Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Thankfully, 1+1=7.

Early on in my quest for answers about divorce, I often wondered why there were so many smart, funny, talented, beautiful women who were facing a life – at least temporarily – of minus one. I was grateful, however, that they we were in the same boat at the same time so we always had someone to lean on, cry to and most importantly, complain to about our attorneys. It was and is so puzzling to me how these wonderful women ended up with the short end of the straw in the relationship department. But recently, I’ve been confronted with yet another unanswerable question: How did I get to be so lucky?



There is a joke in my family that when it came to luck, we got on the wrong line. I have been blessed with a large, loving, fantastic family, but each and every one of us seem to have suffered more than our share of heartache and trouble. It took me a while to get over the bitterness of my own heartache and trouble and realize that having such a negative, victimized attitude wasn’t going to do anyone any good, especially me. Still, I never imagined I would – at any time in my life – feel like the luckiest person in the world. So the fact that I do is astonishing, incredible, unbelievable.


And to what do I owe this? I believe it is my new, instant family: the amazing man who recently came into my life and brought with him his two kids, dog and cat, and with whom my dog and I now share a home. I have always been quite the independent one and I’m proud of that. I know that relationships are not the path to happiness or the way we should judge ourselves, but over the past couple of years I have also learned how being in an unhealthy relationship can affect so many parts of our lives in ways I could never imagine. Now I’m seeing how the opposite can permeate every segment of our lives as well.


Seeing the good in everything and everyone is new to me and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. When I realized how truly unhappy I was in my marriage, I decided to end it, no matter what. Now that I see how insanely happy I can be, I don’t know what to do. I smile a lot. Sing a lot. Give lots of hugs and kisses to those I love. I have more energy. I’m more empathetic. And I’m even giving better advice. But I still find myself doing quite a bit of double-takes because I’m not exactly used to good things happening to me. So why are they?


I can’t find a very articulate answer to that question but I do know that I deserve to be happy. After all, it’s the reason I decided to end my marriage. I finally swallowed the fact that being in a relationship should be a positive thing; it should make us feel good, good about ourselves and our place in the world. It should be a place of comfort and solace, where fear and anxiety cannot comfortably live. A relationship is only good for us if it makes us better people, gives us strength and confidence and makes us smile. Otherwise, wouldn’t we be happier, more productive people on our own?


This is one of the important lessons I have learned over the past five years and it all seems worth it. Every second of anguish and aggravation have brought me to this place of total comfort and solace where there are not enough hours in the day to spend time with the one I love – the one who snuggles all night long, which could be the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. But I still wonder sometimes why this wonderful series of events has happened to ME. I still get frightened that I’m going to wake up from this beautiful dream.


So eventually I have to let these thoughts go and just be thankful, forever; sincerely thankful for the wonderful people and wonderful things that come my way. I’ve had this quote taped to my computer for years and I think it finally sunk in: “The world opens up to us when we live in a space of gratitude.” Yes, gratitude is a strong emotion and one I will turn to from now on for those unanswerable questions.