And he vacuums

Apparently I’m a cynic. I never considered myself one, but as things continue to delight in the relationship department, I’m beginning to wonder if there can be there too much of a good thing. My inner skeptic is acting aggressively lately and I’m just not sure whom to believe. My heart is asking me to sit back, relax and enjoy, but the skeptic is warning me to take out the common sense and apply with care. I mean, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, right?

It was only a few weeks ago I wrote about finding comfort in being able to enjoy a good, healthy relationship without worrying where it’s headed. No sooner did I get those words on the screen that I started worrying about trusting myself too much, if that’s possible. And just as those nagging thoughts started to appear, it seemed as if conversations about relationships were everywhere. And conversations about relationships make me think of my own relationship, even when I had decided against that very thing.

Even he wanted to talk about our relationship. Yes, ladies, the man brought up the future. Surprise, surprise. He wasn’t nervous, awkward or needy. No pressure, no demands, just a mature, adult male (yes I did say mature adult male) who knows how he feels, what he wants and is confident enough to discuss it without the slightest bit of discomfort.

When the guy you’re in a good, healthy relationship with continues to act like a mature adult male, can you help but wonder if it’s just too darn good to be true? Recently, my mature adult male-friend and I marveled at each other and our relationship – how seamlessly things are working out, how naturally everything fits together. We asked each other, Is this it? Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when its right? Is this what people in happy relationships experience? Is this what we’ve been striving to find all these years? Can this last? How do you know?

I asked the opinion of a friend of mine who said, “you just know.” And I know she’s right. As much as I want a checklist of rights and wrongs, dos and don’ts and a higher power to wake me during the night to give me a definitive answer, preferably in writing, we all know that’s not going to happen. You have to figure it out on your own. You can solicit advice from every person you’ve met since kindergarten. You can do a free survey on surveymonkey.com. and you can have your tarot cards read, but it’s your decision and yours alone.

The thing about this decision that keeps me up at night is the question of trust. How do you know when you can and should trust yourself, when the decision you made the first time around was less than stellar? How do you know the difference between a real, lasting connection and getting lost in the giddiness of a new, comfortable relationship? How do you know if the little things you love about him now will drive you crazy in the future? I think my friend was right – you just know. When you dig down really deep and tell yourself the complete and honest truth, only then can you trust yourself and make the right decisions.

I’m not an expert on relationships, just a 35 year-old woman navigating this very complicated and sometimes exhausting world of dating. So for now my answer is to trust. Trust and enjoy every second with the man who says everything has changed for the better since we met: he feels better, sees things more clearly, wants more from life. He’s astonished that I have no idea how wonderful I am. I’m astonished that that this warm, wonderful, kind and considerate man was basically delivered to my doorstep – a man who took down my Christmas tree and immediately started vacuuming the house without me even showing him where the vacuum was kept. Stop the press, ladies … can there by anything sexier than a man vacuuming? I think not. So let’s pray together that there’s no such thing as too good to be true.

My First Dress - the Mayor

My first post-marriage dating experience was actually a pretty good one. The way it happened really worked out to my advantage. The stars were aligned and I was about to try on my first dress in the world of single people. Again.  

We met at a networking event when I happened to notice what my mom would call “a good-looking fellow,” and I gave him the once-over … with positive results. This was big. It was the first time in years that I had noticed someone and could actually picture myself with him. For the presentation, we ended up sitting next to each other and had a pretty good chat. (To borrow from my pre-teen years in New Jersey), this was MAJOR. I was ok (sweating profusely, but ok) talking to an attractive man I’d never met before, and he seemed to be thinking I wasn’t too bad either.

When the presentation ended he casually turned to me and said, “are you hungry?” “I’m starved,” I said (because I really was. I can’t stand these networking events where they pour wine down your throat but won’t give you so much as a cracker to go with it. I’m a lightweight, people, and I need food to sustain myself for the actual networking portion of the evening).

We left and met at a restaurant downtown and it wasn’t long before he spilled the beans. This was actually a set-up. A mutual friend suggested he attend the event because I was going to be there and she thought we’d hit it off. I hadn’t a clue but it was fine with me. We were having a nice dinner and he was nice to look at. He seemed really genuine, too. Our mutual friend had told him about my situation so he told me his, which wasn’t much different. He seemed understanding and I felt completely comfortable talking about the big “D” on our foreheads. Dinner went on, me with another glass of wine (come on, I wasn’t that comfortable) – and he with a coke. I learned during dinner that he was the Mayor of a local city and the lead singer of a rock band. I felt a little awkward, maybe even a tad unworthy, but what the hell? He asked me out.

What I didn’t learn during that dinner but could have easily guessed was that he was a player as well. But honestly, even if I had known, I really don’t think I would have changed things. I was dating someone. Someone other than my useless ex-husband found me attractive. It was out with the old and in with the new. I was surviving and enjoying simultaneously.

I knew we didn’t have a long-term future together: he ate out three meals a day, drank ONLY coca-cola, turned the a/c off in his house when he wasn’t home (In south Florida!!!) and he jumped at a free meal like the best of the Boca Raton Red Hat Ladies. But possibly the most irksome quality about Mr. Mayor was that he communicated primarily through text messages. But I was dating! We did movies and dinner together. We had a weekend getaway in Naples. I watched him rock the crowd on Friday nights and he loved my dog.

When we had been dating for a couple of months, however, he decided to tell me a little more about his past, specifically about how he cheated on his last live-in girlfriend with one of the area’s newscasters and as a result, his city will never get any news coverage from her. Why he decided to share this information is still a mystery to me. But even more specifically, he explained how the two women involved found out about his charade and confronted him, together, in his house. I got a great chuckle and a minor bout of stomach cramps from this conversation but since he was being so forthcoming, somehow it ended with us deciding to date only each other.

Or at least that’s what I thought. A couple of days later – 3 to be exact – a good friend breaks the news to me that Mr. Mayor asked out one of her colleagues. Since she knew we were supposedly together, she emailed him and asked him if he was seeing anyone. He gave a very vague answer and went on to say how he really wanted to take her to this upcoming event. I was going to be out of town for the event so I guess he needed an escort.  

Ok. Fine. He didn’t want to be monogamous. I had noticed while we were together that he had a virtual checklist: a checklist of all the things he wanted in a wife and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until he got them. All. And I didn’t possess them, nor did I really want to. And the final straw was incredibly immature way he handled the situation.

After things blew over a bit, I called him to see if I could stop by. I wanted to end things quickly but painlessly. We were both adults, right? Not exactly. As he opened the front door, I got a really strange feeling. Maybe it was because he had rearranged the living room as if a therapy session was taking place with he as the therapist and me, of course, as the patient. I guess he knew that I wanted to end things, but he wasn’t going to let that to happen. HE wanted to end things. And that’s what he did.

He cut me off before I could say anything. He wanted me to commiserate with him that although we had a good time together, there really wasn’t any spark. What bothered him most was that he didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when he saw me. But he felt really bad for feeling this way.  He wanted me to know that I didn’t do anything wrong. He told me I was smart. And pretty. And asked me if I was ok – again, and again, and again. Yes, Mr. Mayor, although I will no longer be hanging out in a house with 2 liter Coke aplenty, I think I’ll be ok, especially because now I don’t have to watch the last movie in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. 

Annoying Things Couples Do - this should be good!

http://www.examiner.com/x-8510-Real-Relationship-Examiner~y2009m6d13-LizList-Top-10-Annoying-Things-Couples-Do-Part-1

This is not my beautiful house ...

It’s late Saturday morning and I’m in the midst of one of my favorite single gal activities – sleeping in, big breakfast, catching up on ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. (I even took the “which Sex in the City” character are you quiz? Not shocking the result was Charlotte.) Sipping from my favorite giant coffee mug is the cherry on top. I love sleeping in on Saturdays and I love not having to ask anyone else what they want for breakfast or having to decide who’s gonna walk the dog. But I can’t help but think about how I got here.

I’m 34 and divorced. Now I know that’s not wrong or indicative of any serious character flaws, but no matter how much I tell myself that, there’s still doubt in my mind. There’s still the look in people’s eyes when I tell them. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but sometimes I think people are secretly asking, “You?” “You’re divorced?” “What happened?”

The “what happened” question is my least favorite, because no matter what happened, no one will ever understand; unless, of course, they’ve been through it. And it never ceases to amaze me who has been through it. I look around at my friends and still can’t believe how many of them are in the same boat and in particular, which ones. I think back to high school and if you lined up my friends and I, we never would have been the ones picked out as those who would end up in divorce court. We were the ‘most like to succeed,’ ‘best dressed,’ ‘best all around,’ group and in long-term relationships. I guess that’s how meaningful high school is and goes to show you, we’re not in high school anymore.

And no matter how hard you try, you can’t predict anything. Some of us married our polar opposites -- the exact people our parents warned us against. The smarter ones married the men our families adored – they were perfect on paper and looked perfect next to you. And still, divorce has reared its ugly head. So my only advice, if I’m permitted to offer some, go with your gut and never look back.

4 steps for success in dating after divorce 

http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/dating-after-divorce-4-tips-for-success-964335.html

Studio pix

As I enter into the world of online dating, or trying to find someone to date online, it amazes me to see how many men have studio portraits of themselves posted as their pictures. And I'm not just talking one or two. I'm talking a handful of staged shots that they paid a professional photographer to take in their studio. They are each slightly different -- the backdrop will change color or the "subject" will be leaning with elbow on knee and chin resting on fist. Sometimes the blazer is on - other times off. 

But whatever pose they chose, they are still studio shots taken by a PHOTOGRAPHER in a STUDIO. I don't get it. Is this a common practice that I have not thus far been aware of? Are there certain studios/photographers who specialize is such shots, or can you just contact anyone with a camera and a backdrop? 

Do they use these photos for other purposes? Or is it strictly for online dating? Cuz I don't think they're using them for their resume (as is the new trend even though I am vehemently opposed). If you have any insight, please let me know as my subscription with eharmony is about to expire and I do not intend to renew it ... even though this will mean no more studio photos to gag at. I think I can live with it. 

Ex talk

Post divorce dating, in my experience, usually involves two divorced people. That being said, talk always comes around to the ex -- why it ended, how long ago, who initiated, etc.

But I struggle over how much talk about the ex is acceptable. I know you have to reveal the basics, but do you really want to know all the details? You want them to know who you really are, which involves how you got to where you are, but do THEY want to know? I have no idea. I don't know if it's appropriate or not to talk about how/why it ended. If it's not, how come it always seems to come up? Do you look needy and not over it if you discuss it? If you don't, do you look cold and unfeeling? 

I've found there's a certain camaraderie among divorced people. It's comforting to meet more people with the Scarlet "D" and know it's not just the the kids who skipped class in high school to go smoke weed that are in this boat with you. So it's natural that the ex talk comes up, but isn't it weird to be talking about how you didn't make your marriage work with someone you could potentially forming a relationship with? When do you know how much is enough? How do you know if their ex still on their mind and you should steer clear? 

The cereal incident

In September of last year, I had the privilege of emptying the "marital home" of all of my belongings. When I arrived at the house (which I hadn't seen in 1 year and which was currently being occupied by my almost-ex husband), I was greeted by a number of post-it notes. The notes were attached to a bunch of things he was claiming.

The first was located on the outdoor welcome mat. As my good, good friend reminded me as she held my hand and my eyes rolled into the back of my head, getting upset over this was just not worth it. Then she changed her tune. We entered the house to find half of our household items and furniture tagged with such notes. Each one -- with the heading of 'remember this' -- clearly stated "mine." Not yours. Mine.

He wanted the TV set I owned before I knew him. Not. He wanted the dresser I had before I knew him. Nope. He wanted gifts we had gotten from my friends. No way. But the kicker ... the BIG fat kicker was the cereal. He was not letting go of his half-eaten box of cereal. No deal.

Now I could go into how this so obviously made me see very clearly how right I was in wanting to end my marriage - how ridiculously immature, childish and stubborn this man is, but I won't. I think the cereal speaks for itself. When I took this photo, I was so irritated I couldn't see the humor in it. But when my friend and I saw it again that night over a bottle of wine at a nice hotel down the street, we couldn't stop laughing. We emailed it to everyone we knew with the subject line, "This is not a joke." Maybe attaching post-it notes is a common procedure in the divorce process, but I don't think so.

And I decided at that moment that I simply must write a book. Whatever that book is about doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have a perfect shot for the cover. No ifs about it.

Occupation cowboy

I awoke this morning to find an email from eharmony, re: a new match. The emails they send to inform you of such a situation include minimal information - name, city, age, occupation. If you want more info, of course, you log on to find their picture, likes and dislikes, etc. 

My new match, for April 18, 2009 is David. From Hollywood. Age 46. Occupation: cowboy. 

Enough said. 

The dreaded first call

I  have been communicating with someone online, my first in the online dating world. We've chatted back and forth and bit and seemed to be getting along fine when he suggested we talk on the phone. Makes sense. Except that now I don't really want to talk to him. Seeing his picture and reading his emails was good enough. 

But I mustered up the courage to call last night and fortunately got his voicemail. UNfortunately, it was a prerecorded message, not his voice. No scoops there. He called me back around 9:45, but I didn't pick up the phone. I ignored his call for two reasons. (1) because I was too big of a chicken (2) because it was almost 10 o'clock at night and the last thing I want to do before bed is get nervous and/or tense (neurosis, clearly). So he emailed me to say he'd REALLY like to talk to me ... could we chat during the day, maybe during lunch? 

This irritated me (yes, I am easily irritated) for 2 reasons. (1) Ummmm ... - I have a job and do not wish to slack off during the day to talk to some guy that I MIGHT be interested in for the FIRST time. Duh. (2) I know I'm "perfection on a stick" (as one of my favorite people in the world recently told me), but HE doesn't know that. So what the hell is the rush? I mean, we met through a site called eharmony for christ's sake. I don't think there's a big hurry. Lucky for him, I'm not going anywhere. 

Mr. Futon

You will soon see that I have a habit (whether good or bad) of nicknaming people. It's something I picked up at work from my colleagues who also share this talent. I find it relevant to share this fun fact because I am going to start off my 'dating after divorce' blog with Mr. Futon.

Some people have suggested to me that the grocery store is a good place to meet potential dating prospects. I tend to disagree. While I grocery shop as much as every other food-loving American, I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone in the grocery store that I might want to have a future with, but that's just me.

I have, however, been asked out after visiting a futon store. Yup. True story. While shopping for a futon mattress last summer, I met the man I have since named Mr. Futon. Mr. Futon had owned his futon store for 27 years. He was one of the original futon sellers in the county. His entire family was in the futon business. All good information to have as a customer and I left the store satisfied with my futon purchase.

While on my way back to work, Mr. Futon calls to say that "in 27 years of business" he has never done what he's about to do -- ask me out. He thinks I have a nice smile. I seem like a nice person and he wants to know if I want to meet him for a drink or dinner. Ummmm .... now since this was not exactly someone I would want to spend time with, I froze. I froze and said, "I'll think about it." He responded by saying that it was up to me. If I was interested, I could give him a call. Now, this being my first post-marriage potential date experience, I wasn't exactly sure what to do. So I did nothing. I didn't call him back and I did think much about it. But I did get a good deal on that futon.

The internet

OK - here's where I really need help, the internet as a dating tool. Really? Really. 

I did it. I joined eharmony. I was bored. I was in a rut. And I wanted to see what's out there. Surprise, surprise ... it ain't pretty. I can honestly say that 95% of the "matches" are ridiculous. Lucky for me, they are almost comically ridiculous - (example #1: the semi-professional latin dancer whose pictures you can imagine for yourself). 

Aside from the entertainment factor (more of which I promise to share later), I'd like to get others feedback because I've found it to be a pretty disappointing experience. Sitting at the computer eating take-out sushi and drinking cheap wine while trying to find someone you can connect with just doesn't seem ideal. I know no dating scenario is ideal, but I still think there's something wrong with looking for love online. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I'm old, but there's something a bit too cut through about it. I mean ... if you answer a question wrong, you're going to get eliminated. You're done. 

That's what I do. If you play the guitar, done. If you wear dark, think-rimmed glasses, sorry. If you ride a motorcycle, nope. If you're 42 and work for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, see ya. If you listen to the Grateful Dead, forget it! So maybe these internet sites have the right idea. One of the perks of dating after you've been through a marriage that isn't working is that you know you don't want to compromise anymore. If it isn't there, then it just isn't there, so why waste time? I just wonder if we can really tell that from "profiles," "must haves," and "can't stands."

One of the questions I was asked on eharmony is, "If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play you?" Seriously??? How does one even begin to answer such a juvenile/silly/telling question? Does this stuff work? They claim there's science behind it. Hmmm. 

More questions for us internet-daters to ponder: 

1. What 3 characteristics would your friends use to describe you? (I think I'd rather not know) 

2. What is the first thing people notice about you? (Ummmm, my hair. It's a little bigger than I am)

 

3. Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting 

B) karaoke singing

C) finding a new route to work 

D) ordering a dish you've never tried before 

Do you think I turned away half of my prospects by honestly answering (c)? I would imagine so. But at least I don't have to see their eyes roll as I answer via computer.