Divorce Interrupted

For those of you who have read Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love,” you will understand what I’m about to do. For those of you that haven’t, you’ll probably think I’m slightly off my rocker. Either way, I’m getting a little desperate here and if I learned anything from reading Gilbert’s unique memoir of life after divorce, it’s that you need to do whatever makes you happy, even if society at large looks at you a little funny.

I was thinking this morning of calling my not-yet ex-husband and begging him to move things along with our divorce, but I know that wouldn’t do either of us any good. I’ve finally figured out that the sound of my voice on his voicemail just makes him move even slower than he normally would. So I’ve decided to do steal Gilbert’s idea and write a petition.

Hello, Husband --

Your wife here. Yes, I am your wife. We have been married for almost 4 years. Hard to believe. Then again, even harder to believe is that although we don’t want to be married, here we are living in a state of marital interruption. It’s been 23 months since we separated. 23 months that we’ve been communicating through attorneys. 23 months and we have still not managed to reach an agreement. To use one of your favorite words, this is simply ridiculous, mainly because we were together as husband and wife for 23 months. Do you see a problem here? I do.

I want to move on with my life. I want to be able to go out on a date and not have to explain why I’m still married. I want to stop answering the questions, “aren’t you divorced yet?” “What’s taking so long?” I want to stop telling people that I have done everything they’re suggesting. I’m working with my second attorney and about to hire my third. But whatever I do, it’s just not helping because you refuse to cooperate.

I feel divorced. I felt the permanent fracture in our marriage the day I moved out, yet there is part of me that is still attached to you. I know I will always carry our good memories in my heart, but this is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the legalities and negativities that still have a grip on me. I desperately want to break free of them and I can only imagine you feel the same way.

I’m writing to ask that you stop dragging your feet, stop refusing to accept any reasonable offer I put on the table and make the decision – here and now, to end this nonsense. We can agree to disagree. We can settle any issues with have with each other at any time in the future, but please, let us be divorced.

The whole situation sucks. We both know that. It sucks, not only for us, but for everyone who loves and cares about us. It’s been hard for them, too. My friends are sick of hearing about our continuing saga. My mother is ready and willing to have both your legs broken and you know she has connections. Least of all, my bank account is pleading for an end to large withdrawals. I know you must be suffering, too. I know your friends and family must be hurting for you and just want to see you happy. Let’s be adults and choose happiness. Let’s start over right now, sign what needs to be signed and set each other free.

I will turn 35 in 75 days and all I want is to be divorced. Dare I dream? I do. I dream about those three words being uttered by a judge in a courtroom, “DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE.” Can you imagine what a glorious day that will be? I think about it sometimes in the shower and I get so giddy I can’t stand it.

I realize this all sounds a bit melodramatic, but it’s time. It’s time for us to put the past aside, forget the hurt, anger and frustration and start anew. It’s the right thing to do and more importantly, the healthy thing to do. This is all I ask. If you would comply, I am confident that we would be happier people, carrying a little less weight around and open to making the best decisions we can make for ourselves.

I am grateful for your attention to this matter and to assist in the process, I have recently purchased a Daruma doll, a Japanese wish doll with no arms or legs. Following tradition, I filled in a single circular eye while thinking of a wish. Should my wish come true, I will fill in the second eye. I am counting on that happening within the next 75 days.

Thank you, sincerely.