First Steps / Second Time: A Dog and A Yard

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Dog and A Yard

Dating after divorce can be scary. Maybe “scary” is a little strong, but in order to get to know someone, you obviously have to reveal things about yourself. This can be very intimidating. Admit it: this is why you were happy being a married person who would never have to date again.

Coming out of a marriage or other long-term relationship, you’re used to being with someone who accepts you and everything about you. This is a nice, comfy place to be and not easy to tear yourself away from. It’s reassuring to know that the person you’re sharing your life with chooses to stay with you despite your deepest, darkest secrets. And though they may get annoyed by certain things you do, they know everything there is to know and they still come home every night, mow the lawn and pick you up at the airport.

So when you re-enter the world of dating and you have to start gradually revealing yourself, in all your greatness and your flaws, some insecurities are going to pop up. When you’re just getting back out there, it’s the little things that matter. You worry about what you’re going to wear, what your date will think of your profession or how you spend your free time. Maybe they’ll be judgmental about the fact that you’re divorced. But after a little practice, you get used to it and you don’t sweat the small stuff so much.

When you find someone you really like and connect with, however, and it looks like it may really go somewhere, more insecurities appear. You’ve progressed past the beginning stages and formed a “relationship.” You’ve met their friends and family. He or she may even have a drawer or section of your closet dedicated just to them. They know what you look like in the morning or after a run. They know you don’t really shave every day and you’re both ok with it.

But what about the real stuff? The things that make you you? The fears and anxieties you share only with those who truly love you? How do you know when to reveal what? It’s been a long time since I felt this way about someone and I’m befuddled by the process. Finding someone to share my life with does not worry me. I know there’s someone out there. Having this person accept me (and all my neurosis) keeps me up at night. Luckily, only sometimes.

We’re all pretty nuts and I am by no means an exception. I don’t know if I could live with me: my moods, my books everywhere, my resemblance to Courtney Cox’s Monica on 'Friends' – yes, I can tell when something on the counter or bookshelf has been moved. Maybe most irritating is that I talk to the dog like a person and I actually answer (in the “dog’s” voice but we won’t go there).

I guess that’s the whole idea of finding a potential partner, whether you’re divorced or not. When you feel strongly enough about someone, you open up when you’re ready and vice versa. You love them inside out and the only way to survive in a relationship is to trust that they will feel the same. If it’s right, you’ll both accept the responsibility of loving each other.

But it does remind me of Mr. Freecreditreport.com, who married his dream girl but she didn't tell him her credit was bad. So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb, they’re living in the basement at her mom and dad's. He’d rather be a “bachelor with a dog and a yard.” Yeah, not a bad idea. ;-)

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.