First Steps / Second Time: This is not my beautiful house ...

Saturday, June 13, 2009

This is not my beautiful house ...

It’s late Saturday morning and I’m in the midst of one of my favorite single gal activities – sleeping in, big breakfast, catching up on ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. (I even took the “which Sex in the City” character are you quiz? Not shocking the result was Charlotte.) Sipping from my favorite giant coffee mug is the cherry on top. I love sleeping in on Saturdays and I love not having to ask anyone else what they want for breakfast or having to decide who’s gonna walk the dog. But I can’t help but think about how I got here.

I’m 34 and divorced. Now I know that’s not wrong or indicative of any serious character flaws, but no matter how much I tell myself that, there’s still doubt in my mind. There’s still the look in people’s eyes when I tell them. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but sometimes I think people are secretly asking, “You?” “You’re divorced?” “What happened?”

The “what happened” question is my least favorite, because no matter what happened, no one will ever understand; unless, of course, they’ve been through it. And it never ceases to amaze me who has been through it. I look around at my friends and still can’t believe how many of them are in the same boat and in particular, which ones. I think back to high school and if you lined up my friends and I, we never would have been the ones picked out as those who would end up in divorce court. We were the ‘most like to succeed,’ ‘best dressed,’ ‘best all around,’ group and in long-term relationships. I guess that’s how meaningful high school is and goes to show you, we’re not in high school anymore.

And no matter how hard you try, you can’t predict anything. Some of us married our polar opposites -- the exact people our parents warned us against. The smarter ones married the men our families adored – they were perfect on paper and looked perfect next to you. And still, divorce has reared its ugly head. So my only advice, if I’m permitted to offer some, go with your gut and never look back.

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Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.