First Steps / Second Time: 'No' in Training

Monday, July 6, 2009

'No' in Training

I’ve never been good at saying no. I’m a Libra, an only child and an overall people-pleaser. I was always the most well behaved kid, the teacher’s pet and everyone’s parents’ favorite friend. A couple of years ago I was told that if I were a dog, I’d be a service dog. And yes, it was meant as a compliment. As an adult, I’d still rather say yes and consequently spend a lot of time I don’t have fulfilling my obligations than saying that word. OK – I have gotten better about this though; now I usually just lie, especially when it comes to dating.

If someone asks me out and I’m not interested, I just make something up. This is not as easy as it sounds, however, because when I get nervous, I’m not all that quick on my feet. A couple of months ago at a work function, a Florida Highway Patrol officer asked me out – via a colleague (come on!). So I lied. I said I was in a serious relationship. I did not specify that this relationship was with my 8 year-old Cocker Spaniel. I also did not specify that even if I was remotely attracted to this man, I’m not in the least interested in dating any type of law enforcement officer. I’ve had one hell of an experience in that area and do NOT wish to go there again. I know it’s not really fair to reject anyone who works in law enforcement, but my past experience was a doozy. (Note to reader: when the guy you're dating ends up on the front page of the newspaper for breaking the law when he should be enforcing it, it's time to call it quits.)

So is there a better way to tell someone to hit the road without hurting their feelings? Or do you just flat-out say no? No, I’m not interested? No, I’m busy? No, I don’t think that would work? No, but thanks for asking? Do tell. This puppy needs training.

1 comment:

CarisaJuly 6, 2009 at 11:26 PM
My normal response, "Thanks for offer but no thank you."
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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.