The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power. 

Yours and Mine

As I’ve mentioned, I’m pretty familiar with the dividing-of-the-stuff process that’s required with break-ups. I happen to think my ex-husband took a unique approach but then again, I’m sure everyone thinks that. What is not as fresh in my memory is the merging of the stuff. 

At the point of moving in with your significant other, you’ve already established a number of things: your side of the bed and whether or not you’re a snoozer, how long it takes you to get ready in the morning, your partner’s eating habits and what they like to watch on TV. But this all takes on new meaning when you live in a home you share, and you can’t just leave and go back to YOUR place.

How many times can you press snooze before pushing your partner over the edge? Do you leave the TV on when you go to sleep? Who gets the bathroom first in the morning? And does that person have to walk the dog as a concession? Eating habits aren't too difficult, but what about their clean-up habits? Do they leave dishes in the sink or send them straight to the dishwasher? Do they empty the dishwasher all at once or one by one?

The dividing of housework is probably most complicated. Do you go grocery shopping together? Do you cook together or switch off cooking and clean-up? Do you do your laundry together or separately? Does he or she leave the laundry in the dryer for days until you can’t stand it any longer and throw it on his or her side of the bed? Does he take out the garbage because it’s a “guy” thing, or are you forced to take it out because you can’t stand the smell? And it’s super fun when the leftovers you were about to grab for lunch on your way to work are suddenly m.i.a. You know who had a midnight snack.

The bathroom stuff is probably them most sensitive. Do you close and lock the door when you go? What if an odor lingers after your most recent trip? Do you still get embarrassed? Do you use Q-tips, or did you mom advise you against that when you were little? Do you pop your pimples or have to trim your nose hair? These are all things that come to light when you cohabitate and it ruins the romance at times, if you let it. 

I think the biggest unknown is, how often to do you have sex? Do you continue along the path you've been on? It’s a touchy subject (no pun intended) – when you start saying good-night and meaning good-night, when you go to the bedroom to go to sleep or even read. (Yikes!) You don’t have limited time together anymore so you don’t need to make the most of it. If you’re tired, you want to go to sleep. But what do they want? Are they tired too? How can you tell? Soon enough you learn to read them and they you. And soon enough, when they pass out on the couch in front of the TV, you leave them there because that means you get the whole bed to yourself for a while. 

I think Hollywood captured the moving in together ritual well in 'When Harry Met Sally' when Harry and Sally's best friends moved in together and attempted to combine their stuff, only the wagon-wheel coffee table didn't make the cut. Sometimes it's brutal, but as a woman (and a feminist I might add), I still think our taste prevails, unless the man is some sort of artist, interior designer or possibly an architect. Sorry, guys. 

This post is dedicated to a young friend who is moving in with her boyfriend this weekend. As much as I enjoy the benefits of living alone and being accountable only to the dog, there's nothing like sharing a home with a loved one and starting a new stage of life together. Just remember you're human -- there will be bumps but it's all worth it. Establishing boundaries is OK. He'll still love you even when you tell him you'll throw his towel out the window the next time he leaves it on the bathroom floor or if he insists on talking to you before 7am.  Plus, you can always gripe about it over lunch with your girl friends. Good luck! :) 

 

 

Happily Ever After ... Divorce

Book Review at http://bookopolis.blogspot.com/2009/06/book-review-happily-ever-after-divorce.html

Annoying Things Couples Do - this should be good!

http://www.examiner.com/x-8510-Real-Relationship-Examiner~y2009m6d13-LizList-Top-10-Annoying-Things-Couples-Do-Part-1

This is not my beautiful house ...

It’s late Saturday morning and I’m in the midst of one of my favorite single gal activities – sleeping in, big breakfast, catching up on ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. (I even took the “which Sex in the City” character are you quiz? Not shocking the result was Charlotte.) Sipping from my favorite giant coffee mug is the cherry on top. I love sleeping in on Saturdays and I love not having to ask anyone else what they want for breakfast or having to decide who’s gonna walk the dog. But I can’t help but think about how I got here.

I’m 34 and divorced. Now I know that’s not wrong or indicative of any serious character flaws, but no matter how much I tell myself that, there’s still doubt in my mind. There’s still the look in people’s eyes when I tell them. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but sometimes I think people are secretly asking, “You?” “You’re divorced?” “What happened?”

The “what happened” question is my least favorite, because no matter what happened, no one will ever understand; unless, of course, they’ve been through it. And it never ceases to amaze me who has been through it. I look around at my friends and still can’t believe how many of them are in the same boat and in particular, which ones. I think back to high school and if you lined up my friends and I, we never would have been the ones picked out as those who would end up in divorce court. We were the ‘most like to succeed,’ ‘best dressed,’ ‘best all around,’ group and in long-term relationships. I guess that’s how meaningful high school is and goes to show you, we’re not in high school anymore.

And no matter how hard you try, you can’t predict anything. Some of us married our polar opposites -- the exact people our parents warned us against. The smarter ones married the men our families adored – they were perfect on paper and looked perfect next to you. And still, divorce has reared its ugly head. So my only advice, if I’m permitted to offer some, go with your gut and never look back.

Social "Divorcing"

Not only have the advances in technology made dating more complicated -- with so many ways to break up with someone and so many different accounts and sites to check and see if your potential date has gotten back to you. According to Time magazine, it's got a place in divorce, too. Interesting and somewhat frightening article.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1904147,00.html

4 steps for success in dating after divorce 

http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/dating-after-divorce-4-tips-for-success-964335.html

I'm charmed

They say marriage is charming partly because divorce is lousy. Check it out. 

http://www.yourtango.com/2007621/marriage-has-its-charm-partly-because-divorce-is-so-lousy.html 

Studio pix

As I enter into the world of online dating, or trying to find someone to date online, it amazes me to see how many men have studio portraits of themselves posted as their pictures. And I'm not just talking one or two. I'm talking a handful of staged shots that they paid a professional photographer to take in their studio. They are each slightly different -- the backdrop will change color or the "subject" will be leaning with elbow on knee and chin resting on fist. Sometimes the blazer is on - other times off. 

But whatever pose they chose, they are still studio shots taken by a PHOTOGRAPHER in a STUDIO. I don't get it. Is this a common practice that I have not thus far been aware of? Are there certain studios/photographers who specialize is such shots, or can you just contact anyone with a camera and a backdrop? 

Do they use these photos for other purposes? Or is it strictly for online dating? Cuz I don't think they're using them for their resume (as is the new trend even though I am vehemently opposed). If you have any insight, please let me know as my subscription with eharmony is about to expire and I do not intend to renew it ... even though this will mean no more studio photos to gag at. I think I can live with it. 

Ex talk

Post divorce dating, in my experience, usually involves two divorced people. That being said, talk always comes around to the ex -- why it ended, how long ago, who initiated, etc.

But I struggle over how much talk about the ex is acceptable. I know you have to reveal the basics, but do you really want to know all the details? You want them to know who you really are, which involves how you got to where you are, but do THEY want to know? I have no idea. I don't know if it's appropriate or not to talk about how/why it ended. If it's not, how come it always seems to come up? Do you look needy and not over it if you discuss it? If you don't, do you look cold and unfeeling? 

I've found there's a certain camaraderie among divorced people. It's comforting to meet more people with the Scarlet "D" and know it's not just the the kids who skipped class in high school to go smoke weed that are in this boat with you. So it's natural that the ex talk comes up, but isn't it weird to be talking about how you didn't make your marriage work with someone you could potentially forming a relationship with? When do you know how much is enough? How do you know if their ex still on their mind and you should steer clear? 

The cereal incident

In September of last year, I had the privilege of emptying the "marital home" of all of my belongings. When I arrived at the house (which I hadn't seen in 1 year and which was currently being occupied by my almost-ex husband), I was greeted by a number of post-it notes. The notes were attached to a bunch of things he was claiming.

The first was located on the outdoor welcome mat. As my good, good friend reminded me as she held my hand and my eyes rolled into the back of my head, getting upset over this was just not worth it. Then she changed her tune. We entered the house to find half of our household items and furniture tagged with such notes. Each one -- with the heading of 'remember this' -- clearly stated "mine." Not yours. Mine.

He wanted the TV set I owned before I knew him. Not. He wanted the dresser I had before I knew him. Nope. He wanted gifts we had gotten from my friends. No way. But the kicker ... the BIG fat kicker was the cereal. He was not letting go of his half-eaten box of cereal. No deal.

Now I could go into how this so obviously made me see very clearly how right I was in wanting to end my marriage - how ridiculously immature, childish and stubborn this man is, but I won't. I think the cereal speaks for itself. When I took this photo, I was so irritated I couldn't see the humor in it. But when my friend and I saw it again that night over a bottle of wine at a nice hotel down the street, we couldn't stop laughing. We emailed it to everyone we knew with the subject line, "This is not a joke." Maybe attaching post-it notes is a common procedure in the divorce process, but I don't think so.

And I decided at that moment that I simply must write a book. Whatever that book is about doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have a perfect shot for the cover. No ifs about it.

Occupation cowboy

I awoke this morning to find an email from eharmony, re: a new match. The emails they send to inform you of such a situation include minimal information - name, city, age, occupation. If you want more info, of course, you log on to find their picture, likes and dislikes, etc. 

My new match, for April 18, 2009 is David. From Hollywood. Age 46. Occupation: cowboy. 

Enough said. 

The dreaded first call

I  have been communicating with someone online, my first in the online dating world. We've chatted back and forth and bit and seemed to be getting along fine when he suggested we talk on the phone. Makes sense. Except that now I don't really want to talk to him. Seeing his picture and reading his emails was good enough. 

But I mustered up the courage to call last night and fortunately got his voicemail. UNfortunately, it was a prerecorded message, not his voice. No scoops there. He called me back around 9:45, but I didn't pick up the phone. I ignored his call for two reasons. (1) because I was too big of a chicken (2) because it was almost 10 o'clock at night and the last thing I want to do before bed is get nervous and/or tense (neurosis, clearly). So he emailed me to say he'd REALLY like to talk to me ... could we chat during the day, maybe during lunch? 

This irritated me (yes, I am easily irritated) for 2 reasons. (1) Ummmm ... - I have a job and do not wish to slack off during the day to talk to some guy that I MIGHT be interested in for the FIRST time. Duh. (2) I know I'm "perfection on a stick" (as one of my favorite people in the world recently told me), but HE doesn't know that. So what the hell is the rush? I mean, we met through a site called eharmony for christ's sake. I don't think there's a big hurry. Lucky for him, I'm not going anywhere. 

Mr. Futon

You will soon see that I have a habit (whether good or bad) of nicknaming people. It's something I picked up at work from my colleagues who also share this talent. I find it relevant to share this fun fact because I am going to start off my 'dating after divorce' blog with Mr. Futon.

Some people have suggested to me that the grocery store is a good place to meet potential dating prospects. I tend to disagree. While I grocery shop as much as every other food-loving American, I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone in the grocery store that I might want to have a future with, but that's just me.

I have, however, been asked out after visiting a futon store. Yup. True story. While shopping for a futon mattress last summer, I met the man I have since named Mr. Futon. Mr. Futon had owned his futon store for 27 years. He was one of the original futon sellers in the county. His entire family was in the futon business. All good information to have as a customer and I left the store satisfied with my futon purchase.

While on my way back to work, Mr. Futon calls to say that "in 27 years of business" he has never done what he's about to do -- ask me out. He thinks I have a nice smile. I seem like a nice person and he wants to know if I want to meet him for a drink or dinner. Ummmm .... now since this was not exactly someone I would want to spend time with, I froze. I froze and said, "I'll think about it." He responded by saying that it was up to me. If I was interested, I could give him a call. Now, this being my first post-marriage potential date experience, I wasn't exactly sure what to do. So I did nothing. I didn't call him back and I did think much about it. But I did get a good deal on that futon.

The internet

OK - here's where I really need help, the internet as a dating tool. Really? Really. 

I did it. I joined eharmony. I was bored. I was in a rut. And I wanted to see what's out there. Surprise, surprise ... it ain't pretty. I can honestly say that 95% of the "matches" are ridiculous. Lucky for me, they are almost comically ridiculous - (example #1: the semi-professional latin dancer whose pictures you can imagine for yourself). 

Aside from the entertainment factor (more of which I promise to share later), I'd like to get others feedback because I've found it to be a pretty disappointing experience. Sitting at the computer eating take-out sushi and drinking cheap wine while trying to find someone you can connect with just doesn't seem ideal. I know no dating scenario is ideal, but I still think there's something wrong with looking for love online. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I'm old, but there's something a bit too cut through about it. I mean ... if you answer a question wrong, you're going to get eliminated. You're done. 

That's what I do. If you play the guitar, done. If you wear dark, think-rimmed glasses, sorry. If you ride a motorcycle, nope. If you're 42 and work for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, see ya. If you listen to the Grateful Dead, forget it! So maybe these internet sites have the right idea. One of the perks of dating after you've been through a marriage that isn't working is that you know you don't want to compromise anymore. If it isn't there, then it just isn't there, so why waste time? I just wonder if we can really tell that from "profiles," "must haves," and "can't stands."

One of the questions I was asked on eharmony is, "If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play you?" Seriously??? How does one even begin to answer such a juvenile/silly/telling question? Does this stuff work? They claim there's science behind it. Hmmm. 

More questions for us internet-daters to ponder: 

1. What 3 characteristics would your friends use to describe you? (I think I'd rather not know) 

2. What is the first thing people notice about you? (Ummmm, my hair. It's a little bigger than I am)

 

3. Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting 

B) karaoke singing

C) finding a new route to work 

D) ordering a dish you've never tried before 

Do you think I turned away half of my prospects by honestly answering (c)? I would imagine so. But at least I don't have to see their eyes roll as I answer via computer.