First Steps / Second Time: The internet

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The internet

OK - here's where I really need help, the internet as a dating tool. Really? Really.

I did it. I joined eharmony. I was bored. I was in a rut. And I wanted to see what's out there. Surprise, surprise ... it ain't pretty. I can honestly say that 95% of the "matches" are ridiculous. Lucky for me, they are almost comically ridiculous - (example #1: the semi-professional latin dancer whose pictures you can imagine for yourself).

Aside from the entertainment factor (more of which I promise to share later), I'd like to get others feedback because I've found it to be a pretty disappointing experience. Sitting at the computer eating take-out sushi and drinking cheap wine while trying to find someone you can connect with just doesn't seem ideal. I know no dating scenario is ideal, but I still think there's something wrong with looking for love online. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I'm old, but there's something a bit too cut through about it. I mean ... if you answer a question wrong, you're going to get eliminated. You're done.

That's what I do. If you play the guitar, done. If you wear dark, think-rimmed glasses, sorry. If you ride a motorcycle, nope. If you're 42 and work for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, see ya. If you listen to the Grateful Dead, forget it! So maybe these internet sites have the right idea. One of the perks of dating after you've been through a marriage that isn't working is that you know you don't want to compromise anymore. If it isn't there, then it just isn't there, so why waste time? I just wonder if we can really tell that from "profiles," "must haves," and "can't stands."

One of the questions I was asked on eharmony is, "If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play you?" Seriously??? How does one even begin to answer such a juvenile/silly/telling question? Does this stuff work? They claim there's science behind it. Hmmm.

More questions for us internet-daters to ponder:

1. What 3 characteristics would your friends use to describe you? (I think I'd rather not know)

2. What is the first thing people notice about you? (Ummmm, my hair. It's a little bigger than I am)

3. Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting

B) karaoke singing

C) finding a new route to work

D) ordering a dish you've never tried before

Do you think I turned away half of my prospects by honestly answering (c)? I would imagine so. But at least I don't have to see their eyes roll as I answer via computer.

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.