First Steps / Second Time
The (hopefully) funny side of dating after divorce and beyond ...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Everything's Temporary!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Years that Answer
One of my favorite quotes of all time is from one of my favorite books of all time, Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God. I first read this classic American novel as a junior in high school, again as a senior in college and once since. This novel that ends with “So much of life is in its meshes! She called in her soul to come and see,” had a profound impact on me each time I read it, with every new reading seeming to awaken a different part of me that hadn’t quite developed yet. But the line I will remember and carry with me always is “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thankfully, 1+1=7.
There is a joke in my family that when it came to luck, we got on the wrong line. I have been blessed with a large, loving, fantastic family, but each and every one of us seem to have suffered more than our share of heartache and trouble. It took me a while to get over the bitterness of my own heartache and trouble and realize that having such a negative, victimized attitude wasn’t going to do anyone any good, especially me. Still, I never imagined I would – at any time in my life – feel like the luckiest person in the world. So the fact that I do is astonishing, incredible, unbelievable.
And to what do I owe this? I believe it is my new, instant family: the amazing man who recently came into my life and brought with him his two kids, dog and cat, and with whom my dog and I now share a home. I have always been quite the independent one and I’m proud of that. I know that relationships are not the path to happiness or the way we should judge ourselves, but over the past couple of years I have also learned how being in an unhealthy relationship can affect so many parts of our lives in ways I could never imagine. Now I’m seeing how the opposite can permeate every segment of our lives as well.
Seeing the good in everything and everyone is new to me and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. When I realized how truly unhappy I was in my marriage, I decided to end it, no matter what. Now that I see how insanely happy I can be, I don’t know what to do. I smile a lot. Sing a lot. Give lots of hugs and kisses to those I love. I have more energy. I’m more empathetic. And I’m even giving better advice. But I still find myself doing quite a bit of double-takes because I’m not exactly used to good things happening to me. So why are they?
I can’t find a very articulate answer to that question but I do know that I deserve to be happy. After all, it’s the reason I decided to end my marriage. I finally swallowed the fact that being in a relationship should be a positive thing; it should make us feel good, good about ourselves and our place in the world. It should be a place of comfort and solace, where fear and anxiety cannot comfortably live. A relationship is only good for us if it makes us better people, gives us strength and confidence and makes us smile. Otherwise, wouldn’t we be happier, more productive people on our own?
This is one of the important lessons I have learned over the past five years and it all seems worth it. Every second of anguish and aggravation have brought me to this place of total comfort and solace where there are not enough hours in the day to spend time with the one I love – the one who snuggles all night long, which could be the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. But I still wonder sometimes why this wonderful series of events has happened to ME. I still get frightened that I’m going to wake up from this beautiful dream.
So eventually I have to let these thoughts go and just be thankful, forever; sincerely thankful for the wonderful people and wonderful things that come my way. I’ve had this quote taped to my computer for years and I think it finally sunk in: “The world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.” Yes, gratitude is a strong emotion and one I will turn to from now on for those unanswerable questions.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Playing House
So why have I begun to scream bloody murder in my sleep? Because I’m a human being. One who’s made a few ‘I’m only human’ relationship decisions in the past and this is a life-altering leap. When I’m honest with myself I see that it’s not the cohabitation that has put the butterflies in my tummy. It’s the future – the part I always stress about. I’m not scared of the here and now, the dirty dishes in the sink, how we’ll decide who will make dinner and who will walk the dogs. It’s the big stuff, the real stuff, the meat of the future.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m still blissful and confident that this is the man who can make me happy for the rest of my life, but this meat I refer to -- this building of a family -- is seriously hard work. And out of ALL the people in the entire world … HE and I … have to be on the same page if we stand a chance. What are the odds? We met practically on a whim, fell in love against all odds (well, almost) but have been ecstatically happy ever since. I’ve even had the ache in my chest when I’m lying in bed alone, knowing that he’s doing the same thing across town. When he looks at me I almost melt because I know he feels the same way about me that I do about him.
But I have learned over the years that a perfect man does not make a perfect partner and even a perfect partner does not make a perfect relationship. When you throw children into the mix (among many other things), the challenges only multiply. I think my anxiety was delayed until now because one of the things I fell in love with was that he is already a fabulous dad. He’s practically raised two kids on his own and he’s ready to be a dad for the second time. And he’s ready to be a dad to MY future children. Amazing.
What’s the solution? I wonder. First, remind myself that I’m pms-ing. Check. Second, get my thoughts down on paper so I don’t explode. Check. Third, look honestly into my heart and ask myself what I truly believe. Check. Last, have a chat with the wonderful man who has agreed to take me for who I am and enjoy me being happier than ever before.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Bug
The biggest Hallmark holiday of the year is just around the corner. Traditionally I’ve lamented Valentine’s Day, like every other self-respecting woman in America, and gagged at each and every Jared and Kay Jewelers commercial. I'd roll my eyes as bouquets of red roses were carried down the office hallway and steer clear of restaurants, movie theaters and parks. Even when I was married or in the beginning stages of relationship bliss, I still didn’t get the hype. No matter what you’re partner/husband/boyfriend gets you, it’s never the right thing. So why bother? It’s just another opportunity for you to compare yourself to everyone else.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
And he vacuums
Monday, January 18, 2010
Dos Due Deux
Sometimes it surprises me how often I’m reminded that no matter how good things are, getting back out there -- dating the second time around -- isn’t as easy as one would hope. Let me clarify: I didn’t think it would be easy, but I certainly thought I’d be better at it, at least a bit. I mean I’m pretty darn proud of myself for recognizing an unhealthy marriage and managing to get out of it before the ties couldn’t be broken. And I’m proud that I’ve grown immensely from the experience (mentally and emotionally, of course). I’m much stronger than I was just a few years ago. I’m more confident and independent, and a ton more comfortable with me.
But now I am choosing to make it only a blessing from this point forward, and will not allow it to get in the way of my happiness. If I learned one thing from living in a marriage that doesn’t work it’s that you have to love yourself in order for anyone else to have even a chance to truly love you.
Divorce has provided me with a number of lessons and I’m determined to learn every single one of them. I’ve learned that there’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve learned how to make better decisions in the future than I have in the past. And I’ve learned that the future holds great things for me. Now I promise to create adequate space for those great things by being a good friend to the most important person in my life – me. I read in a magazine today and hope to carry this thought with me, “true love begins with both curiosity about and acceptance of yourself.”