird to be talking about how you didn't make your marriage work with someone you could potentially forming a relationship with? When do you know how much is enough? How do you know if their ex still on their mind and you should steer clear? 

The cereal incident

In September of last year, I had the privilege of emptying the "marital home" of all of my belongings. When I arrived at the house (which I hadn't seen in 1 year and which was currently being occupied by my almost-ex husband), I was greeted by a number of post-it notes. The notes were attached to a bunch of things he was claiming.

The first was located on the outdoor welcome mat. As my good, good friend reminded me as she held my hand and my eyes rolled into the back of my head, getting upset over this was just not worth it. Then she changed her tune. We entered the house to find half of our household items and furniture tagged with such notes. Each one -- with the heading of 'remember this' -- clearly stated "mine." Not yours. Mine.

He wanted the TV set I owned before I knew him. Not. He wanted the dresser I had before I knew him. Nope. He wanted gifts we had gotten from my friends. No way. But the kicker ... the BIG fat kicker was the cereal. He was not letting go of his half-eaten box of cereal. No deal.

Now I could go into how this so obviously made me see very clearly how right I was in wanting to end my marriage - how ridiculously immature, childish and stubborn this man is, but I won't. I think the cereal speaks for itself. When I took this photo, I was so irritated I couldn't see the humor in it. But when my friend and I saw it again that night over a bottle of wine at a nice hotel down the street, we couldn't stop laughing. We emailed it to everyone we knew with the subject line, "This is not a joke." Maybe attaching post-it notes is a common procedure in the divorce process, but I don't think so.

And I decided at that moment that I simply must write a book. Whatever that book is about doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have a perfect shot for the cover. No ifs about it.

Occupation cowboy

I awoke this morning to find an email from eharmony, re: a new match. The emails they send to inform you of such a situation include minimal information - name, city, age, occupation. If you want more info, of course, you log on to find their picture, likes and dislikes, etc. 

My new match, for April 18, 2009 is David. From Hollywood. Age 46. Occupation: cowboy. 

Enough said. 

The dreaded first call

I  have been communicating with someone online, my first in the online dating world. We've chatted back and forth and bit and seemed to be getting along fine when he suggested we talk on the phone. Makes sense. Except that now I don't really want to talk to him. Seeing his picture and reading his emails was good enough. 

But I mustered up the courage to call last night and fortunately got his voicemail. UNfortunately, it was a prerecorded message, not his voice. No scoops there. He called me back around 9:45, but I didn't pick up the phone. I ignored his call for two reasons. (1) because I was too big of a chicken (2) because it was almost 10 o'clock at night and the last thing I want to do before bed is get nervous and/or tense (neurosis, clearly). So he emailed me to say he'd REALLY like to talk to me ... could we chat during the day, maybe during lunch? 

This irritated me (yes, I am easily irritated) for 2 reasons. (1) Ummmm ... - I have a job and do not wish to slack off during the day to talk to some guy that I MIGHT be interested in for the FIRST time. Duh. (2) I know I'm "perfection on a stick" (as one of my favorite people in the world recently told me), but HE doesn't know that. So what the hell is the rush? I mean, we met through a site called eharmony for christ's sake. I don't think there's a big hurry. Lucky for him, I'm not going anywhere. 

Mr. Futon

You will soon see that I have a habit (whether good or bad) of nicknaming people. It's something I picked up at work from my colleagues who also share this talent. I find it relevant to share this fun fact because I am going to start off my 'dating after divorce' blog with Mr. Futon.

Some people have suggested to me that the grocery store is a good place to meet potential dating prospects. I tend to disagree. While I grocery shop as much as every other food-loving American, I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone in the grocery store that I might want to have a future with, but that's just me.

I have, however, been asked out after visiting a futon store. Yup. True story. While shopping for a futon mattress last summer, I met the man I have since named Mr. Futon. Mr. Futon had owned his futon store for 27 years. He was one of the original futon sellers in the county. His entire family was in the futon business. All good information to have as a customer and I left the store satisfied with my futon purchase.

While on my way back to work, Mr. Futon calls to say that "in 27 years of business" he has never done what he's about to do -- ask me out. He thinks I have a nice smile. I seem like a nice person and he wants to know if I want to meet him for a drink or dinner. Ummmm .... now since this was not exactly someone I would want to spend time with, I froze. I froze and said, "I'll think about it." He responded by saying that it was up to me. If I was interested, I could give him a call. Now, this being my first post-marriage potential date experience, I wasn't exactly sure what to do. So I did nothing. I didn't call him back and I did think much about it. But I did get a good deal on that futon.

The internet

OK - here's where I really need help, the internet as a dating tool. Really? Really. 

I did it. I joined eharmony. I was bored. I was in a rut. And I wanted to see what's out there. Surprise, surprise ... it ain't pretty. I can honestly say that 95% of the "matches" are ridiculous. Lucky for me, they are almost comically ridiculous - (example #1: the semi-professional latin dancer whose pictures you can imagine for yourself). 

Aside from the entertainment factor (more of which I promise to share later), I'd like to get others feedback because I've found it to be a pretty disappointing experience. Sitting at the computer eating take-out sushi and drinking cheap wine while trying to find someone you can connect with just doesn't seem ideal. I know no dating scenario is ideal, but I still think there's something wrong with looking for love online. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I'm old, but there's something a bit too cut through about it. I mean ... if you answer a question wrong, you're going to get eliminated. You're done. 

That's what I do. If you play the guitar, done. If you wear dark, think-rimmed glasses, sorry. If you ride a motorcycle, nope. If you're 42 and work for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, see ya. If you listen to the Grateful Dead, forget it! So maybe these internet sites have the right idea. One of the perks of dating after you've been through a marriage that isn't working is that you know you don't want to compromise anymore. If it isn't there, then it just isn't there, so why waste time? I just wonder if we can really tell that from "profiles," "must haves," and "can't stands."

One of the questions I was asked on eharmony is, "If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play you?" Seriously??? How does one even begin to answer such a juvenile/silly/telling question? Does this stuff work? They claim there's science behind it. Hmmm. 

More questions for us internet-daters to ponder: 

1. What 3 characteristics would your friends use to describe you? (I think I'd rather not know) 

2. What is the first thing people notice about you? (Ummmm, my hair. It's a little bigger than I am)

 

3. Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting 

B) karaoke singing

C) finding a new route to work 

D) ordering a dish you've never tried before 

Do you think I turned away half of my prospects by honestly answering (c)? I would imagine so. But at least I don't have to see their eyes roll as I answer via computer.