Party Lines

As you know, it’s been a long time since I’ve had something to blog about. But recent events have prompted me to think, and thinking prompts writing. First, I met someone. Then, I found out he was a Republican.

For those of you who know me, enough said. For those of you who don’t, this is big news. It’s not often that I let a friend set me up on a blind date, and less often when she hardly knows the guy. But I took a chance, gave him a chance, and ended up being pleasantly surprised.

I had to ditch all the behaviors I’ve become accustomed to. I had to keep a completely open mind with someone I appeared to have very little in common with. I had to give it a chance when I really wasn’t sure what would happen and this was hard for me. But I did it. I was proud of myself. And things were turning out really good. I stopped overanalyzing everything he did and said and just went with it.

And he did something not many men would do—at least not many men I’ve dated—and I was halfway hooked. He stopped by with a Thanksgiving card with a Starbucks gift card. He knew one of my employees had just left on maternity leave and thought I might be needing some extra pick me ups. Are you serious? Yes, he was. I was surprised, touched and flattered. We had only been on two dates but this guy definitely knew what he was doing, with me at least.

He is everything my ex-husband is not—polite, mature, smart, comfortable with who he is and tall, a full 15 inches taller than me and although I’m prone to exaggeration, it does not apply here. He wants to do things for me (OK – he’s no saint. Just like Vince Vaughn, he doesn’t want to do the dishes), and is probably one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. No games. No plays. No wondering what he really means when he says something. What you see is what you get. And he smells good. I could also go on about the two kids he adores, but I won’t. I have one word for the whole situation—refreshing.

All of this and the Starbucks card, but it wasn’t until he kissed me that I was fully hooked. Then I had a feeling I was in trouble. Aside from the fact that I had to stand on my tippy toes and he still had to bend over, there was no denying the spark. It’s been a very long time since I felt that spark and it’s both weird and wonderful. I feel like I’m 13 again but instead of writing notes in class, we’re sending text messages to each other at work. It’s silly, but fun. And it’s been a really long time since I haven’t minded the lack of sleep. A friend at work told me the other day that I was giddy, and I realized she was right.

So … I ask myself: what prompted me to ask him his political affiliation? It was probably the conversation I had with the very friend that set us up that went something like this, “Wouldn’t it be funny if he was a Republican?” “Uh, yeah because I would never date a Republican.” I have another friend who is laughing his ass off right now because I believe that after a night of one too many glasses of wine I SWORE that I could never be with a Republican. And he reminds me of this proclamation any chance he gets.

I probably could have guessed this if I really tried. But I didn’t. He’s Catholic, from western Maryland, drives a Chevy Suburban. Yes, it’s bigger than my condo, which is pretty darn big. He does live in south Florida, but I was hoping … Apparently he was much more aware that I’m a Democrat, or a liberal do-gooder, as he may have put it. And he may have mentioned something about it screaming out at him on our first date. Fancy that.

The bottom line is that I like this guy. And he’s a good guy. A really nice guy. And unlike many women out there, I don’t have a problem with nice guys. They work for me. They make me happy. So the question remains, can I just be happy for the time being? Can I just enjoy being with someone who likes me and treats me well without knowing if we’ll be canceling out each other’s votes at the next presidential election? I’m pretty sure I can. And that’s darn exciting because there was definitely a time when I couldn’t. As a good friend of mine says, it’s AFGO, another freakin’ growth opportunity.

Learning Patience

I had no idea it would be so hard to get divorced. I’m not totally clueless; I knew it would be an emotional roller coaster. I knew it would be a bummer for my bank account. But I didn’t realize it would be quite this difficult to get our signatures on the dotted line and join the more than 50% of Americans who check the 'divorced' box.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been that lucky. There are a number of reasons why I’m not divorced, even after a two-year separation, but it’s not worth me getting into. I have to take the blame for some of it – not being assertive enough in the beginning – but my ex and our incompetent lawyers are to blame for the most part. That is frustrating beyond belief.

The divorce process, if you are going to learn anything from it, requires a lot of soul searching. In my case, this was a somewhat unexpected but extremely welcome turn of events. After a time, it becomes natural and you learn to take things as they come a lot more easily than you used to. On most days, I accept the fact that this has taken a hell of a lot longer than I first anticipated, but on other days, I’d like to scream. Loudly. And repeatedly.

I want to believe that this endless delay is happening for a reason but no matter how hard I dig, I can’t seem to find one. Sometimes I think it’s a joke. Sometimes I think I’m on candid camera. Other times, I think I’m being taught a really, really important lesson and after this is over, my life is going to be a walk in the park. I mean, seriously. Couples with MUCH bigger contentions have resolved their issues in half the time. What gives? I thought I already learned this lesson.

Nonetheless, so begins yet another phase of the divorce process. The other day I sent a certified letter to fire my current (and second) attorney in preparation to hire my third. I’m hoping with all the hope I’ve got left that he is a miracle worker and can get me out of this hell as quickly and inexpensively as possible. A friend mentioned recently that 80% of divorced people don’t begin and end their divorces with the same attorney, so at least I’m not a complete failure. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with me.

And I’m beginning to wonder if anyone would know if I never got divorced. I’m living as a divorced person now. I’d save a lot of time and money if I just continued on this path. I really don’t care about my ex. He can fend for himself, for once. Oh, tempting, indeed.

I guess I just have to keep taking it day by day, deal with whatever I’m handed and hope, hope, hope that my third attorney can get me out of this ridiculous nightmare and let me let go, for good. I can probably get used to living in one awful cliche after another for a while. They say the third time’s a charm, right? But three strikes and I'm out. And three is definitely a crowd. But I have to be patient, because ... yup, patience is a virtue. And if good things come to those who wait, there's a ton of goodness coming my way.

Dating School Dropout

A while back, I was driving to a friend’s house when I looked up to see a Walgreen’s on the corner with a sign reading, “shingles vaccine.” At first glance, I thought it said, “singles vaccine” and I honestly thought, they have a vaccine for that? No, they haven’t developed one yet but I wouldn’t find it hard to believe we’re close.

If you look up ‘divorce’ on amazon, you’ll find 272,074 results. That's 272,074 books published on this very subject – everything from funny books and memoirs to study guides. Yes, study guides (not sure if there are take-home tests, too). The titles tell most of the story: Congratulations on Your Divorce, 101 Things to do the First Year You Get Divorced. For my anally retentive comrades, you can purchase The Divorce Organizer and Planner and of course, Divorce for Dummies. And once you get through this library of how-to books and study guides, you’re ready to get back in the dating pool.

Fret not, because there are just as many resources for the single portion of your life, if not more. Foremost, online dating has come a long way. Online sites are now available for absolutely every interest you could possibly have. There are sites that cater to particular religions, sports, hobbies; ones for divorcées, stepparents and those looking for millionaire matches.

But this is merely child’s play. Anyone out there looking for a potential mate can try speed dating, hurry dating (no, they’re not the same thing), dating via Facebook and/or Twitter, even mobile dating. If this is not sufficient, you can utilize the services of matchmakers or dating coaches, or you can go back to school. You can attend a dating school, an actual classroom setting to help you and your minus-one classmates figure out what you’re doing wrong and how to fix it to find the love of your life.

Now I am a hopeless romantic, truly. Every movie I own is a love story. I get upset just thinking about ‘The English Patient’ and I can proudly recite at least three Shakespears sonnets by heart, but I have a hard time with this. Are we seriously that busy, and lonely, that we need to get alerts on our cell phone to let us know there’s someone in the area that we might be compatible with, and then go to night school to learn how to not make them run in the opposite direction? Jeez.

I’m a little speechless and apparently, more than a little old fashioned. I tried the online dating thing for the free three-month trial period and came up with nada. These classes are probably more helpful. I'm sure they have good information to share. They teach you to be true to yourself so you’ll find someone who is actually a good match. This makes sense, but … ugh. Oh, who knows? Maybe if I signed up for a class I wouldn’t be sitting at my computer alone right now. But that’s ok – I’ve done enough oral presentations in my time and I don’t want any more student loans.

Baby Steps

I recently received notice from my condo association that I am not permitted to renew my lease next February because I have a dog who has been living here “illegally.” I obviously knew this was a possibility, but I also thought I might be able to slip by. My landlord doesn’t care about the dog. It’s only the condo commandoes, and there are a million other dogs in the development. I pay my not cheap rent on time every month, so why would anyone care? No such luck.

This seriously bums me out. I love living here for a number of reasons. (1) My closet is heavenly. It’s so big that I have to use a step stool to reach half the stuff in it. (2) It’s convenient to everything, including work and doggie day care, a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa. (3) It’s big enough for me to play fetch with the dog while lying comfortably on the sofa. (4) The layout is perfect. All of my belongings fit perfectly, with room to spare. (5) This is the first place I’ve had all to myself in over seven years, so I’m pretty attached to it. Lastly, I really can’t think of too many things worse than moving. But I’m determined to stay positive.

As cliché as it sounds, when I read the letter from the condo association, I thought to myself, maybe this is for a reason. Everything always falls into place, right? And who knows where I’ll be in six months. I may want to move. I could have a new job where this place won’t be so convenient or I may fall in love and move in with someone. It could be the universe telling me that bigger and better things are coming my way and I refuse to spend too much energy thinking about it.

But yesterday I surprised myself. I found myself, on the way out the front door, pondering the possibility of finding a partner and moving in with him. The surprising part was when I realized, even before I made it to my car, I don’t want to move in with anyone. I’m very content where I am. I love living alone. I’m comfortable with the way things are and I’m not ready for anything to rock me out of this comfort zone just yet. I especially love that there’s almost always a half full bottle of wine on my countertop.

So why did this reflection surprise me so much? I think it’s the kid thing. The majority of my friends are either having their first child, or already have children but are getting divorced. In either case, I always seem to be the only childless one. Some of my friends secretly envy me at times, but I really want kids. My good friends know how I feel so whenever the conversation comes up, everyone tells me it will happen in its own time and when it does I’ll be a wonderful mother. I halfway believe them. But mostly I yearn for the time when there are tired toddlers running around and baby toys mixed with bedtime stories all over the floor.

I’ve been thinking for months that I’m ready, but apparently I’m not. This is very welcome news. It will happen in its own time and when it does, I will be an amazing mom, whether I have children of my own, stepchildren or adopted ones. Why was I in such a rush? Probably because society says I should be married with kids by now, if I’m anywhere near normal. But I have to remember that I chose to step off that well-worn track for a very good reason. I could have chosen to have children with my ex, but that would have been very wrong for all of us.

So what’s next? I have no idea. Just the feeling that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now is enough. That’s the whole reason I decided to end my marriage and it’s working, one baby step at a time.

Divorce Interrupted

For those of you who have read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love,” you will understand what I’m about to do. For those of you that haven’t, you’ll probably think I’m slightly off my rocker. Either way, I’m getting a little desperate here and if I learned anything from reading Gilbert’s unique memoir of life after divorce, it’s that you need to do whatever makes you happy, even if society at large looks at you a little funny.

I was thinking this morning of calling my not-yet ex-husband and begging him to move things along with our divorce, but I know that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I’ve finally figured out that the sound of my voice on his voicemail just makes him move even slower than he normally would. So I’ve decided to do steal Gilbert’s idea and write a petition.

Hello, Husband --

Your wife here. Yes, I am your wife. We have been married for almost 4 years. Hard to believe. Then again, even harder to believe is that although we don’t want to be married, here we are living in a state of marital interruption. It’s been 23 months since we separated. 23 months that we’ve been communicating through attorneys. 23 months and we have still not managed to reach an agreement. To use one of your favorite words, this is simply ridiculous, mainly because we were together as husband and wife for 23 months. Do you see a problem here? I do.

I want to move on with my life. I want to be able to go out on a date and not have to explain why I’m still married. I want to stop answering the questions, “aren’t you divorced yet?” “What’s taking so long?” I want to stop telling people that I have done everything they’re suggesting. I’m working with my second attorney and about to hire my third. But whatever I do, it’s just not helping because you refuse to cooperate.

I feel divorced. I felt the permanent fracture in our marriage the day I moved out, yet there is part of me that is still attached to you. I know I will always carry our good memories in my heart, but this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the legalities and negativities that still have a grip on me. I desperately want to break free of them and I can only imagine you feel the same way.

I’m writing to ask that you stop dragging your feet, stop refusing to accept any reasonable offer I put on the table and make the decision – here and now, to end this nonsense. We can agree to disagree. We can settle any issues with have with each other at any time in the future, but please, let us be divorced.

The whole situation sucks. We both know that. It sucks, not only for us, but for everyone who loves and cares about us. It’s been hard for them, too. My friends are sick of hearing about our continuing saga. My mother is ready and willing to have both your legs broken and you know she has connections. Least of all, my bank account is pleading for an end to large withdrawals. I know you must be suffering, too. I know your friends and family must be hurting for you and just want to see you happy. Let’s be adults and choose happiness. Let’s start over right now, sign what needs to be signed and set each other free.

I will turn 35 in 75 days and all I want is to be divorced. Dare I dream? I do. I dream about those three words being uttered by a judge in a courtroom, “DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE.” Can you imagine what a glorious day that will be? I think about it sometimes in the shower and I get so giddy I can’t stand it.

I realize this all sounds a bit melodramatic, but it’s time. It’s time for us to put the past aside, forget the hurt, anger and frustration and start anew. It’s the right thing to do and more importantly, the healthy thing to do. This is all I ask. If you would comply, I am confident that we would be happier people, carrying a little less weight around and open to making the best decisions we can make for ourselves.

I am grateful for your attention to this matter and to assist in the process, I have recently purchased a Daruma doll, a Japanese wish doll with no arms or legs. Following tradition, I filled in a single circular eye while thinking of a wish. Should my wish come true, I will fill in the second eye. I am counting on that happening within the next 75 days.

Thank you, sincerely.

A Dog and A Yard

Dating after divorce can be scary. Maybe “scary” is a little strong, but in order to get to know someone, you obviously have to reveal things about yourself. This can be very intimidating. Admit it: this is why you were happy being a married person who would never have to date again.

Coming out of a marriage or other long-term relationship, you’re used to being with someone who accepts you and everything about you. This is a nice, comfy place to be and not easy to tear yourself away from. It’s reassuring to know that the person you’re sharing your life with chooses to stay with you despite your deepest, darkest secrets. And though they may get annoyed by certain things you do, they know everything there is to know and they still come home every night, mow the lawn and pick you up at the airport.

So when you re-enter the world of dating and you have to start gradually revealing yourself, in all your greatness and your flaws, some insecurities are going to pop up. When you’re just getting back out there, it’s the little things that matter. You worry about what you’re going to wear, what your date will think of your profession or how you spend your free time. Maybe they’ll be judgmental about the fact that you’re divorced. But after a little practice, you get used to it and you don’t sweat the small stuff so much.

When you find someone you really like and connect with, however, and it looks like it may really go somewhere, more insecurities appear. You’ve progressed past the beginning stages and formed a “relationship.” You’ve met their friends and family. He or she may even have a drawer or section of your closet dedicated just to them. They know what you look like in the morning or after a run. They know you don’t really shave every day and you’re both ok with it.

But what about the real stuff? The things that make you you? The fears and anxieties you share only with those who truly love you? How do you know when to reveal what? It’s been a long time since I felt this way about someone and I’m befuddled by the process. Finding someone to share my life with does not worry me. I know there’s someone out there. Having this person accept me (and all my neurosis) keeps me up at night. Luckily, only sometimes.

We’re all pretty nuts and I am by no means an exception. I don’t know if I could live with me: my moods, my books everywhere, my resemblance to Courtney Cox’s Monica on 'Friends' – yes, I can tell when something on the counter or bookshelf has been moved. Maybe most irritating is that I talk to the dog like a person and I actually answer (in the “dog’s” voice but we won’t go there).

I guess that’s the whole idea of finding a potential partner, whether you’re divorced or not. When you feel strongly enough about someone, you open up when you’re ready and vice versa. You love them inside out and the only way to survive in a relationship is to trust that they will feel the same. If it’s right, you’ll both accept the responsibility of loving each other.

But it does remind me of Mr. Freecreditreport.com, who married his dream girl but she didn't tell him her credit was bad.
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb, they’re living in the basement at her mom and dad's. He’d rather be a “bachelor with a dog and a yard.” Yeah, not a bad idea. ;-)

Divide and Conquer

I’ve already discussed how much fun it can be to divide your marital belongings after or during a divorce, but the subject came up again the other night and it reminded me of the silliness of it all.

To illustrate my point, a story of two divorcées: Last year, I went on a weekend trip with a guy I was dating and as we were watching a very beautiful sunset, he asked me if I brought my camera. My response was that I didn’t have a camera. “How can you not have a camera?” he asked. Well, I didn’t get it in the divorce. Later that weekend we somehow starting talking about how I make a smoothie every morning when he told me that he didn’t even have a blender. “How can you not have a blender?” I asked. “She got it in the divorce,” he said. We laughed. It was funny. And a little pathetic at the same time.

You come away from a marriage and begin your life over with the most random stuff. Aside from the half-eaten box of cereal, my ex insisted on keeping four things: the wine glasses, champagne flutes, our knife set and our bed. OK by me. The less he wanted the better. I guess I could have guessed that he would want to keep wine glasses and champagne flutes because he did like to drink now and then (ok maybe a little more than that). He was the cook so the knives should rightfully be his …

Yes, I actually did think these things. I honestly took time out of more than one day to figure this stuff out. Ridiculous. When I moved into my own apartment I realized that I didn’t have an ironing board, a can opener, a garbage can for the kitchen, or a shower curtain. I had a TV but no TV stand, a computer but no printer, serving platters but no Tupperware. I got the towels and he got the sheets. How did we decide this? How does this happen? I have no idea. I certainly don’t think there was a conversation. Maybe it’s just an unspoken understanding between married people. Who knows? Maybe it’s a male/female thing. Doubtful.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what it is that makes mundane household objects seem important when it looks like you might lose them or why you let yourself devote even an ounce of energy to the subject, but divorce makes people do crazy things and if the craziest thing we do is take the blender and run, then I guess we’re doing ok.

My Old Man

I have an old man. Now I know this isn’t very politically correct so I’ll clarify. I own a cranky old man trapped in the body of a very adorable, very spoiled eight year-old Cocker Spaniel. He is the definition of “high maintenance,” but he’s been my baby since he was eight weeks and six pounds. He’s journeyed 3,300 miles across the country and lived in four different cities with me. I don’t know what I would do without him. I even pay monthly for his health insurance because I just would not deal well with any accidents that I can’t pay to fix.

Luckily, when I separated from my ex, it was a given that the dog (let’s call him Quinn) would stay with me. My ex had been around since Quinn was only a year old but clearly, the old man was mine. And I felt really bad about this. I was ending my marriage, breaking my vows, and I was also taking the dog. He was Quinn’s Dad. Quinn adored him like a Dad, but divorce is ugly and I wasn’t budging on this one. Quinn even started acting out when we first separated. When we would argue, he would hide under the table and whimper. He would lounge on the furniture when we weren’t looking and then refuse to move when we were. Sometimes, when we would get in the car and leave the house, he wouldn’t even look at me. And I’m not making this up.

So when I read this article, it made me laugh out loud. A divorcing couple spends $40,000 fighting for custody of their pug. Wow. Even I don’t think I would do that. Are they doing this in the best interest of the dog? Seriously … I love my dog and do consider him part of the family but I can only hope that if my ex had fought for him, we would have been able to resolve it out of court, without forking out $20 grand each. Why I think this I have no idea, with all evidence to the contrary but when I write it down, it makes me feel better.

Beware: pet custody has become a real issue that family courts are dealing with on a regular basis and decisions are based on criteria similar to child custody considerations. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. It’s the one issue I did not have to fight over so right now I’m just happy that I’m the one Quinn wakes up with his snoring.

http://www.totaldivorce.com/blog/2009/07/30/pet-pug-costs-couple-more-than-40k/

Recession Roomies

One of the newest trends the recession has created, or at least the most fascinating to me, is the movement toward separated couples staying together simply because they can’t afford to divorce. Not only is it “cheaper to keep her.” Apparently it’s cheaper to keep him as well.

When my divorce process began the economy was just pondering a nosedive, but the divorce would clearly mess up our financial plan. We obviously we not be continuing our savings and retirement plans together. We would have to pay lawyers, split our assets and debts and start over. One or both of us would have to move and we would have to sell the house, or at least try like hell. But during all of this, I never once considered not getting divorced because the process was giving my wallet a migraine. To me, divorce was the only way out of a big rut and I didn’t care how much it took to be on my own again.

But there are others who feel differently. In some cases, couples are deciding to continue living under the same roof and waiting to file for divorce until the economy improves. This, I have great respect for. I think. Personally, I cannot imagine voluntarily living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex. I did it for six weeks and it was unbelievably awful. It was one of the things he did to both make me crazy and to convince me to stay. He almost won on the former. I thought I might just lose my mind, but I walked away with my sanity because it was temporary and I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.

How people can live with their ex is just amazing to me. I wanted to run, run, run, as far as possible and never look back. I think people that can do this must be a special kind of people – people that can sit across the table from the person they no longer want to share their life with and … share their life with them. I realized I truly wanted a divorce when my mom asked me, “would you rather be alone than be married to him?” I said yes. And I meant it. I wanted to be alone – at least for the time being. I made a decision to be happy and that, unfortunately for everyone involved, did not include my husband.

I guess there are people out there who are more financially responsible, and patient, and selfless. Living with the someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life must be incredibly difficult but if you can come out on the other side of a divorce with at least your wallet intact, then you’re one step ahead of the rest of us. If you can do it, go for it because every other aspect of your life is going to change, saving some change in the process is a great idea.

Reason to Chill

More encouraging news on divorce released today. A recent University of Chicago study has revealed that people who have been divorced have a 12% higher rate of poor health and chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, compared to our married counterparts. It goes on to explain the additional possibility of mobility limitations, etc. and basically just makes me want to scream.

To add insult to injury (but not surprising), “women in unhappy marriages are more likely to experience injurious effects to their health than men.” And women more frequently suffer from signs of metabolic syndrome: including high blood pressure, obesity and other risk factors of heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

As if the aggravation and heartbreak and basic dismantling of life as you know it isn’t enough, we can now look forward to feeling the effects of this experience later in life. Although I separated from my husband two years ago, I clearly remember the nightmares, weight loss and the inability to concentrate coupled with the amazing ability to break into tears in a matter of seconds. I knew this was tearing me apart at the time. I knew if I didn’t manage it I would end up really sick, but I didn’t know I would have to deal with it again once it was all over.

Divorce is an overwhelming juggling act of emotions, many of which you didn’t even know you had. You’re unhappy, sad and depressed – and before this point, you weren’t exactly aware these were three separate things. You’re scared, uncomfortable and maybe even shocked. You question every decision you’ve ever made and any decisions you may make in the future. Everything you know is constantly changing and you have to be on your toes, ready to deal with the newest developments each day. How do you do this? You breathe.

You take one step at a time and make sure these steps contain deep breaths between each one. Exercise is a miracle – it was running for me, and yoga, and cuddling with my dog. Everyone needs to find their own escape – books, movies, volunteering, exercising or practicing your salsa moves in front of the TV. Whatever it is, just make sure you find it. Yoga and meditation are amazing ways to introduce healthy habits into your life for good. And the quicker you learn to manage these emotions, the better we’ll all be in the long run.

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Think Again

I mentioned in a recent blog that when I married my husband I must have known, on some deep level, that I was settling into my marriage. But for whatever reason, I didn’t let myself believe it. The sad part is that I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard stories from many divorced people, even married ones, who also feared on their wedding day that their marriage might not last into their golden years. Why did did we go through with it anyway?

Some women were marrying the perfect man. He was ideal on paper – good looking, well liked, financially stable and even a little romantic. Their parents loved him. He immediately fit comfortably into the family but on their wedding day, even these women had reservations. Still, they said their vows. The wedding was paid for, gifts had been bought and guests would soon arrive. Others, like myself, had a slight inkling, but weren’t willing to face the reality. No relationship is perfect, right? And isn’t it unrealistic and slightly naïve to expect perfection? You want to go into a life-long commitment with rational expectations. The fairy tale just can't work in real life, can it?

That’s what I thought. I thought I was asking too much in wanting perfection, in wanting to feel all the butterflies and giddiness that brides in movies seem to exude. I had a gorgeous dress and the wedding of my dreams. I was 29 years-old and the time was right. I had waited long enough and he came along. So why did I ignore my gut telling me that something was wrong? Because it’s easier to ignore a problem than face it, at least for a while. (Note to self: in the long run, this is a terribly bad idea.) So I ignored the fact that I went to bed alone on my wedding night because my new husband was too busy partying to accompany his bride. I even ignored the two Grateful Dead cover band concerts we went to on our honeymoon. Yup, that’s right. I said honeymoon.

But even those of us who had the perfect mate, some still ended up in divorce court. Is it because we married the wrong person? Is it because marriage takes work and we weren’t willing to do it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations of marriage? Is it because we felt unworthy and we’re afraid we don’t deserve better? I wish I knew.

I’ve been reading lately about pre-marital counseling and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s brilliant. If you would have asked me about this idea four years ago, I probably would have said that anyone who needs counseling before they get married is in real trouble. Now I think anyone smart enough to do this is way ahead of the curve. Marriage is rough, no matter how strong it is, and it does take work. Throw in a couple of kids, job loss or financial trouble, a sick in-law and you’ve got serious challenges on your hands. Learning to work through these issues, or at least step back and take a deep breath to realize you actually need to work through these issues, before you enter into a lifelong commitment, is a sharp move.

Even learning how to handle talking about your smallest pet peeves before they turn into reasons to go to marital counseling is a giant move. Not having to pay for a third party to listen to how your spouse just can NOT handle how you leave the ceiling fan on when you’re not in the room will save you time, money and aggravation. And I do believe that just the exercise of sitting down and discussing potential future challenges might give you the confidence you need to know for sure that this is the person you want to be with until death do you part.

Dress Me Up

Since I haven’t been out on too many first dates recently, I am somewhat clueless about what to wear. Apparently every single woman should have that “fabulous pair of jeans,” but I’m pretty sure I don’t. Should I head to the mall? I live in South Florida so dresses are always an easy and semi-cool option. Is that too dressy? I guess it depends on the date, but is there a general rule I should refer to?

As expected, there seems to be some debate on how revealing your first date outfit should be. Some advise toward doing everything you can to make the man drool in longing …. But I’m just not into that. I tend to lean toward conservative when it comes to dress (ok I’m really way conservative but I’m trying to work on that), so that rules out any micro-minis with revealing cleavage. And I do honestly feel that I shouldn’t need to broadcast my potential sexiness on a first date, but I can be seriously behind the times, even though I’m only 34. (Yes, I have been told over and over that I’m a young person in a way older person’s body. I believe the number 60 was mentioned. Fine.)

If there’s a safe-for-all-occasions first day outfit, I’m determined to find it. Is it out there? Doubtful, but worth a look anyway.

Jamming Down the Aisle

A new take on walking down the aisle that I just couldn't resist sharing. http://www.breakupgirl.net/?p=2021

The Question of Cohabitation

In the past week, I have come across a bunch of articles commenting on the recent study that claims couple who live together before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce and I just can't get this one straight in my head. I just can't imagine entering into a lifelong commitment with someone and not knowing all of the good, bad, AND the ugly. I mean, no matter how bad that one particular habit might be, at least you know about it before you say "I do." At least you've accepted it, if only on a subconscious level. 

There are so many comments about this study -- "Those who move in together before marriage are more liberal so they don't value marriage as seriously" or "Sharing a home before marriage can pressure people into getting married for all the wrong reasons," "Marriage is dead. It can't be saved. Get over it" or just that these studies are grossly misleading -- and I think they're all somewhat surprising. 

Maybe I'm behind the times. Maybe I'm ahead of the times. My opinion: living with another human being is hard, whether it's your partner, your roommate, your grandma, or your dog. You have to learn how to live with someone and I think you should make sure you can live with the person you're in love with with minimal aggravation before ... well before you commit to them for the rest of your life.  What do you think? Have we gone back to a place where it's safer for your relationship to keep the little things to yourself and keep your own place so you don't get pressured into marriage? 

 

Flying Solo

I have recently discovered an extraordinary website called Jane Nation. Jane Nation is all about women at all the different stages of our lives. You can share thoughts in the Powder Room, meet friends in the Jane Network and join a Sisterhood, among other things.

Each Sisterhood is dedicated to a different stage of your life: new motherhood, beginning your career, getting married, being a caregiver for your aging parents or the one I gravitated to: Flying Solo. As it implies, Flying Solo is all about … Flying Solo. Now that I’ve written my first blog for the Flying Solo Sisterhood, I thought I’d share it with you.

When most women think of Flying Solo, I think what comes to mind are images of fear and loneliness, but as a divorcé in waiting, I’m finding it fabulous! Don’t get me wrong – the divorce process is a nightmare that I would never wish on another human being (except, of course, my in-laws), but being on your own again can be so rewarding.

After I separated from my husband and got my own place, all by myself, just me and the dog, it was glorious. The condo had some serious issues like a washing machine that didn’t work and a tile countertop from the early 80s, but I didn’t care. And I still don’t. I reveled in every second of unpacking my stuff and deciding willy-nilly where to put it. I have the entire medicine cabinet to myself. I keep the a/c at the temperature I like. I don’t have to clean up anyone’s dishes and I don’t have to be awakened by loud farts in the middle of the night.

I’m taking the time to enjoy these little things because that’s where my life is right now and having the freedom to make such little decisions can really be liberating. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to watch chick flicks anymore. In fact, I invite the chicks over because my place is the perfect girls night spot. Sometimes it’s hard to get used to living without your “plus one,” but there are many positives to flying solo. Now if the dog would only stop hogging the bed …

Check it out at http://www.janenation.com/

Dating Mistakes

This is a great, commmon- sense article about getting out there again - and stepping out of your comfort zone a bit.

http://romance.exofire.net/dating-after-divorce-are-you-making-a-big-dating-mistake-that-stops-you-from-loving-again/

The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power. 

V.P. of Standards

Everyone has their standards. Everyone on this earth sees things from a different perspective and judges the things that are important to them differently. I find this extremely interesting when it comes to dating because everyone’s idea of the ideal mate is so, well, different. So often I’ve worked with someone for months (or years) and gotten to know them before I meet their partner and then … I’m shocked! Either they go together really well and I just wouldn’t have predicted it or they don’t go together at all but you don’t know how to tell them (what do you know, anyway?). This, apparently, was the situation with my ex but people didn’t exactly have a problem telling me. The problem was that I didn’t listen.

The conundrum I’ve found in dating after divorce is that your standards have changed since the first time around and once you get over the initial trauma, you usually know what you’re looking for and don’t bother with what you’re not. But is this an injustice to your future relationship status? Since my marriage ended, I have erected extremely high standards and as of right now, I’m not looking to adjust them. A friend of mine mentioned that my standards might be a tad too high and I might want to lower them a bit, but isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place? Uh, yes.

So, for now, I probably won’t be going on too many dates because George Clooney seems like a commitment-phobe and Bradley Cooper seems busy with Jennifer Aniston, at least temporarily. And I’m fine with that, really. I’d much rather go for quality, all the way. But it can cast a shadow of doubt that by not giving certain men a chance, I could be losing out on something great. I mean, my standards are high: no mandals, unless you’ve had a pedicure in the recent past; no Sundays on the couch watching sports – college or pro; no baseball caps, unless you’re actually playing baseball; and no home improvement projects. If I want to improve the house, I’ll hire someone to do what I want, not you. Sorry. Oh, and I prefer a non-smokers who aren't die hard Grateful Dead fans.

There is the chance, however, that the not extremely-attractive man your friend sets you up with might be someone you could have a future with. Maybe you’re not initially attracted to him, but if your friend went to the effort to hook you up, you could give him a chance. At least one date, right? You never know. My parents, who have been married for 42 years, hated each other when they met and both went to their boss to say, “either he goes or I go.” Eight months later they were married.

But no matter how many times I go back and forth about this, I never seem to be able to conjure up the energy to go for someone I’m not really jazzed about. Maybe that will hurt me in the long run, or maybe I’ll save myself from a ton of awful dates. I just feel that there is someone out there who lives up to my standards and I want to be with someone who lives life with grace and graciousness and wants to be with someone whose standards are as high as mine. For this I refer to the gold standard: Audrey Hepburn. Can you see her dating a man wearing Teva’s and a baseball cap? I think not. 

http://www.datingish.com/706968026/my-standards-are-too-high-but-i-like-it/

All Aboard

I find it both incredibly awful and wonderfully comforting that a number of my friends are also going through divorce hell right now. I cannot figure out how or why so many of these smart, good-looking, funny, wonderful women are all in the same boat, but at least we have each other to lean on.

It’s a strange feeling when you know that you can call or text a friend on any given day and ask how her appointment with her lawyer went, but reassuring that when you need to vent about the calls or appointments with your lawyer (any one of the possible four), they’ll be there and they’ll get it. They’ll understand why paying $27.50 for a quick phone call to your lawyer’s paralegal makes you crazy or how the terms ‘bifurcate’ and ‘decree nisi’ should automatically come with explanations in English. Plain and simple – it sucks. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to make it better, but good friends can offer an empathetic ear and more importantly, make you laugh when you didn’t think legalese and hourly rates could make you giggle.

It’s a life-saver that when you need to re-live every single detail in your head out loud just to keep your head on straight, you’ve got someone who will listen and not judge. Sometimes your stories are better than hers and sometimes it’s the other way around. There are even times when a friend’s ex will make yours look like prince charming, but in my case, that’s rare. I happen to think that some of the things my ex did trump any story I’ve heard yet. For close friends, I even offer one of my stories as a “if you’re feeling bad about your divorce, this will make you feel SO much better.”   

I just noticed that I am sans de vin right now and I most definitely should not be. Anyway, it really is a relief when you know that one friend or another, or a bunch of them, will be ready for drinks on Friday night and you don’t have to worry about being the third or fifth wheel, or whoever you’re with being on a husband hunt. 

But how did this happen? I don’t think I’ll ever understand so I guess I should just be thankful: thankful that I’m not alone, or lonely. It’s an amazing feeling to be alone, yet not lonely, but it can be easy to forget that in the midst of starting your entire life over from scratch. We’re all starting over from scratch and we’ve all experienced the plethora of highs and lows that accompany this process. The most important saving grace for me is my friends. 

Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it?