And he vacuums

Apparently I’m a cynic. I never considered myself one, but as things continue to delight in the relationship department, I’m beginning to wonder if there can be there too much of a good thing. My inner skeptic is acting aggressively lately and I’m just not sure whom to believe. My heart is asking me to sit back, relax and enjoy, but the skeptic is warning me to take out the common sense and apply with care. I mean, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, right?

It was only a few weeks ago I wrote about finding comfort in being able to enjoy a good, healthy relationship without worrying where it’s headed. No sooner did I get those words on the screen that I started worrying about trusting myself too much, if that’s possible. And just as those nagging thoughts started to appear, it seemed as if conversations about relationships were everywhere. And conversations about relationships make me think of my own relationship, even when I had decided against that very thing.

Even he wanted to talk about our relationship. Yes, ladies, the man brought up the future. Surprise, surprise. He wasn’t nervous, awkward or needy. No pressure, no demands, just a mature, adult male (yes I did say mature adult male) who knows how he feels, what he wants and is confident enough to discuss it without the slightest bit of discomfort.

When the guy you’re in a good, healthy relationship with continues to act like a mature adult male, can you help but wonder if it’s just too darn good to be true? Recently, my mature adult male-friend and I marveled at each other and our relationship – how seamlessly things are working out, how naturally everything fits together. We asked each other, Is this it? Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when its right? Is this what people in happy relationships experience? Is this what we’ve been striving to find all these years? Can this last? How do you know?

I asked the opinion of a friend of mine who said, “you just know.” And I know she’s right. As much as I want a checklist of rights and wrongs, dos and don’ts and a higher power to wake me during the night to give me a definitive answer, preferably in writing, we all know that’s not going to happen. You have to figure it out on your own. You can solicit advice from every person you’ve met since kindergarten. You can do a free survey on surveymonkey.com. and you can have your tarot cards read, but it’s your decision and yours alone.

The thing about this decision that keeps me up at night is the question of trust. How do you know when you can and should trust yourself, when the decision you made the first time around was less than stellar? How do you know the difference between a real, lasting connection and getting lost in the giddiness of a new, comfortable relationship? How do you know if the little things you love about him now will drive you crazy in the future? I think my friend was right – you just know. When you dig down really deep and tell yourself the complete and honest truth, only then can you trust yourself and make the right decisions.

I’m not an expert on relationships, just a 35 year-old woman navigating this very complicated and sometimes exhausting world of dating. So for now my answer is to trust. Trust and enjoy every second with the man who says everything has changed for the better since we met: he feels better, sees things more clearly, wants more from life. He’s astonished that I have no idea how wonderful I am. I’m astonished that that this warm, wonderful, kind and considerate man was basically delivered to my doorstep – a man who took down my Christmas tree and immediately started vacuuming the house without me even showing him where the vacuum was kept. Stop the press, ladies … can there by anything sexier than a man vacuuming? I think not. So let’s pray together that there’s no such thing as too good to be true.

Dress Me Up

Since I haven’t been out on too many first dates recently, I am somewhat clueless about what to wear. Apparently every single woman should have that “fabulous pair of jeans,” but I’m pretty sure I don’t. Should I head to the mall? I live in South Florida so dresses are always an easy and semi-cool option. Is that too dressy? I guess it depends on the date, but is there a general rule I should refer to?

As expected, there seems to be some debate on how revealing your first date outfit should be. Some advise toward doing everything you can to make the man drool in longing …. But I’m just not into that. I tend to lean toward conservative when it comes to dress (ok I’m really way conservative but I’m trying to work on that), so that rules out any micro-minis with revealing cleavage. And I do honestly feel that I shouldn’t need to broadcast my potential sexiness on a first date, but I can be seriously behind the times, even though I’m only 34. (Yes, I have been told over and over that I’m a young person in a way older person’s body. I believe the number 60 was mentioned. Fine.)

If there’s a safe-for-all-occasions first day outfit, I’m determined to find it. Is it out there? Doubtful, but worth a look anyway.

Dating Mistakes

This is a great, commmon- sense article about getting out there again - and stepping out of your comfort zone a bit.

http://romance.exofire.net/dating-after-divorce-are-you-making-a-big-dating-mistake-that-stops-you-from-loving-again/

The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power. 

Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I recently came across this article on the five things men fear most about dating. I was struck by the first sentence, “most people don’t like to date.” Really? That’s excellent news. I thought I was the only one stuck in anxiety-ridden denial. It goes on to say that dating, “is a necessary stepping stone that many approach with resolve, dread or even fear.” Yup – I’m in for all three.

#1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends I have to say that I really have no desire to come between any man and his friends. I think friendships may just be the most important relationships we have in our lives. But if there’s a machismo thing going on and his buddies can’t accept that their friend is in a (hopefully) mature relationship, then I want no part of it. And I’d like some clarification: are men truly afraid that you’ll come between them and their friends or are they just scared they can’t act like college frat boys whenever they want?

#2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time I am not a trained psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I did take a class called “Marriage and Family” in college and I can tell you that one of the ways to ensure a healthy relationship is to have a balance of “me” time and “together” time. You are two people, not one, and spending time on your own and with people other than your mate can only strengthen what you have together. Bringing new perspectives or even hobbies to the relationship keeps it interesting, and keeps you interested in each other. I do love together time – don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think 24/7 together time is good for anyone.

On the other hand, If men fear being confined in a relationship, maybe they should discuss that with their potential partner (imagine the possibilities!). They may even find that their partner would appreciate time apart more than they would. Dating does soak up a big part of your free time, but isn’t that the point?

Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy As infuriating as this is, I don’t have the time or energy to get into why, over the centuries, women are continually classified as crazy, but it’s a persistent stereotype. Yes, we get our periods once a month, which usually sends our hormones into overdrive and we may act slightly irrational. But men are just as moody, if not more. (There's actually a street in my ex's hometown called "Moody Blvd." and I always used kid him that it was his street.) Anyway, if you don’t believe me, try to have a conversation with a man whose football team just lost their game. Women might cry over corny commercials or movies made by the Hallmark channel, but if it was ok for men to cry in public, they’d be all over it.

And if a guy is worried about the girlfriend who calls 20 times a day to check on him, then he needs to check on his own self-esteem. He’s the one who’s attracting someone who needs to need him. If this behavior bothers him, end it. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll do or who it will hurt. If it’s not working, say good-bye. You’re staying because you secretly like to be needed and you’ll keep dating the same woman over and over until you fix that. And if you see this scenario happen with your friends, don’t immediately blame it on the girlfriend, ok? 

Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him A man’s pride is a delicate thing. My mother always told me that my father got truly angry at her only when he knew she was right. Call a guy out on something and I bet you’ll find this to be the case. Men want to be right. Men want to be more successful than you. They want to be worshipped and they want you to look at them like they hang the moon.

When you truly love someone, I believe these things actually fall into place, but in the dating world, it’s hard to find someone that is on equal ground with you, knows he’s on equal ground with you and is ok being on equal ground with you. That is your true partner. So until you find that person, I say don’t worship anyone other than yourself (or your kids) and men, get over being threatened by successful women because they’re everywhere and you’ll have a better chance at finding a partner if you understand that and celebrate it. 

Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot and high maintenance women frighten the crap out of men. This is another area where you need to find an equal partner. I’ve known many women who spend an hour getting ready to go to the grocery story or won’t leave the house after they’ve had their eyebrows waxed because they look like they’re wearing pink eyeshadow. But I’ve also known men who take longer than their wives to get ready and require a separate bathroom with separate accoutrements.

If you fear women just cannot be pleased, again you’re dating the wrong women. If you can’t please her, end it and move on. If you really like her, explain your feelings to her and maybe you can work on it together. Otherwise, bye-bye. But I also wonder how/why you are afraid of attracting these women. Do you try to hard to please in general? Do you desperately want the approval of a woman? It’s a possibility. (Again, I'm not a trained psychologist.) 

As you can probably tell, I wasn’t all that impressed with this article but it is true that fear drives so much of our lives, especially when it comes to dating and even more so after divorce I believe. We’re all scared. There was a time when we thought we had it all under control and now we’re back out in the open, naked to the elements and trying to navigate our way without a g.p.s. Nonetheless, both partners must take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and the better we know ourselves, the better we’ll understand our potential partners. 

Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

According to Glamour magazine™, there are certain dating faux pas that women across generations tend to make.

First, women sometimes date just to date and because of this, get frustrated by the sheer number of unproductive, poor quality dates they end up on. Their suggestion is to redirect your negative energy and start over by dating only what you think of as “good guys.” There may not be as many dates in your future, but there won’t be as many duds either. Quality, not quantity. A novel idea.

Next, do not travel in packs. Men are not going to take out their bravery badge on a Friday night and filter through the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to ask you out. Getting shot down in front of a gaggle of girls? Not likely. If you’re out with the girls for a night on the town, great, but if you’re going out with the intention of finding a date, it’s better to fly solo. Glamour suggests a lounge or restaurant and indulging in a good book. I'm not sure if I'm quite that brave but you may be. 

To borrow from the popular expression that went from being the fountain of youth of vital dating information, to a Sex and the City episode, to a best-selling book, to a movie, “he’s just not that into you.” A man knows right away if he is attracted to you and if he wants to take it to the next level, he will. Don’t spend your time over-analyzing the date, phone call, email, text or Facebook comment. If you have time to do these things, chances are he’s not into you. If he likes you, you’ll know it.

Next, easy on the liquid courage. Women tend to make this mistake often. A couple of drinks to help you relax usually turns into 3, 4 or more and then you’re toast. This is when bad stuff happens and too much information is shared. You’re on a date, not a therapy session or with your best friend at the beach, so have a drink to relax and then try some lemonade or diet coke or something (caution against Red Bull). You don’t want him to see that side of you before he knows your middle name.

Hand in hand with liquid courage is verbal diarrhea. Let him talk. Listening is one of the most wonderful qualities and while he probably knows in the first 10 minutes whether he’s into you or not, let him talk so you can find out if you’re into him. Glamour says “allowing him to direct the conversation will also ensure that you don’t spill too much.” In my opinion, this technique also has the added bonus of flattery. Guys will think you’re a dream if it seems you are actually interested in what they’re saying.

The last suggestion Glamour gives is to “Mind your manners.” I would have thought this was a given, but I guess I’m wrong again -- here's when me being a 60 year-old in a 34 year-old body comes into play. So, don’t forget to smile, be polite, make eye contact and say thank you. Manners are key and will set you apart from everyone else when it comes down to it – just like a job interview, but I won’t get into the similarities between dating and job interviews right now, lucky for you. 

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

My First Dress - the Mayor

My first post-marriage dating experience was actually a pretty good one. The way it happened really worked out to my advantage. The stars were aligned and I was about to try on my first dress in the world of single people. Again.  

We met at a networking event when I happened to notice what my mom would call “a good-looking fellow,” and I gave him the once-over … with positive results. This was big. It was the first time in years that I had noticed someone and could actually picture myself with him. For the presentation, we ended up sitting next to each other and had a pretty good chat. (To borrow from my pre-teen years in New Jersey), this was MAJOR. I was ok (sweating profusely, but ok) talking to an attractive man I’d never met before, and he seemed to be thinking I wasn’t too bad either.

When the presentation ended he casually turned to me and said, “are you hungry?” “I’m starved,” I said (because I really was. I can’t stand these networking events where they pour wine down your throat but won’t give you so much as a cracker to go with it. I’m a lightweight, people, and I need food to sustain myself for the actual networking portion of the evening).

We left and met at a restaurant downtown and it wasn’t long before he spilled the beans. This was actually a set-up. A mutual friend suggested he attend the event because I was going to be there and she thought we’d hit it off. I hadn’t a clue but it was fine with me. We were having a nice dinner and he was nice to look at. He seemed really genuine, too. Our mutual friend had told him about my situation so he told me his, which wasn’t much different. He seemed understanding and I felt completely comfortable talking about the big “D” on our foreheads. Dinner went on, me with another glass of wine (come on, I wasn’t that comfortable) – and he with a coke. I learned during dinner that he was the Mayor of a local city and the lead singer of a rock band. I felt a little awkward, maybe even a tad unworthy, but what the hell? He asked me out.

What I didn’t learn during that dinner but could have easily guessed was that he was a player as well. But honestly, even if I had known, I really don’t think I would have changed things. I was dating someone. Someone other than my useless ex-husband found me attractive. It was out with the old and in with the new. I was surviving and enjoying simultaneously.

I knew we didn’t have a long-term future together: he ate out three meals a day, drank ONLY coca-cola, turned the a/c off in his house when he wasn’t home (In south Florida!!!) and he jumped at a free meal like the best of the Boca Raton Red Hat Ladies. But possibly the most irksome quality about Mr. Mayor was that he communicated primarily through text messages. But I was dating! We did movies and dinner together. We had a weekend getaway in Naples. I watched him rock the crowd on Friday nights and he loved my dog.

When we had been dating for a couple of months, however, he decided to tell me a little more about his past, specifically about how he cheated on his last live-in girlfriend with one of the area’s newscasters and as a result, his city will never get any news coverage from her. Why he decided to share this information is still a mystery to me. But even more specifically, he explained how the two women involved found out about his charade and confronted him, together, in his house. I got a great chuckle and a minor bout of stomach cramps from this conversation but since he was being so forthcoming, somehow it ended with us deciding to date only each other.

Or at least that’s what I thought. A couple of days later – 3 to be exact – a good friend breaks the news to me that Mr. Mayor asked out one of her colleagues. Since she knew we were supposedly together, she emailed him and asked him if he was seeing anyone. He gave a very vague answer and went on to say how he really wanted to take her to this upcoming event. I was going to be out of town for the event so I guess he needed an escort.  

Ok. Fine. He didn’t want to be monogamous. I had noticed while we were together that he had a virtual checklist: a checklist of all the things he wanted in a wife and I knew he wasn’t going to stop until he got them. All. And I didn’t possess them, nor did I really want to. And the final straw was incredibly immature way he handled the situation.

After things blew over a bit, I called him to see if I could stop by. I wanted to end things quickly but painlessly. We were both adults, right? Not exactly. As he opened the front door, I got a really strange feeling. Maybe it was because he had rearranged the living room as if a therapy session was taking place with he as the therapist and me, of course, as the patient. I guess he knew that I wanted to end things, but he wasn’t going to let that to happen. HE wanted to end things. And that’s what he did.

He cut me off before I could say anything. He wanted me to commiserate with him that although we had a good time together, there really wasn’t any spark. What bothered him most was that he didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when he saw me. But he felt really bad for feeling this way.  He wanted me to know that I didn’t do anything wrong. He told me I was smart. And pretty. And asked me if I was ok – again, and again, and again. Yes, Mr. Mayor, although I will no longer be hanging out in a house with 2 liter Coke aplenty, I think I’ll be ok, especially because now I don’t have to watch the last movie in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. 

Husband Chasing Heels?

Not bad, and definitely entertaining, advice. One thing men should try to understand is that shoes are very important to women. This can create a conundrum, however, if you see the man of your dreams walking down the street and you're in kick-ass heels, not running shoes.

Us Floridians are pretty lucky. We don't have too many weather elements to deal with except the heat. In this situation, the author warns to steer clear of flip-flops. Agreed. Running in flip-flops is NOT recommended, especially if you are trying to impress. The one other weather element Floridians have to deal with is lightning and this one is obviously a bit more tricky. I would recommend staying in during the lightning storms. They only last a couple of hours in the afternoon anyway, and running toward your husband-to-be (especially since he doesn't know that yet) in bright yellow muddin' boots just isn't a good way to start off a relationship. Sorry. :(

http://www.examiner.com/x-13870-Orlando-Beauty-Examiner~y2009m6d21-Where-to-find-husbandchasing-heels

Studio pix

As I enter into the world of online dating, or trying to find someone to date online, it amazes me to see how many men have studio portraits of themselves posted as their pictures. And I'm not just talking one or two. I'm talking a handful of staged shots that they paid a professional photographer to take in their studio. They are each slightly different -- the backdrop will change color or the "subject" will be leaning with elbow on knee and chin resting on fist. Sometimes the blazer is on - other times off. 

But whatever pose they chose, they are still studio shots taken by a PHOTOGRAPHER in a STUDIO. I don't get it. Is this a common practice that I have not thus far been aware of? Are there certain studios/photographers who specialize is such shots, or can you just contact anyone with a camera and a backdrop? 

Do they use these photos for other purposes? Or is it strictly for online dating? Cuz I don't think they're using them for their resume (as is the new trend even though I am vehemently opposed). If you have any insight, please let me know as my subscription with eharmony is about to expire and I do not intend to renew it ... even though this will mean no more studio photos to gag at. I think I can live with it. 

Ex talk

Post divorce dating, in my experience, usually involves two divorced people. That being said, talk always comes around to the ex -- why it ended, how long ago, who initiated, etc.

But I struggle over how much talk about the ex is acceptable. I know you have to reveal the basics, but do you really want to know all the details? You want them to know who you really are, which involves how you got to where you are, but do THEY want to know? I have no idea. I don't know if it's appropriate or not to talk about how/why it ended. If it's not, how come it always seems to come up? Do you look needy and not over it if you discuss it? If you don't, do you look cold and unfeeling? 

I've found there's a certain camaraderie among divorced people. It's comforting to meet more people with the Scarlet "D" and know it's not just the the kids who skipped class in high school to go smoke weed that are in this boat with you. So it's natural that the ex talk comes up, but isn't it weird to be talking about how you didn't make your marriage work with someone you could potentially forming a relationship with? When do you know how much is enough? How do you know if their ex still on their mind and you should steer clear? 

The cereal incident

In September of last year, I had the privilege of emptying the "marital home" of all of my belongings. When I arrived at the house (which I hadn't seen in 1 year and which was currently being occupied by my almost-ex husband), I was greeted by a number of post-it notes. The notes were attached to a bunch of things he was claiming.

The first was located on the outdoor welcome mat. As my good, good friend reminded me as she held my hand and my eyes rolled into the back of my head, getting upset over this was just not worth it. Then she changed her tune. We entered the house to find half of our household items and furniture tagged with such notes. Each one -- with the heading of 'remember this' -- clearly stated "mine." Not yours. Mine.

He wanted the TV set I owned before I knew him. Not. He wanted the dresser I had before I knew him. Nope. He wanted gifts we had gotten from my friends. No way. But the kicker ... the BIG fat kicker was the cereal. He was not letting go of his half-eaten box of cereal. No deal.

Now I could go into how this so obviously made me see very clearly how right I was in wanting to end my marriage - how ridiculously immature, childish and stubborn this man is, but I won't. I think the cereal speaks for itself. When I took this photo, I was so irritated I couldn't see the humor in it. But when my friend and I saw it again that night over a bottle of wine at a nice hotel down the street, we couldn't stop laughing. We emailed it to everyone we knew with the subject line, "This is not a joke." Maybe attaching post-it notes is a common procedure in the divorce process, but I don't think so.

And I decided at that moment that I simply must write a book. Whatever that book is about doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have a perfect shot for the cover. No ifs about it.

Occupation cowboy

I awoke this morning to find an email from eharmony, re: a new match. The emails they send to inform you of such a situation include minimal information - name, city, age, occupation. If you want more info, of course, you log on to find their picture, likes and dislikes, etc. 

My new match, for April 18, 2009 is David. From Hollywood. Age 46. Occupation: cowboy. 

Enough said. 

The dreaded first call

I  have been communicating with someone online, my first in the online dating world. We've chatted back and forth and bit and seemed to be getting along fine when he suggested we talk on the phone. Makes sense. Except that now I don't really want to talk to him. Seeing his picture and reading his emails was good enough. 

But I mustered up the courage to call last night and fortunately got his voicemail. UNfortunately, it was a prerecorded message, not his voice. No scoops there. He called me back around 9:45, but I didn't pick up the phone. I ignored his call for two reasons. (1) because I was too big of a chicken (2) because it was almost 10 o'clock at night and the last thing I want to do before bed is get nervous and/or tense (neurosis, clearly). So he emailed me to say he'd REALLY like to talk to me ... could we chat during the day, maybe during lunch? 

This irritated me (yes, I am easily irritated) for 2 reasons. (1) Ummmm ... - I have a job and do not wish to slack off during the day to talk to some guy that I MIGHT be interested in for the FIRST time. Duh. (2) I know I'm "perfection on a stick" (as one of my favorite people in the world recently told me), but HE doesn't know that. So what the hell is the rush? I mean, we met through a site called eharmony for christ's sake. I don't think there's a big hurry. Lucky for him, I'm not going anywhere. 

Mr. Futon

You will soon see that I have a habit (whether good or bad) of nicknaming people. It's something I picked up at work from my colleagues who also share this talent. I find it relevant to share this fun fact because I am going to start off my 'dating after divorce' blog with Mr. Futon.

Some people have suggested to me that the grocery store is a good place to meet potential dating prospects. I tend to disagree. While I grocery shop as much as every other food-loving American, I can honestly say that I've never seen anyone in the grocery store that I might want to have a future with, but that's just me.

I have, however, been asked out after visiting a futon store. Yup. True story. While shopping for a futon mattress last summer, I met the man I have since named Mr. Futon. Mr. Futon had owned his futon store for 27 years. He was one of the original futon sellers in the county. His entire family was in the futon business. All good information to have as a customer and I left the store satisfied with my futon purchase.

While on my way back to work, Mr. Futon calls to say that "in 27 years of business" he has never done what he's about to do -- ask me out. He thinks I have a nice smile. I seem like a nice person and he wants to know if I want to meet him for a drink or dinner. Ummmm .... now since this was not exactly someone I would want to spend time with, I froze. I froze and said, "I'll think about it." He responded by saying that it was up to me. If I was interested, I could give him a call. Now, this being my first post-marriage potential date experience, I wasn't exactly sure what to do. So I did nothing. I didn't call him back and I did think much about it. But I did get a good deal on that futon.

The internet

OK - here's where I really need help, the internet as a dating tool. Really? Really. 

I did it. I joined eharmony. I was bored. I was in a rut. And I wanted to see what's out there. Surprise, surprise ... it ain't pretty. I can honestly say that 95% of the "matches" are ridiculous. Lucky for me, they are almost comically ridiculous - (example #1: the semi-professional latin dancer whose pictures you can imagine for yourself). 

Aside from the entertainment factor (more of which I promise to share later), I'd like to get others feedback because I've found it to be a pretty disappointing experience. Sitting at the computer eating take-out sushi and drinking cheap wine while trying to find someone you can connect with just doesn't seem ideal. I know no dating scenario is ideal, but I still think there's something wrong with looking for love online. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe I'm old, but there's something a bit too cut through about it. I mean ... if you answer a question wrong, you're going to get eliminated. You're done. 

That's what I do. If you play the guitar, done. If you wear dark, think-rimmed glasses, sorry. If you ride a motorcycle, nope. If you're 42 and work for Enterprise Rent-a-Car, see ya. If you listen to the Grateful Dead, forget it! So maybe these internet sites have the right idea. One of the perks of dating after you've been through a marriage that isn't working is that you know you don't want to compromise anymore. If it isn't there, then it just isn't there, so why waste time? I just wonder if we can really tell that from "profiles," "must haves," and "can't stands."

One of the questions I was asked on eharmony is, "If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be and who would play you?" Seriously??? How does one even begin to answer such a juvenile/silly/telling question? Does this stuff work? They claim there's science behind it. Hmmm. 

More questions for us internet-daters to ponder: 

1. What 3 characteristics would your friends use to describe you? (I think I'd rather not know) 

2. What is the first thing people notice about you? (Ummmm, my hair. It's a little bigger than I am)

 

3. Your idea of adventure is:

A) whitewater rafting 

B) karaoke singing

C) finding a new route to work 

D) ordering a dish you've never tried before 

Do you think I turned away half of my prospects by honestly answering (c)? I would imagine so. But at least I don't have to see their eyes roll as I answer via computer.