Years that Answer

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from one of my favorite books of all time, Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God. I first read this classic American novel as a junior in high school, again as a senior in college and once since. This novel that ends with “So much of life is in its meshes! She called in her soul to come and see,” had a profound impact on me each time I read it, with every new reading seeming to awaken a different part of me that hadn’t quite developed yet. But the line I will remember and carry with me always is “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

As a young(er) adult, I often reread this line and thought, WHEN? WHERE are those years that answer? I got pretty tired of the ones that asked the questions. Always new questions. Different questions. Additional parts to old questions. But no answers. Alright … to be fair there were some answers. But I didn’t like them. They required me to put my pride aside and be a better person. They wanted me to learn lessons and apply them to my life. And they definitely weren’t quick or convenient (Note: these are two extremely important qualities in life lessons before you hit age 30, or even 35 or …).

To make matters worse (or at least more dramatic for the purpose of this blog entry), during the rough times with my ex-husband it seemed as if answers were even more fleeting. I told myself repeatedly there had to be a reason why out of all the billions of men in the world I chose to marry this one. I chose to say “I do” right before “til death do us part” in front our closest friends and family. There had to be a reason why both of us Floridians ended up in the Evergreen state, more than 3,000 miles away, right? He was the only man who would ever look at me that way, right? Would there ever be anyone who would love me as much as he did? There couldn’t be. Right?

Oh how the facade of logic can do us wrong. And oh how wrong I was. But as cliché as it sounds, I do believe it helps to be wrong every once in a while, or maybe more often than that. When you hear the dreaded “I told you so,” sometimes it’s best to smile and say “yes, but I needed to find out on my own. I needed to ask the questions and discover the answers on my terms.” The important thing is that we do discover those answers. When we’re ready.

Did I mention that it happens when we’re ready? This may be when our friends and loved ones would like us to discover them, a convenient time and place for everyone. Or it may be 20 years later. It may be before we hurt people, or procreate, or lose all the money we saved for our kids’ educations. Or it may be after a really terrible sequence of events that finally snaps us back into reality. It may be before we take the plunge and say “I do.” Or maybe not. Eventually, however, no matter the crooked path they travel, these answers do, sometimes very gradually, find their way into our heads.

Now that I’ve begun to find answers, I see them everywhere. And this, not surprisingly, generates even more questions. I keep confiding in friends that I’m scared. I have stumbled upon such genuine happiness that I’m petrified it’s going to slip through my hands. I’m terrified that it’s too good to be true. So many wonderful and fulfilling things have been thrown at me that I can only think it’s in preparation for a giant bucket of heartache. Now I’ve never really been the glass-half-full type, but this is extreme.

Yesterday, as I waited while the amazing man in my life cooked pancakes for breakfast, I was filled with gratitude. I was honestly overflowing with contentment as I sat drinking my coffee and I glanced over at the kids watching Sunday morning cartoons. Now let’s keep in mind that these kids are TEENAGERS! And these teenagers, this new insta-family package of father, son, daughter, dog AND cat – seems to be one big giant answer to a plethora of earlier-posed questions.

In the words of David Byrne and his Talking Heads, how did I get here? Did I ever picture myself here? No. Did I ever ponder a situation resembling anything like this? Can’t say I did. Did I search for a ready-made package of happiness that I could easily install without assistance? Nope. Because I didn’t think it existed. And if it did, I certainly wouldn’t be lucky enough to locate it. And make it mine. Does it make me happier than I truly thought possible? Without a doubt.

When I question my friends about how on earth this all came to be, the general consensus is that I deserve it. I earned it. I took all those years of questions, questions and more questions and carved out answers I can actually use. I opened myself up to a situation that quite simply -- revolves around happiness. When faced with the same old dilemmas, I updated my responses. I made new, different decisions. And that made all the difference.

Albert Einstein once said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Indeed. Trying the same thing over and over again IS crazy. Banging our heads against the wall to find answers just doesn’t work. I think we’ll all be better off when we acknowledge that questions will never cease. And it’s healthy to keep asking them, as long as we have faith that the answers will never cease either … when we are good and ready. I must say that Einstein was on to something.

Thankfully, 1+1=7.

Early on in my quest for answers about divorce, I often wondered why there were so many smart, funny, talented, beautiful women who were facing a life – at least temporarily – of minus one. I was grateful, however, that they we were in the same boat at the same time so we always had someone to lean on, cry to and most importantly, complain to about our attorneys. It was and is so puzzling to me how these wonderful women ended up with the short end of the straw in the relationship department. But recently, I’ve been confronted with yet another unanswerable question: How did I get to be so lucky?



There is a joke in my family that when it came to luck, we got on the wrong line. I have been blessed with a large, loving, fantastic family, but each and every one of us seem to have suffered more than our share of heartache and trouble. It took me a while to get over the bitterness of my own heartache and trouble and realize that having such a negative, victimized attitude wasn’t going to do anyone any good, especially me. Still, I never imagined I would – at any time in my life – feel like the luckiest person in the world. So the fact that I do is astonishing, incredible, unbelievable.


And to what do I owe this? I believe it is my new, instant family: the amazing man who recently came into my life and brought with him his two kids, dog and cat, and with whom my dog and I now share a home. I have always been quite the independent one and I’m proud of that. I know that relationships are not the path to happiness or the way we should judge ourselves, but over the past couple of years I have also learned how being in an unhealthy relationship can affect so many parts of our lives in ways I could never imagine. Now I’m seeing how the opposite can permeate every segment of our lives as well.


Seeing the good in everything and everyone is new to me and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. When I realized how truly unhappy I was in my marriage, I decided to end it, no matter what. Now that I see how insanely happy I can be, I don’t know what to do. I smile a lot. Sing a lot. Give lots of hugs and kisses to those I love. I have more energy. I’m more empathetic. And I’m even giving better advice. But I still find myself doing quite a bit of double-takes because I’m not exactly used to good things happening to me. So why are they?


I can’t find a very articulate answer to that question but I do know that I deserve to be happy. After all, it’s the reason I decided to end my marriage. I finally swallowed the fact that being in a relationship should be a positive thing; it should make us feel good, good about ourselves and our place in the world. It should be a place of comfort and solace, where fear and anxiety cannot comfortably live. A relationship is only good for us if it makes us better people, gives us strength and confidence and makes us smile. Otherwise, wouldn’t we be happier, more productive people on our own?


This is one of the important lessons I have learned over the past five years and it all seems worth it. Every second of anguish and aggravation have brought me to this place of total comfort and solace where there are not enough hours in the day to spend time with the one I love – the one who snuggles all night long, which could be the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. But I still wonder sometimes why this wonderful series of events has happened to ME. I still get frightened that I’m going to wake up from this beautiful dream.


So eventually I have to let these thoughts go and just be thankful, forever; sincerely thankful for the wonderful people and wonderful things that come my way. I’ve had this quote taped to my computer for years and I think it finally sunk in: “The world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.” Yes, gratitude is a strong emotion and one I will turn to from now on for those unanswerable questions.

Playing House

About six weeks ago, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. In two weeks, we'll be official cohabitants. Since we made this decision, I haven’t looked back or had any second thoughts, but yesterday I had a minor panic attack when I realized that although I haven’t let myself believe it, I am a bit anxious about making such a bold step. I really didn’t think I had any anxiety about it. I sat with my man and our realtor and didn’t feel one ounce of apprehension when we signed the lease, forked over the cash and started making arrangements. Honestly. I even have a countdown calendar on my refrigerator.

So why have I begun to scream bloody murder in my sleep? Because I’m a human being. One who’s made a few ‘I’m only human’ relationship decisions in the past and this is a life-altering leap. When I’m honest with myself I see that it’s not the cohabitation that has put the butterflies in my tummy. It’s the future – the part I always stress about. I’m not scared of the here and now, the dirty dishes in the sink, how we’ll decide who will make dinner and who will walk the dogs. It’s the big stuff, the real stuff, the meat of the future.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m still blissful and confident that this is the man who can make me happy for the rest of my life, but this meat I refer to -- this building of a family -- is seriously hard work. And out of ALL the people in the entire world … HE and I … have to be on the same page if we stand a chance. What are the odds? We met practically on a whim, fell in love against all odds (well, almost) but have been ecstatically happy ever since. I’ve even had the ache in my chest when I’m lying in bed alone, knowing that he’s doing the same thing across town. When he looks at me I almost melt because I know he feels the same way about me that I do about him.

But I have learned over the years that a perfect man does not make a perfect partner and even a perfect partner does not make a perfect relationship. When you throw children into the mix (among many other things), the challenges only multiply. I think my anxiety was delayed until now because one of the things I fell in love with was that he is already a fabulous dad. He’s practically raised two kids on his own and he’s ready to be a dad for the second time. And he’s ready to be a dad to MY future children. Amazing.

What’s the solution? I wonder. First, remind myself that I’m pms-ing. Check. Second, get my thoughts down on paper so I don’t explode. Check. Third, look honestly into my heart and ask myself what I truly believe. Check. Last, have a chat with the wonderful man who has agreed to take me for who I am and enjoy me being happier than ever before.

Dos Due Deux

Sometimes it surprises me how often I’m reminded that no matter how good things are, getting back out there -- dating the second time around -- isn’t as easy as one would hope. Let me clarify: I didn’t think it would be easy, but I certainly thought I’d be better at it, at least a bit. I mean I’m pretty darn proud of myself for recognizing an unhealthy marriage and managing to get out of it before the ties couldn’t be broken. And I’m proud that I’ve grown immensely from the experience (mentally and emotionally, of course). I’m much stronger than I was just a few years ago. I’m more confident and independent, and a ton more comfortable with me.

But none of these developments seem to have too much of an impact on my dating life. And the truly disappointing part is that I am to blame. Yes, me. The cliché does apply. I am my own worst enemy. And my worst critic. But at least I’m not alone. We all do it. We are all our own worst enemy and our own worst critic. But why? Why are we so hard on ourselves? We would never let anyone else be so hard on us. Why don’t we show ourselves the kindness we show our friends and loved ones? I would never be so unforgiving to a friend and I would never continue a friendship with someone who judged me so harshly.

Dating the second time around just might mean that we’re more sensitive than ever. We’re scared, unsure and we know that fairy tales don’t actually exist. Doesn’t this mean we should go even easier ourselves? Be more forgiving? I refer, once again, to Elizabeth Gilbert’s bestselling memoir “Eat, Pray, Love.” In it, she describes how one day for a split second, as an elevator was closing, she saw her reflection in a security mirror and thought she spotted a friend. When life gets rough, she reminds herself of this moment saying, “never forget that in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

I, too, try to remind myself of this but it’s difficult, and I’m not sure why. Do I feel guilty about being happy so I sabotage a relationship in my head when things are going well? Quite possibly. Do I conjure up silly scenarios and create unnecessary drama where there is none? Perhaps. But it has to be the guy’s fault, right?

I’m starting to think men aren’t as dumb as they look. Or pretend to be. Dare I say they may even have the right idea? They don’t (for the most part) overanalyze. They’re not (with rare exceptions) oversensitive. They don’t FEEL every little thought, detail, glance and hiccup and wonder what it means. OK, I’m an over-analyzer and I’ve come to terms with it. It’s not going to change anytime soon. It comes with being a super-sensitive artsy type and it’s helped me see the beauty that many others can’t see in what life throws at us. As with many things, it’s a blessing and a curse.

But now I am choosing to make it only a blessing from this point forward, and will not allow it to get in the way of my happiness. If I learned one thing from living in a marriage that doesn’t work it’s that you have to love yourself in order for anyone else to have even a chance to truly love you.

Divorce has provided me with a number of lessons and I’m determined to learn every single one of them. I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve learned how to make better decisions in the future than I have in the past. And I’ve learned that the future holds great things for me. Now I promise to create adequate space for those great things by being a good friend to the most important person in my life – me. I read in a magazine today and hope to carry this thought with me, “true love begins with both curiosity about and acceptance of yourself.”

Think Again

I mentioned in a recent blog that when I married my husband I must have known, on some deep level, that I was settling into my marriage. But for whatever reason, I didn’t let myself believe it. The sad part is that I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard stories from many divorced people, even married ones, who also feared on their wedding day that their marriage might not last into their golden years. Why did did we go through with it anyway?

Some women were marrying the perfect man. He was ideal on paper – good looking, well liked, financially stable and even a little romantic. Their parents loved him. He immediately fit comfortably into the family but on their wedding day, even these women had reservations. Still, they said their vows. The wedding was paid for, gifts had been bought and guests would soon arrive. Others, like myself, had a slight inkling, but weren’t willing to face the reality. No relationship is perfect, right? And isn’t it unrealistic and slightly naïve to expect perfection? You want to go into a life-long commitment with rational expectations. The fairy tale just can't work in real life, can it?

That’s what I thought. I thought I was asking too much in wanting perfection, in wanting to feel all the butterflies and giddiness that brides in movies seem to exude. I had a gorgeous dress and the wedding of my dreams. I was 29 years-old and the time was right. I had waited long enough and he came along. So why did I ignore my gut telling me that something was wrong? Because it’s easier to ignore a problem than face it, at least for a while. (Note to self: in the long run, this is a terribly bad idea.) So I ignored the fact that I went to bed alone on my wedding night because my new husband was too busy partying to accompany his bride. I even ignored the two Grateful Dead cover band concerts we went to on our honeymoon. Yup, that’s right. I said honeymoon.

But even those of us who had the perfect mate, some still ended up in divorce court. Is it because we married the wrong person? Is it because marriage takes work and we weren’t willing to do it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations of marriage? Is it because we felt unworthy and we’re afraid we don’t deserve better? I wish I knew.

I’ve been reading lately about pre-marital counseling and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s brilliant. If you would have asked me about this idea four years ago, I probably would have said that anyone who needs counseling before they get married is in real trouble. Now I think anyone smart enough to do this is way ahead of the curve. Marriage is rough, no matter how strong it is, and it does take work. Throw in a couple of kids, job loss or financial trouble, a sick in-law and you’ve got serious challenges on your hands. Learning to work through these issues, or at least step back and take a deep breath to realize you actually need to work through these issues, before you enter into a lifelong commitment, is a sharp move.

Even learning how to handle talking about your smallest pet peeves before they turn into reasons to go to marital counseling is a giant move. Not having to pay for a third party to listen to how your spouse just can NOT handle how you leave the ceiling fan on when you’re not in the room will save you time, money and aggravation. And I do believe that just the exercise of sitting down and discussing potential future challenges might give you the confidence you need to know for sure that this is the person you want to be with until death do you part.

Flying Solo

I have recently discovered an extraordinary website called Jane Nation. Jane Nation is all about women at all the different stages of our lives. You can share thoughts in the Powder Room, meet friends in the Jane Network and join a Sisterhood, among other things.

Each Sisterhood is dedicated to a different stage of your life: new motherhood, beginning your career, getting married, being a caregiver for your aging parents or the one I gravitated to: Flying Solo. As it implies, Flying Solo is all about … Flying Solo. Now that I’ve written my first blog for the Flying Solo Sisterhood, I thought I’d share it with you.

When most women think of Flying Solo, I think what comes to mind are images of fear and loneliness, but as a divorcé in waiting, I’m finding it fabulous! Don’t get me wrong – the divorce process is a nightmare that I would never wish on another human being (except, of course, my in-laws), but being on your own again can be so rewarding.

After I separated from my husband and got my own place, all by myself, just me and the dog, it was glorious. The condo had some serious issues like a washing machine that didn’t work and a tile countertop from the early 80s, but I didn’t care. And I still don’t. I reveled in every second of unpacking my stuff and deciding willy-nilly where to put it. I have the entire medicine cabinet to myself. I keep the a/c at the temperature I like. I don’t have to clean up anyone’s dishes and I don’t have to be awakened by loud farts in the middle of the night.

I’m taking the time to enjoy these little things because that’s where my life is right now and having the freedom to make such little decisions can really be liberating. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to watch chick flicks anymore. In fact, I invite the chicks over because my place is the perfect girls night spot. Sometimes it’s hard to get used to living without your “plus one,” but there are many positives to flying solo. Now if the dog would only stop hogging the bed …

Check it out at http://www.janenation.com/

Dating Mistakes

This is a great, commmon- sense article about getting out there again - and stepping out of your comfort zone a bit.

http://romance.exofire.net/dating-after-divorce-are-you-making-a-big-dating-mistake-that-stops-you-from-loving-again/

The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power. 

V.P. of Standards

Everyone has their standards. Everyone on this earth sees things from a different perspective and judges the things that are important to them differently. I find this extremely interesting when it comes to dating because everyone’s idea of the ideal mate is so, well, different. So often I’ve worked with someone for months (or years) and gotten to know them before I meet their partner and then … I’m shocked! Either they go together really well and I just wouldn’t have predicted it or they don’t go together at all but you don’t know how to tell them (what do you know, anyway?). This, apparently, was the situation with my ex but people didn’t exactly have a problem telling me. The problem was that I didn’t listen.

The conundrum I’ve found in dating after divorce is that your standards have changed since the first time around and once you get over the initial trauma, you usually know what you’re looking for and don’t bother with what you’re not. But is this an injustice to your future relationship status? Since my marriage ended, I have erected extremely high standards and as of right now, I’m not looking to adjust them. A friend of mine mentioned that my standards might be a tad too high and I might want to lower them a bit, but isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place? Uh, yes.

So, for now, I probably won’t be going on too many dates because George Clooney seems like a commitment-phobe and Bradley Cooper seems busy with Jennifer Aniston, at least temporarily. And I’m fine with that, really. I’d much rather go for quality, all the way. But it can cast a shadow of doubt that by not giving certain men a chance, I could be losing out on something great. I mean, my standards are high: no mandals, unless you’ve had a pedicure in the recent past; no Sundays on the couch watching sports – college or pro; no baseball caps, unless you’re actually playing baseball; and no home improvement projects. If I want to improve the house, I’ll hire someone to do what I want, not you. Sorry. Oh, and I prefer a non-smokers who aren't die hard Grateful Dead fans.

There is the chance, however, that the not extremely-attractive man your friend sets you up with might be someone you could have a future with. Maybe you’re not initially attracted to him, but if your friend went to the effort to hook you up, you could give him a chance. At least one date, right? You never know. My parents, who have been married for 42 years, hated each other when they met and both went to their boss to say, “either he goes or I go.” Eight months later they were married.

But no matter how many times I go back and forth about this, I never seem to be able to conjure up the energy to go for someone I’m not really jazzed about. Maybe that will hurt me in the long run, or maybe I’ll save myself from a ton of awful dates. I just feel that there is someone out there who lives up to my standards and I want to be with someone who lives life with grace and graciousness and wants to be with someone whose standards are as high as mine. For this I refer to the gold standard: Audrey Hepburn. Can you see her dating a man wearing Teva’s and a baseball cap? I think not. 

http://www.datingish.com/706968026/my-standards-are-too-high-but-i-like-it/

All Aboard

I find it both incredibly awful and wonderfully comforting that a number of my friends are also going through divorce hell right now. I cannot figure out how or why so many of these smart, good-looking, funny, wonderful women are all in the same boat, but at least we have each other to lean on.

It’s a strange feeling when you know that you can call or text a friend on any given day and ask how her appointment with her lawyer went, but reassuring that when you need to vent about the calls or appointments with your lawyer (any one of the possible four), they’ll be there and they’ll get it. They’ll understand why paying $27.50 for a quick phone call to your lawyer’s paralegal makes you crazy or how the terms ‘bifurcate’ and ‘decree nisi’ should automatically come with explanations in English. Plain and simple – it sucks. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to make it better, but good friends can offer an empathetic ear and more importantly, make you laugh when you didn’t think legalese and hourly rates could make you giggle.

It’s a life-saver that when you need to re-live every single detail in your head out loud just to keep your head on straight, you’ve got someone who will listen and not judge. Sometimes your stories are better than hers and sometimes it’s the other way around. There are even times when a friend’s ex will make yours look like prince charming, but in my case, that’s rare. I happen to think that some of the things my ex did trump any story I’ve heard yet. For close friends, I even offer one of my stories as a “if you’re feeling bad about your divorce, this will make you feel SO much better.”   

I just noticed that I am sans de vin right now and I most definitely should not be. Anyway, it really is a relief when you know that one friend or another, or a bunch of them, will be ready for drinks on Friday night and you don’t have to worry about being the third or fifth wheel, or whoever you’re with being on a husband hunt. 

But how did this happen? I don’t think I’ll ever understand so I guess I should just be thankful: thankful that I’m not alone, or lonely. It’s an amazing feeling to be alone, yet not lonely, but it can be easy to forget that in the midst of starting your entire life over from scratch. We’re all starting over from scratch and we’ve all experienced the plethora of highs and lows that accompany this process. The most important saving grace for me is my friends. 

Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I recently came across this article on the five things men fear most about dating. I was struck by the first sentence, “most people don’t like to date.” Really? That’s excellent news. I thought I was the only one stuck in anxiety-ridden denial. It goes on to say that dating, “is a necessary stepping stone that many approach with resolve, dread or even fear.” Yup – I’m in for all three.

#1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends I have to say that I really have no desire to come between any man and his friends. I think friendships may just be the most important relationships we have in our lives. But if there’s a machismo thing going on and his buddies can’t accept that their friend is in a (hopefully) mature relationship, then I want no part of it. And I’d like some clarification: are men truly afraid that you’ll come between them and their friends or are they just scared they can’t act like college frat boys whenever they want?

#2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time I am not a trained psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I did take a class called “Marriage and Family” in college and I can tell you that one of the ways to ensure a healthy relationship is to have a balance of “me” time and “together” time. You are two people, not one, and spending time on your own and with people other than your mate can only strengthen what you have together. Bringing new perspectives or even hobbies to the relationship keeps it interesting, and keeps you interested in each other. I do love together time – don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think 24/7 together time is good for anyone.

On the other hand, If men fear being confined in a relationship, maybe they should discuss that with their potential partner (imagine the possibilities!). They may even find that their partner would appreciate time apart more than they would. Dating does soak up a big part of your free time, but isn’t that the point?

Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy As infuriating as this is, I don’t have the time or energy to get into why, over the centuries, women are continually classified as crazy, but it’s a persistent stereotype. Yes, we get our periods once a month, which usually sends our hormones into overdrive and we may act slightly irrational. But men are just as moody, if not more. (There's actually a street in my ex's hometown called "Moody Blvd." and I always used kid him that it was his street.) Anyway, if you don’t believe me, try to have a conversation with a man whose football team just lost their game. Women might cry over corny commercials or movies made by the Hallmark channel, but if it was ok for men to cry in public, they’d be all over it.

And if a guy is worried about the girlfriend who calls 20 times a day to check on him, then he needs to check on his own self-esteem. He’s the one who’s attracting someone who needs to need him. If this behavior bothers him, end it. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll do or who it will hurt. If it’s not working, say good-bye. You’re staying because you secretly like to be needed and you’ll keep dating the same woman over and over until you fix that. And if you see this scenario happen with your friends, don’t immediately blame it on the girlfriend, ok? 

Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him A man’s pride is a delicate thing. My mother always told me that my father got truly angry at her only when he knew she was right. Call a guy out on something and I bet you’ll find this to be the case. Men want to be right. Men want to be more successful than you. They want to be worshipped and they want you to look at them like they hang the moon.

When you truly love someone, I believe these things actually fall into place, but in the dating world, it’s hard to find someone that is on equal ground with you, knows he’s on equal ground with you and is ok being on equal ground with you. That is your true partner. So until you find that person, I say don’t worship anyone other than yourself (or your kids) and men, get over being threatened by successful women because they’re everywhere and you’ll have a better chance at finding a partner if you understand that and celebrate it. 

Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot and high maintenance women frighten the crap out of men. This is another area where you need to find an equal partner. I’ve known many women who spend an hour getting ready to go to the grocery story or won’t leave the house after they’ve had their eyebrows waxed because they look like they’re wearing pink eyeshadow. But I’ve also known men who take longer than their wives to get ready and require a separate bathroom with separate accoutrements.

If you fear women just cannot be pleased, again you’re dating the wrong women. If you can’t please her, end it and move on. If you really like her, explain your feelings to her and maybe you can work on it together. Otherwise, bye-bye. But I also wonder how/why you are afraid of attracting these women. Do you try to hard to please in general? Do you desperately want the approval of a woman? It’s a possibility. (Again, I'm not a trained psychologist.) 

As you can probably tell, I wasn’t all that impressed with this article but it is true that fear drives so much of our lives, especially when it comes to dating and even more so after divorce I believe. We’re all scared. There was a time when we thought we had it all under control and now we’re back out in the open, naked to the elements and trying to navigate our way without a g.p.s. Nonetheless, both partners must take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and the better we know ourselves, the better we’ll understand our potential partners. 

Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

According to Glamour magazine™, there are certain dating faux pas that women across generations tend to make.

First, women sometimes date just to date and because of this, get frustrated by the sheer number of unproductive, poor quality dates they end up on. Their suggestion is to redirect your negative energy and start over by dating only what you think of as “good guys.” There may not be as many dates in your future, but there won’t be as many duds either. Quality, not quantity. A novel idea.

Next, do not travel in packs. Men are not going to take out their bravery badge on a Friday night and filter through the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to ask you out. Getting shot down in front of a gaggle of girls? Not likely. If you’re out with the girls for a night on the town, great, but if you’re going out with the intention of finding a date, it’s better to fly solo. Glamour suggests a lounge or restaurant and indulging in a good book. I'm not sure if I'm quite that brave but you may be. 

To borrow from the popular expression that went from being the fountain of youth of vital dating information, to a Sex and the City episode, to a best-selling book, to a movie, “he’s just not that into you.” A man knows right away if he is attracted to you and if he wants to take it to the next level, he will. Don’t spend your time over-analyzing the date, phone call, email, text or Facebook comment. If you have time to do these things, chances are he’s not into you. If he likes you, you’ll know it.

Next, easy on the liquid courage. Women tend to make this mistake often. A couple of drinks to help you relax usually turns into 3, 4 or more and then you’re toast. This is when bad stuff happens and too much information is shared. You’re on a date, not a therapy session or with your best friend at the beach, so have a drink to relax and then try some lemonade or diet coke or something (caution against Red Bull). You don’t want him to see that side of you before he knows your middle name.

Hand in hand with liquid courage is verbal diarrhea. Let him talk. Listening is one of the most wonderful qualities and while he probably knows in the first 10 minutes whether he’s into you or not, let him talk so you can find out if you’re into him. Glamour says “allowing him to direct the conversation will also ensure that you don’t spill too much.” In my opinion, this technique also has the added bonus of flattery. Guys will think you’re a dream if it seems you are actually interested in what they’re saying.

The last suggestion Glamour gives is to “Mind your manners.” I would have thought this was a given, but I guess I’m wrong again -- here's when me being a 60 year-old in a 34 year-old body comes into play. So, don’t forget to smile, be polite, make eye contact and say thank you. Manners are key and will set you apart from everyone else when it comes down to it – just like a job interview, but I won’t get into the similarities between dating and job interviews right now, lucky for you. 

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

Location-based Dating

Speed dating took off around 2001 and recently I've heard the term "hurry" dating thrown around, but the newest and most tech-savvy way of meeting a significant other has got to be Meetmoi, location-based mobile dating. 

You can go to www.meetmoi.com to join the latest internet version of dating. Just set up your phone, create your dating profile and as you move around meetMoi updates your location in real time. When one of your matches is nearby, you get an alert on your phone. Open the alert and view your match’s pic and profile and if you like what you see, you make a connection via email, instant message or a wink. Or if you’re feeling really adventurous, you can meet in person. 

This does cost a fee and I'm not sure how much but if anyone has tried this, I would love to know. In theory, it seems like it makes sense but since a large majority of the population have jobs, it may be difficult to carry out. But I don't know. Maybe I'm just being cynical. Either way, I think it gives another meaning to the term 'smart phone.'

My First Dress - the Mayor

My first post-marriage dating experience was actually a pretty good one. The way it happened really worked out to my advantage. The stars were aligned and I was about to try on my first dress in the world of single people. Again.  

We met at a networking event when I happened to notice what my mom would call “a good-looking fellow,” and I gave him the once-over … with positive results. This was big. It was the first time in years that I had noticed someone and could actually picture myself with him. For the presentation, we ended up sitting next to each other and had a pretty good chat. (To borrow from my pre-teen years in New Jersey), this was MAJOR. I was ok (sweating profusely, but ok) talking to an attractive man I’d never met before, and he seemed to be thinking I wasn’t too bad either.

When the presentation ended he casually turned to me and said, “are you hungry?” “I’m starved,” I said (because I really was. I can’t stand these networking events where they pour wine down your throat but won’t give you so much as a cracker to go with it. I’m a lightweight, people, and I need food to sustain myself for the actual networking portion of the evening).

We left and met at a restaurant downtown and it wasn’t long before he spilled the beans. This was actually a set-up. A mutual friend suggested he attend the event because I was going to be there and she thought we’d hit it off. I hadn’t a clue but it was fine with me. We were having a nice dinner and he was nice to look at. He seemed really genuine, too. Our mutual friend had told him about my situation so he told me his, which wasn’t much different. He seemed understanding and I felt completely comfortable talking about the big “D” on our foreheads. Dinner went on, me with another glass of wine (come on, I wasn’t that comfortable) – and he with a coke. I learned during dinner that he was the Mayor of a local city and the lead singer of a rock band. I felt a little awkward, maybe even a tad unworthy, but what the hell? He asked me out.

What I didn’t learn during that dinner but could have easily guessed was that he was a player as well. But honestly, even if I had known, I really don’t think I would have changed things. I was dating someone. Someone other than my useless ex-husband found me attractive. It was out with the old and in with the new. I was surviving and enjoying simultaneously.

I knew we didn’t have a long-term future together: he ate out three meals a day, drank ONLY coca-cola, turned the a/c off in his house when he wasn’t home (In south Florida!!!) and he jumped at a free meal like the best of the Boca Raton Red Hat Ladies. But possibly the most irksome quality about Mr. Mayor was that he communicated primarily through text messages. But I was dating! We did movies and dinner together. We had a weekend getaway in Naples. I watched him rock the crowd on Friday nights and he loved my dog.

When we had been dating for a couple of months, however, he decided to tell me a little more about his past, specifically about how he cheated on his last live-in girlfriend with one of the area’s newscasters and as a result, his city will never get any news coverage from her. Why he decided to share this information is still a mystery to me. But even more specifically, he explained how the two women involved found out about his charade and confronted him, together, in his house. I got a great chuckle and a minor bout of stomach cramps from this conversation but since he was being so forthcoming, somehow it ended with us deciding to date only each other.

Or at least that’s what I thought. A couple of days later – 3 to be exact – a good friend breaks the news to me that Mr. Mayor asked out one of her colleagues. Since she knew we were supposedly together, she emailed him and asked him if he was seeing anyone. He gave a very vague answer and went on to say how he really wanted to take her to this upcoming event. I was going to be out of town for the event so I guess he needed an escort.  

Ok. Fine. He didn’t want to be monogamous. I had noticed while we were together that he had a virtual checklist: a checklist of all the things he wanted in a wife and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until he got them. All. And I didn’t possess them, nor did I really want to. And the final straw was incredibly immature way he handled the situation.

After things blew over a bit, I called him to see if I could stop by. I wanted to end things quickly but painlessly. We were both adults, right? Not exactly. As he opened the front door, I got a really strange feeling. Maybe it was because he had rearranged the living room as if a therapy session was taking place with he as the therapist and me, of course, as the patient. I guess he knew that I wanted to end things, but he wasn’t going to let that to happen. HE wanted to end things. And that’s what he did.

He cut me off before I could say anything. He wanted me to commiserate with him that although we had a good time together, there really wasn’t any spark. What bothered him most was that he didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when he saw me. But he felt really bad for feeling this way.  He wanted me to know that I didn’t do anything wrong. He told me I was smart. And pretty. And asked me if I was ok – again, and again, and again. Yes, Mr. Mayor, although I will no longer be hanging out in a house with 2 liter Coke aplenty, I think I’ll be ok, especially because now I don’t have to watch the last movie in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.