My Old Man

I have an old man. Now I know this isn’t very politically correct so I’ll clarify. I own a cranky old man trapped in the body of a very adorable, very spoiled eight year-old Cocker Spaniel. He is the definition of “high maintenance,” but he’s been my baby since he was eight weeks and six pounds. He’s journeyed 3,300 miles across the country and lived in four different cities with me. I don’t know what I would do without him. I even pay monthly for his health insurance because I just would not deal well with any accidents that I can’t pay to fix.

Luckily, when I separated from my ex, it was a given that the dog (let’s call him Quinn) would stay with me. My ex had been around since Quinn was only a year old but clearly, the old man was mine. And I felt really bad about this. I was ending my marriage, breaking my vows, and I was also taking the dog. He was Quinn’s Dad. Quinn adored him like a Dad, but divorce is ugly and I wasn’t budging on this one. Quinn even started acting out when we first separated. When we would argue, he would hide under the table and whimper. He would lounge on the furniture when we weren’t looking and then refuse to move when we were. Sometimes, when we would get in the car and leave the house, he wouldn’t even look at me. And I’m not making this up.

So when I read this article, it made me laugh out loud. A divorcing couple spends $40,000 fighting for custody of their pug. Wow. Even I don’t think I would do that. Are they doing this in the best interest of the dog? Seriously … I love my dog and do consider him part of the family but I can only hope that if my ex had fought for him, we would have been able to resolve it out of court, without forking out $20 grand each. Why I think this I have no idea, with all evidence to the contrary but when I write it down, it makes me feel better.

Beware: pet custody has become a real issue that family courts are dealing with on a regular basis and decisions are based on criteria similar to child custody considerations. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. It’s the one issue I did not have to fight over so right now I’m just happy that I’m the one Quinn wakes up with his snoring.

http://www.totaldivorce.com/blog/2009/07/30/pet-pug-costs-couple-more-than-40k/

Recession Roomies

One of the newest trends the recession has created, or at least the most fascinating to me, is the movement toward separated couples staying together simply because they can’t afford to divorce. Not only is it “cheaper to keep her.” Apparently it’s cheaper to keep him as well.

When my divorce process began the economy was just pondering a nosedive, but the divorce would clearly mess up our financial plan. We obviously we not be continuing our savings and retirement plans together. We would have to pay lawyers, split our assets and debts and start over. One or both of us would have to move and we would have to sell the house, or at least try like hell. But during all of this, I never once considered not getting divorced because the process was giving my wallet a migraine. To me, divorce was the only way out of a big rut and I didn’t care how much it took to be on my own again.

But there are others who feel differently. In some cases, couples are deciding to continue living under the same roof and waiting to file for divorce until the economy improves. This, I have great respect for. I think. Personally, I cannot imagine voluntarily living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex. I did it for six weeks and it was unbelievably awful. It was one of the things he did to both make me crazy and to convince me to stay. He almost won on the former. I thought I might just lose my mind, but I walked away with my sanity because it was temporary and I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.

How people can live with their ex is just amazing to me. I wanted to run, run, run, as far as possible and never look back. I think people that can do this must be a special kind of people – people that can sit across the table from the person they no longer want to share their life with and … share their life with them. I realized I truly wanted a divorce when my mom asked me, “would you rather be alone than be married to him?” I said yes. And I meant it. I wanted to be alone – at least for the time being. I made a decision to be happy and that, unfortunately for everyone involved, did not include my husband.

I guess there are people out there who are more financially responsible, and patient, and selfless. Living with the someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life must be incredibly difficult but if you can come out on the other side of a divorce with at least your wallet intact, then you’re one step ahead of the rest of us. If you can do it, go for it because every other aspect of your life is going to change, saving some change in the process is a great idea.

Reason to Chill

More encouraging news on divorce released today. A recent University of Chicago study has revealed that people who have been divorced have a 12% higher rate of poor health and chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, compared to our married counterparts. It goes on to explain the additional possibility of mobility limitations, etc. and basically just makes me want to scream.

To add insult to injury (but not surprising), “women in unhappy marriages are more likely to experience injurious effects to their health than men.” And women more frequently suffer from signs of metabolic syndrome: including high blood pressure, obesity and other risk factors of heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

As if the aggravation and heartbreak and basic dismantling of life as you know it isn’t enough, we can now look forward to feeling the effects of this experience later in life. Although I separated from my husband two years ago, I clearly remember the nightmares, weight loss and the inability to concentrate coupled with the amazing ability to break into tears in a matter of seconds. I knew this was tearing me apart at the time. I knew if I didn’t manage it I would end up really sick, but I didn’t know I would have to deal with it again once it was all over.

Divorce is an overwhelming juggling act of emotions, many of which you didn’t even know you had. You’re unhappy, sad and depressed – and before this point, you weren’t exactly aware these were three separate things. You’re scared, uncomfortable and maybe even shocked. You question every decision you’ve ever made and any decisions you may make in the future. Everything you know is constantly changing and you have to be on your toes, ready to deal with the newest developments each day. How do you do this? You breathe.

You take one step at a time and make sure these steps contain deep breaths between each one. Exercise is a miracle – it was running for me, and yoga, and cuddling with my dog. Everyone needs to find their own escape – books, movies, volunteering, exercising or practicing your salsa moves in front of the TV. Whatever it is, just make sure you find it. Yoga and meditation are amazing ways to introduce healthy habits into your life for good. And the quicker you learn to manage these emotions, the better we’ll all be in the long run.

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Think Again

I mentioned in a recent blog that when I married my husband I must have known, on some deep level, that I was settling into my marriage. But for whatever reason, I didn’t let myself believe it. The sad part is that I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard stories from many divorced people, even married ones, who also feared on their wedding day that their marriage might not last into their golden years. Why did did we go through with it anyway?

Some women were marrying the perfect man. He was ideal on paper – good looking, well liked, financially stable and even a little romantic. Their parents loved him. He immediately fit comfortably into the family but on their wedding day, even these women had reservations. Still, they said their vows. The wedding was paid for, gifts had been bought and guests would soon arrive. Others, like myself, had a slight inkling, but weren’t willing to face the reality. No relationship is perfect, right? And isn’t it unrealistic and slightly naïve to expect perfection? You want to go into a life-long commitment with rational expectations. The fairy tale just can't work in real life, can it?

That’s what I thought. I thought I was asking too much in wanting perfection, in wanting to feel all the butterflies and giddiness that brides in movies seem to exude. I had a gorgeous dress and the wedding of my dreams. I was 29 years-old and the time was right. I had waited long enough and he came along. So why did I ignore my gut telling me that something was wrong? Because it’s easier to ignore a problem than face it, at least for a while. (Note to self: in the long run, this is a terribly bad idea.) So I ignored the fact that I went to bed alone on my wedding night because my new husband was too busy partying to accompany his bride. I even ignored the two Grateful Dead cover band concerts we went to on our honeymoon. Yup, that’s right. I said honeymoon.

But even those of us who had the perfect mate, some still ended up in divorce court. Is it because we married the wrong person? Is it because marriage takes work and we weren’t willing to do it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations of marriage? Is it because we felt unworthy and we’re afraid we don’t deserve better? I wish I knew.

I’ve been reading lately about pre-marital counseling and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s brilliant. If you would have asked me about this idea four years ago, I probably would have said that anyone who needs counseling before they get married is in real trouble. Now I think anyone smart enough to do this is way ahead of the curve. Marriage is rough, no matter how strong it is, and it does take work. Throw in a couple of kids, job loss or financial trouble, a sick in-law and you’ve got serious challenges on your hands. Learning to work through these issues, or at least step back and take a deep breath to realize you actually need to work through these issues, before you enter into a lifelong commitment, is a sharp move.

Even learning how to handle talking about your smallest pet peeves before they turn into reasons to go to marital counseling is a giant move. Not having to pay for a third party to listen to how your spouse just can NOT handle how you leave the ceiling fan on when you’re not in the room will save you time, money and aggravation. And I do believe that just the exercise of sitting down and discussing potential future challenges might give you the confidence you need to know for sure that this is the person you want to be with until death do you part.

Dress Me Up

Since I haven’t been out on too many first dates recently, I am somewhat clueless about what to wear. Apparently every single woman should have that “fabulous pair of jeans,” but I’m pretty sure I don’t. Should I head to the mall? I live in South Florida so dresses are always an easy and semi-cool option. Is that too dressy? I guess it depends on the date, but is there a general rule I should refer to?

As expected, there seems to be some debate on how revealing your first date outfit should be. Some advise toward doing everything you can to make the man drool in longing …. But I’m just not into that. I tend to lean toward conservative when it comes to dress (ok I’m really way conservative but I’m trying to work on that), so that rules out any micro-minis with revealing cleavage. And I do honestly feel that I shouldn’t need to broadcast my potential sexiness on a first date, but I can be seriously behind the times, even though I’m only 34. (Yes, I have been told over and over that I’m a young person in a way older person’s body. I believe the number 60 was mentioned. Fine.)

If there’s a safe-for-all-occasions first day outfit, I’m determined to find it. Is it out there? Doubtful, but worth a look anyway.

Jamming Down the Aisle

A new take on walking down the aisle that I just couldn't resist sharing. http://www.breakupgirl.net/?p=2021

The Question of Cohabitation

In the past week, I have come across a bunch of articles commenting on the recent study that claims couple who live together before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce and I just can't get this one straight in my head. I just can't imagine entering into a lifelong commitment with someone and not knowing all of the good, bad, AND the ugly. I mean, no matter how bad that one particular habit might be, at least you know about it before you say "I do." At least you've accepted it, if only on a subconscious level. 

There are so many comments about this study -- "Those who move in together before marriage are more liberal so they don't value marriage as seriously" or "Sharing a home before marriage can pressure people into getting married for all the wrong reasons," "Marriage is dead. It can't be saved. Get over it" or just that these studies are grossly misleading -- and I think they're all somewhat surprising. 

Maybe I'm behind the times. Maybe I'm ahead of the times. My opinion: living with another human being is hard, whether it's your partner, your roommate, your grandma, or your dog. You have to learn how to live with someone and I think you should make sure you can live with the person you're in love with with minimal aggravation before ... well before you commit to them for the rest of your life.  What do you think? Have we gone back to a place where it's safer for your relationship to keep the little things to yourself and keep your own place so you don't get pressured into marriage?