First Steps / Second Time: September 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Learning Patience

I had no idea it would be so hard to get divorced. I’m not totally clueless; I knew it would be an emotional roller coaster. I knew it would be a bummer for my bank account. But I didn’t realize it would be quite this difficult to get our signatures on the dotted line and join the more than 50% of Americans who check the 'divorced' box.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been that lucky. There are a number of reasons why I’m not divorced, even after a two-year separation, but it’s not worth me getting into. I have to take the blame for some of it – not being assertive enough in the beginning – but my ex and our incompetent lawyers are to blame for the most part. That is frustrating beyond belief.

The divorce process, if you are going to learn anything from it, requires a lot of soul searching. In my case, this was a somewhat unexpected but extremely welcome turn of events. After a time, it becomes natural and you learn to take things as they come a lot more easily than you used to. On most days, I accept the fact that this has taken a hell of a lot longer than I first anticipated, but on other days, I’d like to scream. Loudly. And repeatedly.

I want to believe that this endless delay is happening for a reason but no matter how hard I dig, I can’t seem to find one. Sometimes I think it’s a joke. Sometimes I think I’m on candid camera. Other times, I think I’m being taught a really, really important lesson and after this is over, my life is going to be a walk in the park. I mean, seriously. Couples with MUCH bigger contentions have resolved their issues in half the time. What gives? I thought I already learned this lesson.

Nonetheless, so begins yet another phase of the divorce process. The other day I sent a certified letter to fire my current (and second) attorney in preparation to hire my third. I’m hoping with all the hope I’ve got left that he is a miracle worker and can get me out of this hell as quickly and inexpensively as possible. A friend mentioned recently that 80% of divorced people don’t begin and end their divorces with the same attorney, so at least I’m not a complete failure. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with me.

And I’m beginning to wonder if anyone would know if I never got divorced. I’m living as a divorced person now. I’d save a lot of time and money if I just continued on this path. I really don’t care about my ex. He can fend for himself, for once. Oh, tempting, indeed.

I guess I just have to keep taking it day by day, deal with whatever I’m handed and hope, hope, hope that my third attorney can get me out of this ridiculous nightmare and let me let go, for good. I can probably get used to living in one awful cliche after another for a while. They say the third time’s a charm, right? But three strikes and I'm out. And three is definitely a crowd. But I have to be patient, because ... yup, patience is a virtue. And if good things come to those who wait, there's a ton of goodness coming my way.

Beginning Again

This blog is for those of you, the many of you, who find yourselves dating -- again.

You used to date when you were younger. It was fun sometimes. Other times it sucked. You laughed a lot. You cried a bit. But eventually you found "the one" and you decided to take the plunge. Most likely, an expensive white dress was involved, rings were exchanged, tears were aplenty and you were finally husband and wife -- a "we." You said to yourself (and probably your spouse) that the absolute BEST part of being married is that you never have to date ever again!

Fast forward a few years (or maybe more if you're lucky) and now you're the opposite of "we." You used to be a "we." Most of your friends are part of a "we," but you have have recently been handed the 21st century version of the Scarlet Letter: "D." You are now the friend that's divorced.

So, what do you do? You get bored. You try a new hobby or sport. Or both. You run a marathon. You build a house for Habitat for Humanity. You watch a ridiculous number of 'Sex and the City' reruns. If you're childless, you babysit your friends' kids. And then you realize that sooner or later you are going to have to get out there again. For many, it's no big deal. For others, it's rough. And I don't think the difficulty one finds in dating after divorce is necessarily relative to the number of years you were married. I think that if it sucked before you got married, it's probably going to suck now.

You're older, more set in your ways, not willing to deal with the crap you used to be and let's face it, you've put on a few extra pounds. Perhaps you've even grown a little cynical (thanks, Blue's Traveler), but ... as everyone reminds you ... you've got to start somewhere. So you go on that blind date, join the internet dating site or call the girl in high school you never had the guts to ask out because you just found out SHE's getting divorced.

Again, you take the plunge - just a slightly different one this time. You venture out into the world of first dates in your 30s, 40s or 50s. As you have probably guessed by now, I am in this very situation and I've found it both extremely funny and extremely irritating. I'm sure there are a number of self help books to guide me through this, but a wise and wonderful friend of mine suggested I start a blog. And I listened.

I'm hoping everyone out there who has been in this situation will share their stories with me, especially the funny ones. Because if we're going to get through this, god knows we need to laugh.