One of the things that worries me about dating at 34 is the bedtime preparation ritual. Since I’m not 18 anymore, I can’t fall into bed or even just go to sleep with someone without performing the bedtime routine. I mean I could, but I would look extremely frightening in the morning and more importantly, in the years to come.
Sadly, I’m not even 25, so the routine doesn’t include just brushing my teeth and washing my face. There’s flossing, there’s eye cream, foot cream, the hairdo (sometimes even ear plugs or an eye mask, but that’s rare). Now I know I’m a bit more neurotic than most but aging isn’t pretty and I’m trying to do the best I can. My ex-husband didn’t really understand the whole thing, but he’s gone now.
The routine stepped up a notch when I started sleeping with a night guard in my mouth so my jaw doesn’t walk off with half my teeth and gums one day. It could be worse, of course, but the 12 year-old with a discolored retainer isn’t the exact look I’m going for. Talking doesn’t really work well with a night guard and usually involves drool. Kissing, as you can imagine, is out of the question. This, is my conundrum: if I don’t wear the guard, I wake up with a headache. But if I do wear it when I ever have an overnight guest, I'm afraid he'll never be my overnight guest again.
THEN, the routine leaped a GIANT notch recently when my podiatrist gave me a night splint for my heel spur to wear to bed. Now this thing (pictured here), is out-of-this-world ridiculous. If I were preparing for a trip to space, I would pack this very night splint, confident that it would enable me to walk on the moon. And the FOUR Velcro straps would keep me tied in snug as a bug in a rug. Clearly I don’t need to explain why I am sitting here puzzled.
And to answer your question, no, it does not fit under the covers.
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