First Steps / Second Time: Divide and Conquer

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Divide and Conquer

I’ve already discussed how much fun it can be to divide your marital belongings after or during a divorce, but the subject came up again the other night and it reminded me of the silliness of it all.

To illustrate my point, a story of two divorcées: Last year, I went on a weekend trip with a guy I was dating and as we were watching a very beautiful sunset, he asked me if I brought my camera. My response was that I didn’t have a camera. “How can you not have a camera?” he asked. Well, I didn’t get it in the divorce. Later that weekend we somehow starting talking about how I make a smoothie every morning when he told me that he didn’t even have a blender. “How can you not have a blender?” I asked. “She got it in the divorce,” he said. We laughed. It was funny. And a little pathetic at the same time.

You come away from a marriage and begin your life over with the most random stuff. Aside from the half-eaten box of cereal, my ex insisted on keeping four things: the wine glasses, champagne flutes, our knife set and our bed. OK by me. The less he wanted the better. I guess I could have guessed that he would want to keep wine glasses and champagne flutes because he did like to drink now and then (ok maybe a little more than that). He was the cook so the knives should rightfully be his …

Yes, I actually did think these things. I honestly took time out of more than one day to figure this stuff out. Ridiculous. When I moved into my own apartment I realized that I didn’t have an ironing board, a can opener, a garbage can for the kitchen, or a shower curtain. I had a TV but no TV stand, a computer but no printer, serving platters but no Tupperware. I got the towels and he got the sheets. How did we decide this? How does this happen? I have no idea. I certainly don’t think there was a conversation. Maybe it’s just an unspoken understanding between married people. Who knows? Maybe it’s a male/female thing. Doubtful.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what it is that makes mundane household objects seem important when it looks like you might lose them or why you let yourself devote even an ounce of energy to the subject, but divorce makes people do crazy things and if the craziest thing we do is take the blender and run, then I guess we’re doing ok.

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.