The Bug

The biggest Hallmark holiday of the year is just around the corner. Traditionally I’ve lamented Valentine’s Day, like every other self-respecting woman in America, and gagged at each and every Jared and Kay Jewelers commercial. I'd roll my eyes as bouquets of red roses were carried down the office hallway and steer clear of restaurants, movie theaters and parks. Even when I was married or in the beginning stages of relationship bliss, I still didn’t get the hype. No matter what you’re partner/husband/boyfriend gets you, it’s never the right thing. So why bother? It’s just another opportunity for you to compare yourself to everyone else.

So why, in February of 2010, do I feel differently? I think I can explain it in one concise, meaningful, yet incredibly overused word: love. I have fallen in love with such a worthy man who, astoundingly, is convinced that I am just as worthy of him. In fact, I’ve fallen so deeply that I am actually (dare I say it???) looking forward to Valentine’s Day for the first time since high school. I’m looking forward to it and planning - thinking about baking for my sweetie, a heart-shaped cake with fun red decorations to sprinkle on top, following the fondue course, of course.

But allowing yourself to fall in love is tricky, especially following a divorce. In my case, I don’t think it was avoidable. I was confused at first but signs were everywhere. Soon enough I found that my old self was occupying my body again, the self I had temporarily misplaced during the rough years of my marriage and the following years of divorce. Without paying attention, I realized I was goofy again, laughing a lot, mostly at myself. The true flashing neon sign, however, was that I was back to singing show tunes in the office. This may sound odd to most but when I start singing show tunes at 3:30pm (for some it’s considered nap time, for me it’s the time of delirium), I’m back. I do not credit falling in love with bringing my old self back, but I do believe it had something to do with the fact that I was able to recognize me again, and appreciate me.

Last week, the Today show interviewed Lori Gottlieb on her new book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. When I first heard the title, I wasn’t pleased, but after listening to her theories, I smiled. I smiled inside and out because I realized, without knowing it, that I had already taken her advice. She advises single women to revisit their “standards,” focus on the things that really matter and forget about the silly stuff. She warns that women are being too critical and in the process are missing out on the men that could be the perfect partner, even if they’re not the perfect man.

I refer, once again, to my July post about my own “standards” and how I refused to adjust them. By this I was referring to a guy’s appearance, his style, and whether or not he spends his Sundays on the couch watching football. At the time, I was very rigid in my vision of who I saw myself with and gosh darn it – I wasn’t going to settle! So I guess it’s entirely possible that during the next three months, someone gave me a shot of reality and in turn, gave me a shot at happiness. I found myself on a date with a man who, on the surface, didn’t live up to these standards. But I went on a second date which turned into a third and eventually turned into me singing show tunes again.

I still ask myself why I kept dating a man who loves football, wears flip-flops AND baseball caps. Because … eh-hem … those things don’t matter. How did I look past the superficial nonsense to get to the stuff that really does matter? I don’t know. I probably never will. But the important thing is that I did. I looked past the flip-flops and saw into the heart of an amazing man who has ignited something in me that has given me the capacity feel on a different level. A man who has given me hope that good things do happen to good people. So as this pseudo holiday approaches, I’ve had to face the facts – I’ve got the bug. And I’m loving every minute of it.

Dos Due Deux

Sometimes it surprises me how often I’m reminded that no matter how good things are, getting back out there -- dating the second time around -- isn’t as easy as one would hope. Let me clarify: I didn’t think it would be easy, but I certainly thought I’d be better at it, at least a bit. I mean I’m pretty darn proud of myself for recognizing an unhealthy marriage and managing to get out of it before the ties couldn’t be broken. And I’m proud that I’ve grown immensely from the experience (mentally and emotionally, of course). I’m much stronger than I was just a few years ago. I’m more confident and independent, and a ton more comfortable with me.

But none of these developments seem to have too much of an impact on my dating life. And the truly disappointing part is that I am to blame. Yes, me. The cliché does apply. I am my own worst enemy. And my worst critic. But at least I’m not alone. We all do it. We are all our own worst enemy and our own worst critic. But why? Why are we so hard on ourselves? We would never let anyone else be so hard on us. Why don’t we show ourselves the kindness we show our friends and loved ones? I would never be so unforgiving to a friend and I would never continue a friendship with someone who judged me so harshly.

Dating the second time around just might mean that we’re more sensitive than ever. We’re scared, unsure and we know that fairy tales don’t actually exist. Doesn’t this mean we should go even easier ourselves? Be more forgiving? I refer, once again, to Elizabeth Gilbert’s bestselling memoir “Eat, Pray, Love.” In it, she describes how one day for a split second, as an elevator was closing, she saw her reflection in a security mirror and thought she spotted a friend. When life gets rough, she reminds herself of this moment saying, “never forget that in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

I, too, try to remind myself of this but it’s difficult, and I’m not sure why. Do I feel guilty about being happy so I sabotage a relationship in my head when things are going well? Quite possibly. Do I conjure up silly scenarios and create unnecessary drama where there is none? Perhaps. But it has to be the guy’s fault, right?

I’m starting to think men aren’t as dumb as they look. Or pretend to be. Dare I say they may even have the right idea? They don’t (for the most part) overanalyze. They’re not (with rare exceptions) oversensitive. They don’t FEEL every little thought, detail, glance and hiccup and wonder what it means. OK, I’m an over-analyzer and I’ve come to terms with it. It’s not going to change anytime soon. It comes with being a super-sensitive artsy type and it’s helped me see the beauty that many others can’t see in what life throws at us. As with many things, it’s a blessing and a curse.

But now I am choosing to make it only a blessing from this point forward, and will not allow it to get in the way of my happiness. If I learned one thing from living in a marriage that doesn’t work it’s that you have to love yourself in order for anyone else to have even a chance to truly love you.

Divorce has provided me with a number of lessons and I’m determined to learn every single one of them. I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve learned how to make better decisions in the future than I have in the past. And I’ve learned that the future holds great things for me. Now I promise to create adequate space for those great things by being a good friend to the most important person in my life – me. I read in a magazine today and hope to carry this thought with me, “true love begins with both curiosity about and acceptance of yourself.”

Learning Patience

I had no idea it would be so hard to get divorced. I’m not totally clueless; I knew it would be an emotional roller coaster. I knew it would be a bummer for my bank account. But I didn’t realize it would be quite this difficult to get our signatures on the dotted line and join the more than 50% of Americans who check the 'divorced' box.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been that lucky. There are a number of reasons why I’m not divorced, even after a two-year separation, but it’s not worth me getting into. I have to take the blame for some of it – not being assertive enough in the beginning – but my ex and our incompetent lawyers are to blame for the most part. That is frustrating beyond belief.

The divorce process, if you are going to learn anything from it, requires a lot of soul searching. In my case, this was a somewhat unexpected but extremely welcome turn of events. After a time, it becomes natural and you learn to take things as they come a lot more easily than you used to. On most days, I accept the fact that this has taken a hell of a lot longer than I first anticipated, but on other days, I’d like to scream. Loudly. And repeatedly.

I want to believe that this endless delay is happening for a reason but no matter how hard I dig, I can’t seem to find one. Sometimes I think it’s a joke. Sometimes I think I’m on candid camera. Other times, I think I’m being taught a really, really important lesson and after this is over, my life is going to be a walk in the park. I mean, seriously. Couples with MUCH bigger contentions have resolved their issues in half the time. What gives? I thought I already learned this lesson.

Nonetheless, so begins yet another phase of the divorce process. The other day I sent a certified letter to fire my current (and second) attorney in preparation to hire my third. I’m hoping with all the hope I’ve got left that he is a miracle worker and can get me out of this hell as quickly and inexpensively as possible. A friend mentioned recently that 80% of divorced people don’t begin and end their divorces with the same attorney, so at least I’m not a complete failure. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with me.

And I’m beginning to wonder if anyone would know if I never got divorced. I’m living as a divorced person now. I’d save a lot of time and money if I just continued on this path. I really don’t care about my ex. He can fend for himself, for once. Oh, tempting, indeed.

I guess I just have to keep taking it day by day, deal with whatever I’m handed and hope, hope, hope that my third attorney can get me out of this ridiculous nightmare and let me let go, for good. I can probably get used to living in one awful cliche after another for a while. They say the third time’s a charm, right? But three strikes and I'm out. And three is definitely a crowd. But I have to be patient, because ... yup, patience is a virtue. And if good things come to those who wait, there's a ton of goodness coming my way.

Baby Steps

I recently received notice from my condo association that I am not permitted to renew my lease next February because I have a dog who has been living here “illegally.” I obviously knew this was a possibility, but I also thought I might be able to slip by. My landlord doesn’t care about the dog. It’s only the condo commandoes, and there are a million other dogs in the development. I pay my not cheap rent on time every month, so why would anyone care? No such luck.

This seriously bums me out. I love living here for a number of reasons. (1) My closet is heavenly. It’s so big that I have to use a step stool to reach half the stuff in it. (2) It’s convenient to everything, including work and doggie day care, a.k.a. Grandma and Grandpa. (3) It’s big enough for me to play fetch with the dog while lying comfortably on the sofa. (4) The layout is perfect. All of my belongings fit perfectly, with room to spare. (5) This is the first place I’ve had all to myself in over seven years, so I’m pretty attached to it. Lastly, I really can’t think of too many things worse than moving. But I’m determined to stay positive.

As cliché as it sounds, when I read the letter from the condo association, I thought to myself, maybe this is for a reason. Everything always falls into place, right? And who knows where I’ll be in six months. I may want to move. I could have a new job where this place won’t be so convenient or I may fall in love and move in with someone. It could be the universe telling me that bigger and better things are coming my way and I refuse to spend too much energy thinking about it.

But yesterday I surprised myself. I found myself, on the way out the front door, pondering the possibility of finding a partner and moving in with him. The surprising part was when I realized, even before I made it to my car, I don’t want to move in with anyone. I’m very content where I am. I love living alone. I’m comfortable with the way things are and I’m not ready for anything to rock me out of this comfort zone just yet. I especially love that there’s almost always a half full bottle of wine on my countertop.

So why did this reflection surprise me so much? I think it’s the kid thing. The majority of my friends are either having their first child, or already have children but are getting divorced. In either case, I always seem to be the only childless one. Some of my friends secretly envy me at times, but I really want kids. My good friends know how I feel so whenever the conversation comes up, everyone tells me it will happen in its own time and when it does I’ll be a wonderful mother. I halfway believe them. But mostly I yearn for the time when there are tired toddlers running around and baby toys mixed with bedtime stories all over the floor.

I’ve been thinking for months that I’m ready, but apparently I’m not. This is very welcome news. It will happen in its own time and when it does, I will be an amazing mom, whether I have children of my own, stepchildren or adopted ones. Why was I in such a rush? Probably because society says I should be married with kids by now, if I’m anywhere near normal. But I have to remember that I chose to step off that well-worn track for a very good reason. I could have chosen to have children with my ex, but that would have been very wrong for all of us.

So what’s next? I have no idea. Just the feeling that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now is enough. That’s the whole reason I decided to end my marriage and it’s working, one baby step at a time.

Divorce Interrupted

For those of you who have read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love,” you will understand what I’m about to do. For those of you that haven’t, you’ll probably think I’m slightly off my rocker. Either way, I’m getting a little desperate here and if I learned anything from reading Gilbert’s unique memoir of life after divorce, it’s that you need to do whatever makes you happy, even if society at large looks at you a little funny.

I was thinking this morning of calling my not-yet ex-husband and begging him to move things along with our divorce, but I know that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I’ve finally figured out that the sound of my voice on his voicemail just makes him move even slower than he normally would. So I’ve decided to do steal Gilbert’s idea and write a petition.

Hello, Husband --

Your wife here. Yes, I am your wife. We have been married for almost 4 years. Hard to believe. Then again, even harder to believe is that although we don’t want to be married, here we are living in a state of marital interruption. It’s been 23 months since we separated. 23 months that we’ve been communicating through attorneys. 23 months and we have still not managed to reach an agreement. To use one of your favorite words, this is simply ridiculous, mainly because we were together as husband and wife for 23 months. Do you see a problem here? I do.

I want to move on with my life. I want to be able to go out on a date and not have to explain why I’m still married. I want to stop answering the questions, “aren’t you divorced yet?” “What’s taking so long?” I want to stop telling people that I have done everything they’re suggesting. I’m working with my second attorney and about to hire my third. But whatever I do, it’s just not helping because you refuse to cooperate.

I feel divorced. I felt the permanent fracture in our marriage the day I moved out, yet there is part of me that is still attached to you. I know I will always carry our good memories in my heart, but this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the legalities and negativities that still have a grip on me. I desperately want to break free of them and I can only imagine you feel the same way.

I’m writing to ask that you stop dragging your feet, stop refusing to accept any reasonable offer I put on the table and make the decision – here and now, to end this nonsense. We can agree to disagree. We can settle any issues with have with each other at any time in the future, but please, let us be divorced.

The whole situation sucks. We both know that. It sucks, not only for us, but for everyone who loves and cares about us. It’s been hard for them, too. My friends are sick of hearing about our continuing saga. My mother is ready and willing to have both your legs broken and you know she has connections. Least of all, my bank account is pleading for an end to large withdrawals. I know you must be suffering, too. I know your friends and family must be hurting for you and just want to see you happy. Let’s be adults and choose happiness. Let’s start over right now, sign what needs to be signed and set each other free.

I will turn 35 in 75 days and all I want is to be divorced. Dare I dream? I do. I dream about those three words being uttered by a judge in a courtroom, “DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE.” Can you imagine what a glorious day that will be? I think about it sometimes in the shower and I get so giddy I can’t stand it.

I realize this all sounds a bit melodramatic, but it’s time. It’s time for us to put the past aside, forget the hurt, anger and frustration and start anew. It’s the right thing to do and more importantly, the healthy thing to do. This is all I ask. If you would comply, I am confident that we would be happier people, carrying a little less weight around and open to making the best decisions we can make for ourselves.

I am grateful for your attention to this matter and to assist in the process, I have recently purchased a Daruma doll, a Japanese wish doll with no arms or legs. Following tradition, I filled in a single circular eye while thinking of a wish. Should my wish come true, I will fill in the second eye. I am counting on that happening within the next 75 days.

Thank you, sincerely.

Divide and Conquer

I’ve already discussed how much fun it can be to divide your marital belongings after or during a divorce, but the subject came up again the other night and it reminded me of the silliness of it all.

To illustrate my point, a story of two divorcées: Last year, I went on a weekend trip with a guy I was dating and as we were watching a very beautiful sunset, he asked me if I brought my camera. My response was that I didn’t have a camera. “How can you not have a camera?” he asked. Well, I didn’t get it in the divorce. Later that weekend we somehow starting talking about how I make a smoothie every morning when he told me that he didn’t even have a blender. “How can you not have a blender?” I asked. “She got it in the divorce,” he said. We laughed. It was funny. And a little pathetic at the same time.

You come away from a marriage and begin your life over with the most random stuff. Aside from the half-eaten box of cereal, my ex insisted on keeping four things: the wine glasses, champagne flutes, our knife set and our bed. OK by me. The less he wanted the better. I guess I could have guessed that he would want to keep wine glasses and champagne flutes because he did like to drink now and then (ok maybe a little more than that). He was the cook so the knives should rightfully be his …

Yes, I actually did think these things. I honestly took time out of more than one day to figure this stuff out. Ridiculous. When I moved into my own apartment I realized that I didn’t have an ironing board, a can opener, a garbage can for the kitchen, or a shower curtain. I had a TV but no TV stand, a computer but no printer, serving platters but no Tupperware. I got the towels and he got the sheets. How did we decide this? How does this happen? I have no idea. I certainly don’t think there was a conversation. Maybe it’s just an unspoken understanding between married people. Who knows? Maybe it’s a male/female thing. Doubtful.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what it is that makes mundane household objects seem important when it looks like you might lose them or why you let yourself devote even an ounce of energy to the subject, but divorce makes people do crazy things and if the craziest thing we do is take the blender and run, then I guess we’re doing ok.

My Old Man

I have an old man. Now I know this isn’t very politically correct so I’ll clarify. I own a cranky old man trapped in the body of a very adorable, very spoiled eight year-old Cocker Spaniel. He is the definition of “high maintenance,” but he’s been my baby since he was eight weeks and six pounds. He’s journeyed 3,300 miles across the country and lived in four different cities with me. I don’t know what I would do without him. I even pay monthly for his health insurance because I just would not deal well with any accidents that I can’t pay to fix.

Luckily, when I separated from my ex, it was a given that the dog (let’s call him Quinn) would stay with me. My ex had been around since Quinn was only a year old but clearly, the old man was mine. And I felt really bad about this. I was ending my marriage, breaking my vows, and I was also taking the dog. He was Quinn’s Dad. Quinn adored him like a Dad, but divorce is ugly and I wasn’t budging on this one. Quinn even started acting out when we first separated. When we would argue, he would hide under the table and whimper. He would lounge on the furniture when we weren’t looking and then refuse to move when we were. Sometimes, when we would get in the car and leave the house, he wouldn’t even look at me. And I’m not making this up.

So when I read this article, it made me laugh out loud. A divorcing couple spends $40,000 fighting for custody of their pug. Wow. Even I don’t think I would do that. Are they doing this in the best interest of the dog? Seriously … I love my dog and do consider him part of the family but I can only hope that if my ex had fought for him, we would have been able to resolve it out of court, without forking out $20 grand each. Why I think this I have no idea, with all evidence to the contrary but when I write it down, it makes me feel better.

Beware: pet custody has become a real issue that family courts are dealing with on a regular basis and decisions are based on criteria similar to child custody considerations. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. It’s the one issue I did not have to fight over so right now I’m just happy that I’m the one Quinn wakes up with his snoring.

http://www.totaldivorce.com/blog/2009/07/30/pet-pug-costs-couple-more-than-40k/

Recession Roomies

One of the newest trends the recession has created, or at least the most fascinating to me, is the movement toward separated couples staying together simply because they can’t afford to divorce. Not only is it “cheaper to keep her.” Apparently it’s cheaper to keep him as well.

When my divorce process began the economy was just pondering a nosedive, but the divorce would clearly mess up our financial plan. We obviously we not be continuing our savings and retirement plans together. We would have to pay lawyers, split our assets and debts and start over. One or both of us would have to move and we would have to sell the house, or at least try like hell. But during all of this, I never once considered not getting divorced because the process was giving my wallet a migraine. To me, divorce was the only way out of a big rut and I didn’t care how much it took to be on my own again.

But there are others who feel differently. In some cases, couples are deciding to continue living under the same roof and waiting to file for divorce until the economy improves. This, I have great respect for. I think. Personally, I cannot imagine voluntarily living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex. I did it for six weeks and it was unbelievably awful. It was one of the things he did to both make me crazy and to convince me to stay. He almost won on the former. I thought I might just lose my mind, but I walked away with my sanity because it was temporary and I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.

How people can live with their ex is just amazing to me. I wanted to run, run, run, as far as possible and never look back. I think people that can do this must be a special kind of people – people that can sit across the table from the person they no longer want to share their life with and … share their life with them. I realized I truly wanted a divorce when my mom asked me, “would you rather be alone than be married to him?” I said yes. And I meant it. I wanted to be alone – at least for the time being. I made a decision to be happy and that, unfortunately for everyone involved, did not include my husband.

I guess there are people out there who are more financially responsible, and patient, and selfless. Living with the someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life must be incredibly difficult but if you can come out on the other side of a divorce with at least your wallet intact, then you’re one step ahead of the rest of us. If you can do it, go for it because every other aspect of your life is going to change, saving some change in the process is a great idea.

Flying Solo

I have recently discovered an extraordinary website called Jane Nation. Jane Nation is all about women at all the different stages of our lives. You can share thoughts in the Powder Room, meet friends in the Jane Network and join a Sisterhood, among other things.

Each Sisterhood is dedicated to a different stage of your life: new motherhood, beginning your career, getting married, being a caregiver for your aging parents or the one I gravitated to: Flying Solo. As it implies, Flying Solo is all about … Flying Solo. Now that I’ve written my first blog for the Flying Solo Sisterhood, I thought I’d share it with you.

When most women think of Flying Solo, I think what comes to mind are images of fear and loneliness, but as a divorcé in waiting, I’m finding it fabulous! Don’t get me wrong – the divorce process is a nightmare that I would never wish on another human being (except, of course, my in-laws), but being on your own again can be so rewarding.

After I separated from my husband and got my own place, all by myself, just me and the dog, it was glorious. The condo had some serious issues like a washing machine that didn’t work and a tile countertop from the early 80s, but I didn’t care. And I still don’t. I reveled in every second of unpacking my stuff and deciding willy-nilly where to put it. I have the entire medicine cabinet to myself. I keep the a/c at the temperature I like. I don’t have to clean up anyone’s dishes and I don’t have to be awakened by loud farts in the middle of the night.

I’m taking the time to enjoy these little things because that’s where my life is right now and having the freedom to make such little decisions can really be liberating. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to watch chick flicks anymore. In fact, I invite the chicks over because my place is the perfect girls night spot. Sometimes it’s hard to get used to living without your “plus one,” but there are many positives to flying solo. Now if the dog would only stop hogging the bed …

Check it out at http://www.janenation.com/

V.P. of Standards

Everyone has their standards. Everyone on this earth sees things from a different perspective and judges the things that are important to them differently. I find this extremely interesting when it comes to dating because everyone’s idea of the ideal mate is so, well, different. So often I’ve worked with someone for months (or years) and gotten to know them before I meet their partner and then … I’m shocked! Either they go together really well and I just wouldn’t have predicted it or they don’t go together at all but you don’t know how to tell them (what do you know, anyway?). This, apparently, was the situation with my ex but people didn’t exactly have a problem telling me. The problem was that I didn’t listen.

The conundrum I’ve found in dating after divorce is that your standards have changed since the first time around and once you get over the initial trauma, you usually know what you’re looking for and don’t bother with what you’re not. But is this an injustice to your future relationship status? Since my marriage ended, I have erected extremely high standards and as of right now, I’m not looking to adjust them. A friend of mine mentioned that my standards might be a tad too high and I might want to lower them a bit, but isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place? Uh, yes.

So, for now, I probably won’t be going on too many dates because George Clooney seems like a commitment-phobe and Bradley Cooper seems busy with Jennifer Aniston, at least temporarily. And I’m fine with that, really. I’d much rather go for quality, all the way. But it can cast a shadow of doubt that by not giving certain men a chance, I could be losing out on something great. I mean, my standards are high: no mandals, unless you’ve had a pedicure in the recent past; no Sundays on the couch watching sports – college or pro; no baseball caps, unless you’re actually playing baseball; and no home improvement projects. If I want to improve the house, I’ll hire someone to do what I want, not you. Sorry. Oh, and I prefer a non-smokers who aren't die hard Grateful Dead fans.

There is the chance, however, that the not extremely-attractive man your friend sets you up with might be someone you could have a future with. Maybe you’re not initially attracted to him, but if your friend went to the effort to hook you up, you could give him a chance. At least one date, right? You never know. My parents, who have been married for 42 years, hated each other when they met and both went to their boss to say, “either he goes or I go.” Eight months later they were married.

But no matter how many times I go back and forth about this, I never seem to be able to conjure up the energy to go for someone I’m not really jazzed about. Maybe that will hurt me in the long run, or maybe I’ll save myself from a ton of awful dates. I just feel that there is someone out there who lives up to my standards and I want to be with someone who lives life with grace and graciousness and wants to be with someone whose standards are as high as mine. For this I refer to the gold standard: Audrey Hepburn. Can you see her dating a man wearing Teva’s and a baseball cap? I think not. 

http://www.datingish.com/706968026/my-standards-are-too-high-but-i-like-it/

Fumbling Toward Independence

Exactly two years today I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not realizing the irony of ending my marriage on Independence Day, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I sincerely hope I will never have to do anything so difficult again.

I had been married for only 1 year and 8 months but I knew that the man I had given my future to was not the man for me. I’m not exactly sure how I knew this, but I did know that my husband did not bring out the best in me. And isn’t that what a marriage is supposed to do? Bring out the best in you so that you’re the best person you can be and be proud of that person?

The most agonizing part about trying to end my marriage, side by side with the fact that my husband did not feel the same, was that I couldn’t explain in concrete terms exactly why I wanted out. For about a year, I had been waking up every day and thinking to myself, ‘I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.’ I noticed that the more time I spent with my husband the more uncomfortable, tense and nauseated I felt. I was less willing to compromise and had almost no desire to have sex. He brought me flowers and I could barely make myself say thank you. I practically shunned his touch. Sadly, the more he tried to improve our relationship, the more I realized I didn’t want a relationship with him.

But telling your husband that you want to break your marital vows because you’re just “not happy” is not an easy route out the back door. He had a plea for every explanation I could offer: We’d only been married for a short time and marriages have ups and downs; we hadn’t spent enough time together because of his work schedule; I was unhappy at my job and that was clouding my judgment; I wasn’t crazy about his parents so we wouldn’t have to spend time with them; we could move back closer to my family. It was exhausting on both sides but on the positive side, each argument made me see more clearly how I was not playing the right role.

This was probably the most difficult time because of one thing: guilt. My husband had not done anything wrong. If anyone had, it was probably me. After all, I think I knew somewhere very deep in my heart that I was settling into this marriage, but I did it anyway. Nevertheless, the guilt was tearing me apart and I didn’t know where to turn. I even tried a divorce support group but that made me feel even worse because it was a bunch of people who had been dumped by their spouses. Not exactly the support I was hoping for. 

There are hundreds, probably thousands, of self-help books, websites, magazines and blogs that promise to help you through the divorce process and beyond – how to get through the legal battles, the loneliness, how to rally the support of your friends, talk to your children, know when you’re ready to date again. There are even a number of resources to help you through the difficulties of your marriage, counseling services that teach you how to reconnect with your spouse, get the romance back and rediscover why you got married in the first place.

But as far as I know, there are no resources out there to help you get from “I want a divorce” to signing the papers. In your mind, your marriage is over. You want the quickest, cleanest way back to single life. You know it’s the best thing for all parties involved but you’re unsure of the exact path. In my experience, when you get to the place where you're confident you want a divorce, you are emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  And it’s in this place that you have to find more strength and trust in yourself than you ever could have imagined.

First, you have realize you deserve more -- you do deserve to be happy. Then, you have to actually trust yourself and believe it, which, of course, is easier than it sounds. Lastly, you have to do something about it. You have to fight to make it happen. This is an incredibly difficult process and takes a great amount of time and energy. But I found it to be the most liberating process of my life. As I’ve said many times to many people, going through a divorce is both the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me.

There is something so amazing about realizing you’re at rock bottom and then realizing you, and only you, can pull yourself out of it. You are the most powerful person in your life and when the time comes, independence may be just what the doctor ordered.