Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I recently came across this article on the five things men fear most about dating. I was struck by the first sentence, “most people don’t like to date.” Really? That’s excellent news. I thought I was the only one stuck in anxiety-ridden denial. It goes on to say that dating, “is a necessary stepping stone that many approach with resolve, dread or even fear.” Yup – I’m in for all three.

#1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends I have to say that I really have no desire to come between any man and his friends. I think friendships may just be the most important relationships we have in our lives. But if there’s a machismo thing going on and his buddies can’t accept that their friend is in a (hopefully) mature relationship, then I want no part of it. And I’d like some clarification: are men truly afraid that you’ll come between them and their friends or are they just scared they can’t act like college frat boys whenever they want?

#2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time I am not a trained psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I did take a class called “Marriage and Family” in college and I can tell you that one of the ways to ensure a healthy relationship is to have a balance of “me” time and “together” time. You are two people, not one, and spending time on your own and with people other than your mate can only strengthen what you have together. Bringing new perspectives or even hobbies to the relationship keeps it interesting, and keeps you interested in each other. I do love together time – don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think 24/7 together time is good for anyone.

On the other hand, If men fear being confined in a relationship, maybe they should discuss that with their potential partner (imagine the possibilities!). They may even find that their partner would appreciate time apart more than they would. Dating does soak up a big part of your free time, but isn’t that the point?

Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy As infuriating as this is, I don’t have the time or energy to get into why, over the centuries, women are continually classified as crazy, but it’s a persistent stereotype. Yes, we get our periods once a month, which usually sends our hormones into overdrive and we may act slightly irrational. But men are just as moody, if not more. (There's actually a street in my ex's hometown called "Moody Blvd." and I always used kid him that it was his street.) Anyway, if you don’t believe me, try to have a conversation with a man whose football team just lost their game. Women might cry over corny commercials or movies made by the Hallmark channel, but if it was ok for men to cry in public, they’d be all over it.

And if a guy is worried about the girlfriend who calls 20 times a day to check on him, then he needs to check on his own self-esteem. He’s the one who’s attracting someone who needs to need him. If this behavior bothers him, end it. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll do or who it will hurt. If it’s not working, say good-bye. You’re staying because you secretly like to be needed and you’ll keep dating the same woman over and over until you fix that. And if you see this scenario happen with your friends, don’t immediately blame it on the girlfriend, ok? 

Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him A man’s pride is a delicate thing. My mother always told me that my father got truly angry at her only when he knew she was right. Call a guy out on something and I bet you’ll find this to be the case. Men want to be right. Men want to be more successful than you. They want to be worshipped and they want you to look at them like they hang the moon.

When you truly love someone, I believe these things actually fall into place, but in the dating world, it’s hard to find someone that is on equal ground with you, knows he’s on equal ground with you and is ok being on equal ground with you. That is your true partner. So until you find that person, I say don’t worship anyone other than yourself (or your kids) and men, get over being threatened by successful women because they’re everywhere and you’ll have a better chance at finding a partner if you understand that and celebrate it. 

Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot and high maintenance women frighten the crap out of men. This is another area where you need to find an equal partner. I’ve known many women who spend an hour getting ready to go to the grocery story or won’t leave the house after they’ve had their eyebrows waxed because they look like they’re wearing pink eyeshadow. But I’ve also known men who take longer than their wives to get ready and require a separate bathroom with separate accoutrements.

If you fear women just cannot be pleased, again you’re dating the wrong women. If you can’t please her, end it and move on. If you really like her, explain your feelings to her and maybe you can work on it together. Otherwise, bye-bye. But I also wonder how/why you are afraid of attracting these women. Do you try to hard to please in general? Do you desperately want the approval of a woman? It’s a possibility. (Again, I'm not a trained psychologist.) 

As you can probably tell, I wasn’t all that impressed with this article but it is true that fear drives so much of our lives, especially when it comes to dating and even more so after divorce I believe. We’re all scared. There was a time when we thought we had it all under control and now we’re back out in the open, naked to the elements and trying to navigate our way without a g.p.s. Nonetheless, both partners must take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and the better we know ourselves, the better we’ll understand our potential partners. 

'No' in Training

I’ve never been good at saying no. I’m a Libra, an only child and an overall people-pleaser. I was always the most well behaved kid, the teacher’s pet and everyone’s parents’ favorite friend. A couple of years ago I was told that if I were a dog, I’d be a service dog. And yes, it was meant as a compliment. As an adult, I’d still rather say yes and consequently spend a lot of time I don’t have fulfilling my obligations than saying that word. OK – I have gotten better about this though; now I usually just lie, especially when it comes to dating.

If someone asks me out and I’m not interested, I just make something up. This is not as easy as it sounds, however, because when I get nervous, I’m not all that quick on my feet. A couple of months ago at a work function, a Florida Highway Patrol officer asked me out – via a colleague (come on!). So I lied. I said I was in a serious relationship. I did not specify that this relationship was with my 8 year-old Cocker Spaniel. I also did not specify that even if I was remotely attracted to this man, I’m not in the least interested in dating any type of law enforcement officer. I’ve had one hell of an experience in that area and do NOT wish to go there again. I know it’s not really fair to reject anyone who works in law enforcement, but my past experience was a doozy. (Note to reader: when the guy you're dating ends up on the front page of the newspaper for breaking the law when he should be enforcing it, it's time to call it quits.)  

So is there a better way to tell someone to hit the road without hurting their feelings?  Or do you just flat-out say no? No, I’m not interested? No, I’m busy? No, I don’t think that would work? No, but thanks for asking? Do tell. This puppy needs training. 

Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

According to Glamour magazine™, there are certain dating faux pas that women across generations tend to make.

First, women sometimes date just to date and because of this, get frustrated by the sheer number of unproductive, poor quality dates they end up on. Their suggestion is to redirect your negative energy and start over by dating only what you think of as “good guys.” There may not be as many dates in your future, but there won’t be as many duds either. Quality, not quantity. A novel idea.

Next, do not travel in packs. Men are not going to take out their bravery badge on a Friday night and filter through the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to ask you out. Getting shot down in front of a gaggle of girls? Not likely. If you’re out with the girls for a night on the town, great, but if you’re going out with the intention of finding a date, it’s better to fly solo. Glamour suggests a lounge or restaurant and indulging in a good book. I'm not sure if I'm quite that brave but you may be. 

To borrow from the popular expression that went from being the fountain of youth of vital dating information, to a Sex and the City episode, to a best-selling book, to a movie, “he’s just not that into you.” A man knows right away if he is attracted to you and if he wants to take it to the next level, he will. Don’t spend your time over-analyzing the date, phone call, email, text or Facebook comment. If you have time to do these things, chances are he’s not into you. If he likes you, you’ll know it.

Next, easy on the liquid courage. Women tend to make this mistake often. A couple of drinks to help you relax usually turns into 3, 4 or more and then you’re toast. This is when bad stuff happens and too much information is shared. You’re on a date, not a therapy session or with your best friend at the beach, so have a drink to relax and then try some lemonade or diet coke or something (caution against Red Bull). You don’t want him to see that side of you before he knows your middle name.

Hand in hand with liquid courage is verbal diarrhea. Let him talk. Listening is one of the most wonderful qualities and while he probably knows in the first 10 minutes whether he’s into you or not, let him talk so you can find out if you’re into him. Glamour says “allowing him to direct the conversation will also ensure that you don’t spill too much.” In my opinion, this technique also has the added bonus of flattery. Guys will think you’re a dream if it seems you are actually interested in what they’re saying.

The last suggestion Glamour gives is to “Mind your manners.” I would have thought this was a given, but I guess I’m wrong again -- here's when me being a 60 year-old in a 34 year-old body comes into play. So, don’t forget to smile, be polite, make eye contact and say thank you. Manners are key and will set you apart from everyone else when it comes down to it – just like a job interview, but I won’t get into the similarities between dating and job interviews right now, lucky for you. 

Fumbling Toward Independence

Exactly two years today I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not realizing the irony of ending my marriage on Independence Day, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I sincerely hope I will never have to do anything so difficult again.

I had been married for only 1 year and 8 months but I knew that the man I had given my future to was not the man for me. I’m not exactly sure how I knew this, but I did know that my husband did not bring out the best in me. And isn’t that what a marriage is supposed to do? Bring out the best in you so that you’re the best person you can be and be proud of that person?

The most agonizing part about trying to end my marriage, side by side with the fact that my husband did not feel the same, was that I couldn’t explain in concrete terms exactly why I wanted out. For about a year, I had been waking up every day and thinking to myself, ‘I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.’ I noticed that the more time I spent with my husband the more uncomfortable, tense and nauseated I felt. I was less willing to compromise and had almost no desire to have sex. He brought me flowers and I could barely make myself say thank you. I practically shunned his touch. Sadly, the more he tried to improve our relationship, the more I realized I didn’t want a relationship with him.

But telling your husband that you want to break your marital vows because you’re just “not happy” is not an easy route out the back door. He had a plea for every explanation I could offer: We’d only been married for a short time and marriages have ups and downs; we hadn’t spent enough time together because of his work schedule; I was unhappy at my job and that was clouding my judgment; I wasn’t crazy about his parents so we wouldn’t have to spend time with them; we could move back closer to my family. It was exhausting on both sides but on the positive side, each argument made me see more clearly how I was not playing the right role.

This was probably the most difficult time because of one thing: guilt. My husband had not done anything wrong. If anyone had, it was probably me. After all, I think I knew somewhere very deep in my heart that I was settling into this marriage, but I did it anyway. Nevertheless, the guilt was tearing me apart and I didn’t know where to turn. I even tried a divorce support group but that made me feel even worse because it was a bunch of people who had been dumped by their spouses. Not exactly the support I was hoping for. 

There are hundreds, probably thousands, of self-help books, websites, magazines and blogs that promise to help you through the divorce process and beyond – how to get through the legal battles, the loneliness, how to rally the support of your friends, talk to your children, know when you’re ready to date again. There are even a number of resources to help you through the difficulties of your marriage, counseling services that teach you how to reconnect with your spouse, get the romance back and rediscover why you got married in the first place.

But as far as I know, there are no resources out there to help you get from “I want a divorce” to signing the papers. In your mind, your marriage is over. You want the quickest, cleanest way back to single life. You know it’s the best thing for all parties involved but you’re unsure of the exact path. In my experience, when you get to the place where you're confident you want a divorce, you are emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  And it’s in this place that you have to find more strength and trust in yourself than you ever could have imagined.

First, you have realize you deserve more -- you do deserve to be happy. Then, you have to actually trust yourself and believe it, which, of course, is easier than it sounds. Lastly, you have to do something about it. You have to fight to make it happen. This is an incredibly difficult process and takes a great amount of time and energy. But I found it to be the most liberating process of my life. As I’ve said many times to many people, going through a divorce is both the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me.

There is something so amazing about realizing you’re at rock bottom and then realizing you, and only you, can pull yourself out of it. You are the most powerful person in your life and when the time comes, independence may be just what the doctor ordered. 

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

Having a Plan

A pretty decent article about dating after 35. I agree that that the key is knowing what you want and going after it. But in order to do that, you need to believe you're worth it and just because you're over 35 or wearing the Scarlet "D" -- it just doesn't matter. It's very easy to sit around and talk about how awful men are, especially when you've been treated poorly in the recent past. But if you actually want to have a future partnership with a man, you can only do that for so long.

The more I think about it, the more the dating process resembles a job interview. More on that soon.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/spiritualdating/4378/dating-tips-5-step-action-plan-for-single-women-over-35;_ylt=AlCbv1BwLv71KxTKDS1H1PwHJK9