First Steps / Second Time: being single

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Question of Cohabitation

In the past week, I have come across a bunch of articles commenting on the recent study that claims couple who live together before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce and I just can't get this one straight in my head. I just can't imagine entering into a lifelong commitment with someone and not knowing all of the good, bad, AND the ugly. I mean, no matter how bad that one particular habit might be, at least you know about it before you say "I do." At least you've accepted it, if only on a subconscious level.

There are so many comments about this study -- "Those who move in together before marriage are more liberal so they don't value marriage as seriously" or "Sharing a home before marriage can pressure people into getting married for all the wrong reasons," "Marriage is dead. It can't be saved. Get over it" or just that these studies are grossly misleading -- and I think they're all somewhat surprising.

Maybe I'm behind the times. Maybe I'm ahead of the times. My opinion: living with another human being is hard, whether it's your partner, your roommate, your grandma, or your dog. You have to learn how to live with someone and I think you should make sure you can live with the person you're in love with with minimal aggravation before ... well before you commit to them for the rest of your life. What do you think? Have we gone back to a place where it's safer for your relationship to keep the little things to yourself and keep your own place so you don't get pressured into marriage?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Flying Solo

I have recently discovered an extraordinary website called Jane Nation. Jane Nation is all about women at all the different stages of our lives. You can share thoughts in the Powder Room, meet friends in the Jane Network and join a Sisterhood, among other things.

Each Sisterhood is dedicated to a different stage of your life: new motherhood, beginning your career, getting married, being a caregiver for your aging parents or the one I gravitated to: Flying Solo. As it implies, Flying Solo is all about … Flying Solo. Now that I’ve written my first blog for the Flying Solo Sisterhood, I thought I’d share it with you.

When most women think of Flying Solo, I think what comes to mind are images of fear and loneliness, but as a divorcé in waiting, I’m finding it fabulous! Don’t get me wrong – the divorce process is a nightmare that I would never wish on another human being (except, of course, my in-laws), but being on your own again can be so rewarding.

After I separated from my husband and got my own place, all by myself, just me and the dog, it was glorious. The condo had some serious issues like a washing machine that didn’t work and a tile countertop from the early 80s, but I didn’t care. And I still don’t. I reveled in every second of unpacking my stuff and deciding willy-nilly where to put it. I have the entire medicine cabinet to myself. I keep the a/c at the temperature I like. I don’t have to clean up anyone’s dishes and I don’t have to be awakened by loud farts in the middle of the night.

I’m taking the time to enjoy these little things because that’s where my life is right now and having the freedom to make such little decisions can really be liberating. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to watch chick flicks anymore. In fact, I invite the chicks over because my place is the perfect girls night spot. Sometimes it’s hard to get used to living without your “plus one,” but there are many positives to flying solo. Now if the dog would only stop hogging the bed …

Check it out at http://www.janenation.com/

Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.