First Steps / Second Time: Ex talk

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Ex talk

Post divorce dating, in my experience, usually involves two divorced people. That being said, talk always comes around to the ex -- why it ended, how long ago, who initiated, etc.

But I struggle over how much talk about the ex is acceptable. I know you have to reveal the basics, but do you really want to know all the details? You want them to know who you really are, which involves how you got to where you are, but do THEY want to know? I have no idea. I don't know if it's appropriate or not to talk about how/why it ended. If it's not, how come it always seems to come up? Do you look needy and not over it if you discuss it? If you don't, do you look cold and unfeeling?

I've found there's a certain camaraderie among divorced people. It's comforting to meet more people with the Scarlet "D" and know it's not just the the kids who skipped class in high school to go smoke weed that are in this boat with you. So it's natural that the ex talk comes up, but isn't it weird to be talking about how you didn't make your marriage work with someone you could potentially forming a relationship with? When do you know how much is enough? How do you know if their ex still on their mind and you should steer clear?

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.