First Steps / Second Time: All Aboard

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All Aboard

I find it both incredibly awful and wonderfully comforting that a number of my friends are also going through divorce hell right now. I cannot figure out how or why so many of these smart, good-looking, funny, wonderful women are all in the same boat, but at least we have each other to lean on.

It’s a strange feeling when you know that you can call or text a friend on any given day and ask how her appointment with her lawyer went, but reassuring that when you need to vent about the calls or appointments with your lawyer (any one of the possible four), they’ll be there and they’ll get it. They’ll understand why paying $27.50 for a quick phone call to your lawyer’s paralegal makes you crazy or how the terms ‘bifurcate’ and ‘decree nisi’ should automatically come with explanations in English. Plain and simple – it sucks. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to make it better, but good friends can offer an empathetic ear and more importantly, make you laugh when you didn’t think legalese and hourly rates could make you giggle.

It’s a life-saver that when you need to re-live every single detail in your head out loud just to keep your head on straight, you’ve got someone who will listen and not judge. Sometimes your stories are better than hers and sometimes it’s the other way around. There are even times when a friend’s ex will make yours look like prince charming, but in my case, that’s rare. I happen to think that some of the things my ex did trump any story I’ve heard yet. For close friends, I even offer one of my stories as a “if you’re feeling bad about your divorce, this will make you feel SO much better.”

I just noticed that I am sans de vin right now and I most definitely should not be. Anyway, it really is a relief when you know that one friend or another, or a bunch of them, will be ready for drinks on Friday night and you don’t have to worry about being the third or fifth wheel, or whoever you’re with being on a husband hunt.

But how did this happen? I don’t think I’ll ever understand so I guess I should just be thankful: thankful that I’m not alone, or lonely. It’s an amazing feeling to be alone, yet not lonely, but it can be easy to forget that in the midst of starting your entire life over from scratch. We’re all starting over from scratch and we’ve all experienced the plethora of highs and lows that accompany this process. The most important saving grace for me is my friends.

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.