Playing House

About six weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. In two weeks, we'll be official cohabitants. Since we made this decision, I haven’t looked back or had any second thoughts, but yesterday I had a minor panic attack when I realized that although I haven’t let myself believe it, I am a bit anxious about making such a bold step. I really didn’t think I had any anxiety about it. I sat with my man and our realtor and didn’t feel one ounce of apprehension when we signed the lease, forked over the cash and started making arrangements. Honestly. I even have a countdown calendar on my refrigerator.

So why have I begun to scream bloody murder in my sleep? Because I’m a human being. One who’s made a few ‘I’m only human’ relationship decisions in the past and this is a life-altering leap. When I’m honest with myself I see that it’s not the cohabitation that has put the butterflies in my tummy. It’s the future – the part I always stress about. I’m not scared of the here and now, the dirty dishes in the sink, how we’ll decide who will make dinner and who will walk the dogs. It’s the big stuff, the real stuff, the meat of the future.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m still blissful and confident that this is the man who can make me happy for the rest of my life, but this meat I refer to -- this building of a family -- is seriously hard work. And out of ALL the people in the entire world … HE and I … have to be on the same page if we stand a chance. What are the odds? We met practically on a whim, fell in love against all odds (well, almost) but have been ecstatically happy ever since. I’ve even had the ache in my chest when I’m lying in bed alone, knowing that he’s doing the same thing across town. When he looks at me I almost melt because I know he feels the same way about me that I do about him.

But I have learned over the years that a perfect man does not make a perfect partner and even a perfect partner does not make a perfect relationship. When you throw children into the mix (among many other things), the challenges only multiply. I think my anxiety was delayed until now because one of the things I fell in love with was that he is already a fabulous dad. He’s practically raised two kids on his own and he’s ready to be a dad for the second time. And he’s ready to be a dad to MY future children. Amazing.

What’s the solution? I wonder. First, remind myself that I’m pms-ing. Check. Second, get my thoughts down on paper so I don’t explode. Check. Third, look honestly into my heart and ask myself what I truly believe. Check. Last, have a chat with the wonderful man who has agreed to take me for who I am and enjoy me being happier than ever before.

A Dog and A Yard

Dating after divorce can be scary. Maybe “scary” is a little strong, but in order to get to know someone, you obviously have to reveal things about yourself. This can be very intimidating. Admit it: this is why you were happy being a married person who would never have to date again.

Coming out of a marriage or other long-term relationship, you’re used to being with someone who accepts you and everything about you. This is a nice, comfy place to be and not easy to tear yourself away from. It’s reassuring to know that the person you’re sharing your life with chooses to stay with you despite your deepest, darkest secrets. And though they may get annoyed by certain things you do, they know everything there is to know and they still come home every night, mow the lawn and pick you up at the airport.

So when you re-enter the world of dating and you have to start gradually revealing yourself, in all your greatness and your flaws, some insecurities are going to pop up. When you’re just getting back out there, it’s the little things that matter. You worry about what you’re going to wear, what your date will think of your profession or how you spend your free time. Maybe they’ll be judgmental about the fact that you’re divorced. But after a little practice, you get used to it and you don’t sweat the small stuff so much.

When you find someone you really like and connect with, however, and it looks like it may really go somewhere, more insecurities appear. You’ve progressed past the beginning stages and formed a “relationship.” You’ve met their friends and family. He or she may even have a drawer or section of your closet dedicated just to them. They know what you look like in the morning or after a run. They know you don’t really shave every day and you’re both ok with it.

But what about the real stuff? The things that make you you? The fears and anxieties you share only with those who truly love you? How do you know when to reveal what? It’s been a long time since I felt this way about someone and I’m befuddled by the process. Finding someone to share my life with does not worry me. I know there’s someone out there. Having this person accept me (and all my neurosis) keeps me up at night. Luckily, only sometimes.

We’re all pretty nuts and I am by no means an exception. I don’t know if I could live with me: my moods, my books everywhere, my resemblance to Courtney Cox’s Monica on 'Friends' – yes, I can tell when something on the counter or bookshelf has been moved. Maybe most irritating is that I talk to the dog like a person and I actually answer (in the “dog’s” voice but we won’t go there).

I guess that’s the whole idea of finding a potential partner, whether you’re divorced or not. When you feel strongly enough about someone, you open up when you’re ready and vice versa. You love them inside out and the only way to survive in a relationship is to trust that they will feel the same. If it’s right, you’ll both accept the responsibility of loving each other.

But it does remind me of Mr. Freecreditreport.com, who married his dream girl but she didn't tell him her credit was bad.
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb, they’re living in the basement at her mom and dad's. He’d rather be a “bachelor with a dog and a yard.” Yeah, not a bad idea. ;-)

Dress Me Up

Since I haven’t been out on too many first dates recently, I am somewhat clueless about what to wear. Apparently every single woman should have that “fabulous pair of jeans,” but I’m pretty sure I don’t. Should I head to the mall? I live in South Florida so dresses are always an easy and semi-cool option. Is that too dressy? I guess it depends on the date, but is there a general rule I should refer to?

As expected, there seems to be some debate on how revealing your first date outfit should be. Some advise toward doing everything you can to make the man drool in longing …. But I’m just not into that. I tend to lean toward conservative when it comes to dress (ok I’m really way conservative but I’m trying to work on that), so that rules out any micro-minis with revealing cleavage. And I do honestly feel that I shouldn’t need to broadcast my potential sexiness on a first date, but I can be seriously behind the times, even though I’m only 34. (Yes, I have been told over and over that I’m a young person in a way older person’s body. I believe the number 60 was mentioned. Fine.)

If there’s a safe-for-all-occasions first day outfit, I’m determined to find it. Is it out there? Doubtful, but worth a look anyway.

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

Location-based Dating

Speed dating took off around 2001 and recently I've heard the term "hurry" dating thrown around, but the newest and most tech-savvy way of meeting a significant other has got to be Meetmoi, location-based mobile dating. 

You can go to www.meetmoi.com to join the latest internet version of dating. Just set up your phone, create your dating profile and as you move around meetMoi updates your location in real time. When one of your matches is nearby, you get an alert on your phone. Open the alert and view your match’s pic and profile and if you like what you see, you make a connection via email, instant message or a wink. Or if you’re feeling really adventurous, you can meet in person. 

This does cost a fee and I'm not sure how much but if anyone has tried this, I would love to know. In theory, it seems like it makes sense but since a large majority of the population have jobs, it may be difficult to carry out. But I don't know. Maybe I'm just being cynical. Either way, I think it gives another meaning to the term 'smart phone.'

Man Seeks Woman - Man Finds Woman

Even before I was married, I noticed that there always seem to be more single women than men. (And by single, I mean non-dating or not in a relationship, not necessarily unmarried.) Time and again I've seen relationships end and before you can say "good riddance," the man immediately starts dating someone else and the woman does not. I definitely fall into this category, but I know it's not just me. 

Men, no matter what their occupation, age or score on the looks scale, always seem to be able to find someone to date (or just sleep with) while us women are home pondering the reasons the relationship didn't work and wondering how we'll meet our next companion. Again, I look to my female friends. They're beautiful, smart, funny, personable, lovable people. Yet they're single and their exes are onto the next relationship in a snap. How is it so much easier for men to find women than the other way around?  

I guess there are a number of possibilities. First, men are willing to settle for less. They really don't need a good figure, nice face AND brains. One or two of the above will suffice. And the figure and face can be real or fake - they don't discriminate in that area. Second, they can't be alone. Can you imagine a 38 year-old guy sitting home alone on a Friday night seriously thinking about the pros and cons of his last relationship and how he can make the next one better and last longer? Third -- and I'm making these all up as I go, of course -- third, they knew they weren't good enough for you in the first place so it's time they find someone they feel superior to. And that's certainly easier than finding an equal mate. Lastly, they think of their partner as a status symbol and they need something to illustrate where they are in the world and accompany them to whatever they do on the weekends. Guys don't just hang out, chat and enjoy each others' company the way women do. They need a buddy, hopefully one with benefits. 

But this still does not answer my question -- where do they find these women? Who are these women that are so readily available? It's just something I cannot get straight in my head no matter how hard I try. Smart, quality women: single. Not-so-smart, mediocre men: dating. Baffling. So if you have any thoughts, please contribute. I'd really love to get some reason insight into this.   

Mr. Offerdahl

One of the reasons I experience so much angst over the thought of dating is that I’m not really comfortable around men (yelp!). Never have been, at least not at first. But I do look forward to the day I grow out of this stage. I’m sure there are some unexplored paternal issues there, but I won’t get into that right now. Once I get to know a guy, I’m fine -- but at first, it’s rough.

This is one of the reasons I like working with a group of women my age (well almost anyway). It’s fun to gossip at lunch, hear about others’ love lives, crazy roommates and in-laws and basically feel better about my own life for an hour. But it can also be good for your love life, as I found while out to lunch one day. 

Four of us went out to a casual salad/sandwich place in town called Offerdahl’s and I happened to eye a nicely dressed, nice-looking guy. He was no Johnny Deep, but I was impressed with his outfit and most importantly, his shoes. This might not seem like such a big deal, but it’s not every day you see a nicely dressed man in south Florida, so ... to the shock of my fellow colleagues, I expressed my interest to them.

Apparently they were so shocked that I pointed out a cute guy in public that when I very innocently headed to the bathroom, they very not-so-innocently rummaged through my purse for my business card and passed it to him. Did they tell me this? I’ll let you answer that. Suffice it to say that I learned of this behind-the-scenes matchmaking when we went to leave and the man I happened to think was pretty cute calls out my name. 

I have to say, I was surprised and not surprised. So when he said my name, I turned around and I replied with, “they didn’t?” He, of course, said, “they did.” Keep in mind that the three giggly asses I work with were safely to the getaway car by now, hidden behind dark tinted windows. Unfortunately, Mr. Offerdahl was not quite as cute up close. He was nice looking enough but shorter than I thought and with the mouth of a hockey player.

The nice part about this story is that it ends with a lunch date -- one. The sad part is that it happened at none other than Offerdahl’s a couple of weeks later. And I still can’t run in there for a lunchtime sandwich without running into him. I don’t know how (I did well in physics but not that well), but every single time I’m there, he’s there too. I always make a point to look like I’m in a very big hurry and he usually follows up with an email about how good I looked and if I ever wanna get together again … Nah. 

Happily Ever After ... Divorce

Book Review at http://bookopolis.blogspot.com/2009/06/book-review-happily-ever-after-divorce.html

Social "Divorcing"

Not only have the advances in technology made dating more complicated -- with so many ways to break up with someone and so many different accounts and sites to check and see if your potential date has gotten back to you. According to Time magazine, it's got a place in divorce, too. Interesting and somewhat frightening article.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1904147,00.html

Walking on the Moon

One of the things that worries me about dating at 34 is the bedtime preparation ritual. Since I’m not 18 anymore, I can’t fall into bed or even just go to sleep with someone without performing the bedtime routine. I mean I could, but I would look extremely frightening in the morning and more importantly, in the years to come. 

Sadly, I’m not even 25, so the routine doesn’t include just brushing my teeth and washing my face. There’s flossing, there’s eye cream, foot cream, the hairdo (sometimes even ear plugs or an eye mask, but that’s rare). Now I know I’m a bit more neurotic than most but aging isn’t pretty and I’m trying to do the best I can. My ex-husband didn’t really understand the whole thing, but he’s gone now.

The routine stepped up a notch when I started sleeping with a night guard in my mouth so my jaw doesn’t walk off with half my teeth and gums one day. It could be worse, of course, but the 12 year-old with a discolored retainer isn’t the exact look I’m going for. Talking doesn’t really work well with a night guard and usually involves drool. Kissing, as you can imagine, is out of the question. This, is my conundrum: if I don’t wear the guard, I wake up with a headache. But if I do wear it when I ever have an overnight guest, I'm afraid he'll never be my overnight guest again.

THEN, the routine leaped a GIANT notch recently when my podiatrist gave me a night splint for my heel spur to wear to bed. Now this thing (pictured here), is out-of-this-world ridiculous. If I were preparing for a trip to space, I would pack this very night splint, confident that it would enable me to walk on the moon. And the FOUR Velcro straps would keep me tied in snug as a bug in a rug. Clearly I don’t need to explain why I am sitting here puzzled.

And to answer your question, no, it does not fit under the covers.