My Old Man

I have an old man. Now I know this isn’t very politically correct so I’ll clarify. I own a cranky old man trapped in the body of a very adorable, very spoiled eight year-old Cocker Spaniel. He is the definition of “high maintenance,” but he’s been my baby since he was eight weeks and six pounds. He’s journeyed 3,300 miles across the country and lived in four different cities with me. I don’t know what I would do without him. I even pay monthly for his health insurance because I just would not deal well with any accidents that I can’t pay to fix.

Luckily, when I separated from my ex, it was a given that the dog (let’s call him Quinn) would stay with me. My ex had been around since Quinn was only a year old but clearly, the old man was mine. And I felt really bad about this. I was ending my marriage, breaking my vows, and I was also taking the dog. He was Quinn’s Dad. Quinn adored him like a Dad, but divorce is ugly and I wasn’t budging on this one. Quinn even started acting out when we first separated. When we would argue, he would hide under the table and whimper. He would lounge on the furniture when we weren’t looking and then refuse to move when we were. Sometimes, when we would get in the car and leave the house, he wouldn’t even look at me. And I’m not making this up.

So when I read this article, it made me laugh out loud. A divorcing couple spends $40,000 fighting for custody of their pug. Wow. Even I don’t think I would do that. Are they doing this in the best interest of the dog? Seriously … I love my dog and do consider him part of the family but I can only hope that if my ex had fought for him, we would have been able to resolve it out of court, without forking out $20 grand each. Why I think this I have no idea, with all evidence to the contrary but when I write it down, it makes me feel better.

Beware: pet custody has become a real issue that family courts are dealing with on a regular basis and decisions are based on criteria similar to child custody considerations. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. It’s the one issue I did not have to fight over so right now I’m just happy that I’m the one Quinn wakes up with his snoring.

http://www.totaldivorce.com/blog/2009/07/30/pet-pug-costs-couple-more-than-40k/

Recession Roomies

One of the newest trends the recession has created, or at least the most fascinating to me, is the movement toward separated couples staying together simply because they can’t afford to divorce. Not only is it “cheaper to keep her.” Apparently it’s cheaper to keep him as well.

When my divorce process began the economy was just pondering a nosedive, but the divorce would clearly mess up our financial plan. We obviously we not be continuing our savings and retirement plans together. We would have to pay lawyers, split our assets and debts and start over. One or both of us would have to move and we would have to sell the house, or at least try like hell. But during all of this, I never once considered not getting divorced because the process was giving my wallet a migraine. To me, divorce was the only way out of a big rut and I didn’t care how much it took to be on my own again.

But there are others who feel differently. In some cases, couples are deciding to continue living under the same roof and waiting to file for divorce until the economy improves. This, I have great respect for. I think. Personally, I cannot imagine voluntarily living under the same roof as my soon-to-be ex. I did it for six weeks and it was unbelievably awful. It was one of the things he did to both make me crazy and to convince me to stay. He almost won on the former. I thought I might just lose my mind, but I walked away with my sanity because it was temporary and I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.

How people can live with their ex is just amazing to me. I wanted to run, run, run, as far as possible and never look back. I think people that can do this must be a special kind of people – people that can sit across the table from the person they no longer want to share their life with and … share their life with them. I realized I truly wanted a divorce when my mom asked me, “would you rather be alone than be married to him?” I said yes. And I meant it. I wanted to be alone – at least for the time being. I made a decision to be happy and that, unfortunately for everyone involved, did not include my husband.

I guess there are people out there who are more financially responsible, and patient, and selfless. Living with the someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life must be incredibly difficult but if you can come out on the other side of a divorce with at least your wallet intact, then you’re one step ahead of the rest of us. If you can do it, go for it because every other aspect of your life is going to change, saving some change in the process is a great idea.

Reason to Chill

More encouraging news on divorce released today. A recent University of Chicago study has revealed that people who have been divorced have a 12% higher rate of poor health and chronic conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, compared to our married counterparts. It goes on to explain the additional possibility of mobility limitations, etc. and basically just makes me want to scream.

To add insult to injury (but not surprising), “women in unhappy marriages are more likely to experience injurious effects to their health than men.” And women more frequently suffer from signs of metabolic syndrome: including high blood pressure, obesity and other risk factors of heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

As if the aggravation and heartbreak and basic dismantling of life as you know it isn’t enough, we can now look forward to feeling the effects of this experience later in life. Although I separated from my husband two years ago, I clearly remember the nightmares, weight loss and the inability to concentrate coupled with the amazing ability to break into tears in a matter of seconds. I knew this was tearing me apart at the time. I knew if I didn’t manage it I would end up really sick, but I didn’t know I would have to deal with it again once it was all over.

Divorce is an overwhelming juggling act of emotions, many of which you didn’t even know you had. You’re unhappy, sad and depressed – and before this point, you weren’t exactly aware these were three separate things. You’re scared, uncomfortable and maybe even shocked. You question every decision you’ve ever made and any decisions you may make in the future. Everything you know is constantly changing and you have to be on your toes, ready to deal with the newest developments each day. How do you do this? You breathe.

You take one step at a time and make sure these steps contain deep breaths between each one. Exercise is a miracle – it was running for me, and yoga, and cuddling with my dog. Everyone needs to find their own escape – books, movies, volunteering, exercising or practicing your salsa moves in front of the TV. Whatever it is, just make sure you find it. Yoga and meditation are amazing ways to introduce healthy habits into your life for good. And the quicker you learn to manage these emotions, the better we’ll all be in the long run.

Total%20Divorce%20Blog%20»%20Blog%20Archive%20»%20Chronic%20Health%20Conditions%20Linked%20to%20Divorce.webarchive

Think Again

I mentioned in a recent blog that when I married my husband I must have known, on some deep level, that I was settling into my marriage. But for whatever reason, I didn’t let myself believe it. The sad part is that I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard stories from many divorced people, even married ones, who also feared on their wedding day that their marriage might not last into their golden years. Why did did we go through with it anyway?

Some women were marrying the perfect man. He was ideal on paper – good looking, well liked, financially stable and even a little romantic. Their parents loved him. He immediately fit comfortably into the family but on their wedding day, even these women had reservations. Still, they said their vows. The wedding was paid for, gifts had been bought and guests would soon arrive. Others, like myself, had a slight inkling, but weren’t willing to face the reality. No relationship is perfect, right? And isn’t it unrealistic and slightly naïve to expect perfection? You want to go into a life-long commitment with rational expectations. The fairy tale just can't work in real life, can it?

That’s what I thought. I thought I was asking too much in wanting perfection, in wanting to feel all the butterflies and giddiness that brides in movies seem to exude. I had a gorgeous dress and the wedding of my dreams. I was 29 years-old and the time was right. I had waited long enough and he came along. So why did I ignore my gut telling me that something was wrong? Because it’s easier to ignore a problem than face it, at least for a while. (Note to self: in the long run, this is a terribly bad idea.) So I ignored the fact that I went to bed alone on my wedding night because my new husband was too busy partying to accompany his bride. I even ignored the two Grateful Dead cover band concerts we went to on our honeymoon. Yup, that’s right. I said honeymoon.

But even those of us who had the perfect mate, some still ended up in divorce court. Is it because we married the wrong person? Is it because marriage takes work and we weren’t willing to do it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations of marriage? Is it because we felt unworthy and we’re afraid we don’t deserve better? I wish I knew.

I’ve been reading lately about pre-marital counseling and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s brilliant. If you would have asked me about this idea four years ago, I probably would have said that anyone who needs counseling before they get married is in real trouble. Now I think anyone smart enough to do this is way ahead of the curve. Marriage is rough, no matter how strong it is, and it does take work. Throw in a couple of kids, job loss or financial trouble, a sick in-law and you’ve got serious challenges on your hands. Learning to work through these issues, or at least step back and take a deep breath to realize you actually need to work through these issues, before you enter into a lifelong commitment, is a sharp move.

Even learning how to handle talking about your smallest pet peeves before they turn into reasons to go to marital counseling is a giant move. Not having to pay for a third party to listen to how your spouse just can NOT handle how you leave the ceiling fan on when you’re not in the room will save you time, money and aggravation. And I do believe that just the exercise of sitting down and discussing potential future challenges might give you the confidence you need to know for sure that this is the person you want to be with until death do you part.

Dress Me Up

Since I haven’t been out on too many first dates recently, I am somewhat clueless about what to wear. Apparently every single woman should have that “fabulous pair of jeans,” but I’m pretty sure I don’t. Should I head to the mall? I live in South Florida so dresses are always an easy and semi-cool option. Is that too dressy? I guess it depends on the date, but is there a general rule I should refer to?

As expected, there seems to be some debate on how revealing your first date outfit should be. Some advise toward doing everything you can to make the man drool in longing …. But I’m just not into that. I tend to lean toward conservative when it comes to dress (ok I’m really way conservative but I’m trying to work on that), so that rules out any micro-minis with revealing cleavage. And I do honestly feel that I shouldn’t need to broadcast my potential sexiness on a first date, but I can be seriously behind the times, even though I’m only 34. (Yes, I have been told over and over that I’m a young person in a way older person’s body. I believe the number 60 was mentioned. Fine.)

If there’s a safe-for-all-occasions first day outfit, I’m determined to find it. Is it out there? Doubtful, but worth a look anyway.

Jamming Down the Aisle

A new take on walking down the aisle that I just couldn't resist sharing. http://www.breakupgirl.net/?p=2021

The Question of Cohabitation

In the past week, I have come across a bunch of articles commenting on the recent study that claims couple who live together before marriage are more likely to end up in divorce and I just can't get this one straight in my head. I just can't imagine entering into a lifelong commitment with someone and not knowing all of the good, bad, AND the ugly. I mean, no matter how bad that one particular habit might be, at least you know about it before you say "I do." At least you've accepted it, if only on a subconscious level. 

There are so many comments about this study -- "Those who move in together before marriage are more liberal so they don't value marriage as seriously" or "Sharing a home before marriage can pressure people into getting married for all the wrong reasons," "Marriage is dead. It can't be saved. Get over it" or just that these studies are grossly misleading -- and I think they're all somewhat surprising. 

Maybe I'm behind the times. Maybe I'm ahead of the times. My opinion: living with another human being is hard, whether it's your partner, your roommate, your grandma, or your dog. You have to learn how to live with someone and I think you should make sure you can live with the person you're in love with with minimal aggravation before ... well before you commit to them for the rest of your life.  What do you think? Have we gone back to a place where it's safer for your relationship to keep the little things to yourself and keep your own place so you don't get pressured into marriage? 

 

Flying Solo

I have recently discovered an extraordinary website called Jane Nation. Jane Nation is all about women at all the different stages of our lives. You can share thoughts in the Powder Room, meet friends in the Jane Network and join a Sisterhood, among other things.

Each Sisterhood is dedicated to a different stage of your life: new motherhood, beginning your career, getting married, being a caregiver for your aging parents or the one I gravitated to: Flying Solo. As it implies, Flying Solo is all about … Flying Solo. Now that I’ve written my first blog for the Flying Solo Sisterhood, I thought I’d share it with you.

When most women think of Flying Solo, I think what comes to mind are images of fear and loneliness, but as a divorcé in waiting, I’m finding it fabulous! Don’t get me wrong – the divorce process is a nightmare that I would never wish on another human being (except, of course, my in-laws), but being on your own again can be so rewarding.

After I separated from my husband and got my own place, all by myself, just me and the dog, it was glorious. The condo had some serious issues like a washing machine that didn’t work and a tile countertop from the early 80s, but I didn’t care. And I still don’t. I reveled in every second of unpacking my stuff and deciding willy-nilly where to put it. I have the entire medicine cabinet to myself. I keep the a/c at the temperature I like. I don’t have to clean up anyone’s dishes and I don’t have to be awakened by loud farts in the middle of the night.

I’m taking the time to enjoy these little things because that’s where my life is right now and having the freedom to make such little decisions can really be liberating. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to watch chick flicks anymore. In fact, I invite the chicks over because my place is the perfect girls night spot. Sometimes it’s hard to get used to living without your “plus one,” but there are many positives to flying solo. Now if the dog would only stop hogging the bed …

Check it out at http://www.janenation.com/

Dating Mistakes

This is a great, commmon- sense article about getting out there again - and stepping out of your comfort zone a bit.

http://romance.exofire.net/dating-after-divorce-are-you-making-a-big-dating-mistake-that-stops-you-from-loving-again/

The Power of One

Today is one of those days. It’s one of those days when I feel completely powerless. One short email from the divorce attorney du jour can set me back just when I thought I was headed in the right direction. But this feeling is one of those things you need to learn to live with when you’re going through a divorce. In my experience, it’s unusual for you to be able to control any part of the process. Your ex has control over some things; your lawyers have even more control and a random judge in the family court system of Orange County, Florida just might control your fate. 

Without sounding too much like the therapist I’m not, the one thing you do have control over is your feelings and this is a very important distinction. From every divorced or separated person I’ve ever spoken to, we’re all in agreement that the feeling of powerlessness is frustrating to the point of maddening. You’re trying to move on with your life; trying to make all the right decisions (to make up for the not so right ones you made before), but sometimes circumstances just won’t cooperate and you end up walking, very assertively, into a brick wall.

This, of course, also makes you scared. It’s frightening to not know what the future will bring, where you’ll be living this time next year, or if you’ll have to sell your jewelry to pay your attorneys (yes, I meant plural attorneys). But on the other hand – and I think this the reason why many women finally decide to go through with it – divorce can also give you back your power. You are stuck in an incredibly uncomfortable situation and nearly every aspect of your life has changed. But you’re on your own and that can be a wonderful relief. YOU can decide how to make it work. You can decide how you want to spend every second of your day. You can even decide leave the TV on while you’re in the shower, leave your dirty laundry on the floor, or have cereal for dinner. But most importantly, you can decide to take your power back.

Over a year ago I cut out a quote by Danica Patrick from Shape magazine and I’ve had it pinned up on my bathroom mirror ever since. It reads, “give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.” This is an amazing and empowering thought, but sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to try something new or we just don’t muster the energy and/or courage it takes to do so. Sometimes the husband and kids are a good excuse – you just don’t have the time. More often I think we’re our own worst excuse. But what better time to try something new than when you’re going through immense change anyway? What better way to prove to yourself (the only person that really matters) that you are better than that past life and you need to start creating more positive opportunities in the future?

As a divorcé in waiting, I ran my first half-marathon. I honestly don’t think I decided to do it to make myself feel better about my situation but it definitely did the trick. I was looking for a meaningful volunteer opportunity, something more than stuffing envelopes or standing behind a booth at a fair, so I went to a meeting about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training program. I was blown away by the presentation and I signed up immediately. The Society trains you to run a marathon or half marathon and you raise money for vital research on blood cancers and care for those who are plagued with these cancers.

I had always been a very amateur runner, so 13.1 miles was going to be a major feat for me, but I was committed and so were my wonderful teammates. For four months, we trained. We arose sometimes at 4am on Saturdays to run 4, 7, 10, miles and each week I felt better and better (with the exception of my heel injury which was worsening). By the time race day arrived, I was so proud of myself I almost couldn’t stand it. I finished those 13.1 miles, despite my i-Pod malfuction at mile 1½, and I almost cried as I crossed the finish line. I had raised $1,500 for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society but I had also raised my self-esteem to a whole new level. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but I had, completely on my own.

There is absolutely no better feeling when you’re stuck in powerless city, than to do something that you never thought possible, because if you can accomplish something truly significant to you in the midst of a sad, frustrating and extremely exhausting situation, then I happen to think you can do anything. And that is an important step in taking back your power. 

V.P. of Standards

Everyone has their standards. Everyone on this earth sees things from a different perspective and judges the things that are important to them differently. I find this extremely interesting when it comes to dating because everyone’s idea of the ideal mate is so, well, different. So often I’ve worked with someone for months (or years) and gotten to know them before I meet their partner and then … I’m shocked! Either they go together really well and I just wouldn’t have predicted it or they don’t go together at all but you don’t know how to tell them (what do you know, anyway?). This, apparently, was the situation with my ex but people didn’t exactly have a problem telling me. The problem was that I didn’t listen.

The conundrum I’ve found in dating after divorce is that your standards have changed since the first time around and once you get over the initial trauma, you usually know what you’re looking for and don’t bother with what you’re not. But is this an injustice to your future relationship status? Since my marriage ended, I have erected extremely high standards and as of right now, I’m not looking to adjust them. A friend of mine mentioned that my standards might be a tad too high and I might want to lower them a bit, but isn’t that how I got into this mess in the first place? Uh, yes.

So, for now, I probably won’t be going on too many dates because George Clooney seems like a commitment-phobe and Bradley Cooper seems busy with Jennifer Aniston, at least temporarily. And I’m fine with that, really. I’d much rather go for quality, all the way. But it can cast a shadow of doubt that by not giving certain men a chance, I could be losing out on something great. I mean, my standards are high: no mandals, unless you’ve had a pedicure in the recent past; no Sundays on the couch watching sports – college or pro; no baseball caps, unless you’re actually playing baseball; and no home improvement projects. If I want to improve the house, I’ll hire someone to do what I want, not you. Sorry. Oh, and I prefer a non-smokers who aren't die hard Grateful Dead fans.

There is the chance, however, that the not extremely-attractive man your friend sets you up with might be someone you could have a future with. Maybe you’re not initially attracted to him, but if your friend went to the effort to hook you up, you could give him a chance. At least one date, right? You never know. My parents, who have been married for 42 years, hated each other when they met and both went to their boss to say, “either he goes or I go.” Eight months later they were married.

But no matter how many times I go back and forth about this, I never seem to be able to conjure up the energy to go for someone I’m not really jazzed about. Maybe that will hurt me in the long run, or maybe I’ll save myself from a ton of awful dates. I just feel that there is someone out there who lives up to my standards and I want to be with someone who lives life with grace and graciousness and wants to be with someone whose standards are as high as mine. For this I refer to the gold standard: Audrey Hepburn. Can you see her dating a man wearing Teva’s and a baseball cap? I think not. 

http://www.datingish.com/706968026/my-standards-are-too-high-but-i-like-it/

All Aboard

I find it both incredibly awful and wonderfully comforting that a number of my friends are also going through divorce hell right now. I cannot figure out how or why so many of these smart, good-looking, funny, wonderful women are all in the same boat, but at least we have each other to lean on.

It’s a strange feeling when you know that you can call or text a friend on any given day and ask how her appointment with her lawyer went, but reassuring that when you need to vent about the calls or appointments with your lawyer (any one of the possible four), they’ll be there and they’ll get it. They’ll understand why paying $27.50 for a quick phone call to your lawyer’s paralegal makes you crazy or how the terms ‘bifurcate’ and ‘decree nisi’ should automatically come with explanations in English. Plain and simple – it sucks. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to make it better, but good friends can offer an empathetic ear and more importantly, make you laugh when you didn’t think legalese and hourly rates could make you giggle.

It’s a life-saver that when you need to re-live every single detail in your head out loud just to keep your head on straight, you’ve got someone who will listen and not judge. Sometimes your stories are better than hers and sometimes it’s the other way around. There are even times when a friend’s ex will make yours look like prince charming, but in my case, that’s rare. I happen to think that some of the things my ex did trump any story I’ve heard yet. For close friends, I even offer one of my stories as a “if you’re feeling bad about your divorce, this will make you feel SO much better.”   

I just noticed that I am sans de vin right now and I most definitely should not be. Anyway, it really is a relief when you know that one friend or another, or a bunch of them, will be ready for drinks on Friday night and you don’t have to worry about being the third or fifth wheel, or whoever you’re with being on a husband hunt. 

But how did this happen? I don’t think I’ll ever understand so I guess I should just be thankful: thankful that I’m not alone, or lonely. It’s an amazing feeling to be alone, yet not lonely, but it can be easy to forget that in the midst of starting your entire life over from scratch. We’re all starting over from scratch and we’ve all experienced the plethora of highs and lows that accompany this process. The most important saving grace for me is my friends. 

Settling In

One thing I’ve learned through living in a marriage that isn’t working is that I am no longer willing to settle. I have finally come to a place where I know what I want and I’m not willing to accept less. More importantly, I’m not ashamed of it. Life is short and you have to find joy wherever you can get it.

I didn’t really know that I once was wiling to settle, but apparently I was. Because of this, and a little thing called love, I settled into a marriage that wasn’t right for me – for either of us, truly. Luckily, I realized this before we had children together and before our whole lives had passed us by. And I really do consider myself lucky. Sometimes our moms are right. Some times things do happen for a reason. Or as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love, "God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)."

I think this makes dating after divorce both easier and more difficult. It’s easier because you’re more comfortable with yourself and you know what you want, but more difficult because it’s harder to find what you want and even harder to sit across the table from someone you know isn’t right for you and just pretend. Pretending isn’t fun and I seem to get worse at it as I age. I was never a good actress but now I don’t even have a stage to separate me from my audience.

I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re just dating to date, little things don’t matter quite as much, but if you’re dating to find a potential life partner, the pressure’s on.  I read recently that the most disastrous dating mistake you can make is dating with the goal of marriage in mind. I’m still not sure how I feel about that, but nonetheless I read it in a book that was published by a real publishing company so there is probably some validity there.

This brings me to the idea of non-negotiables. You’ve been married. You’re either divorced or currently experiencing a divorce and if you’re anything like me, you’ve learned through the ridiculously awful “D” experience that you’re no longer willing to take anyone’s crap. So, if you might be looking to find a long-term partner somewhere down the line, it is suggested (I heard) that you make a list of your non-negotiables – the things that truly matter to you, and the areas you’re not willing to compromise in. Marriage, or any relationship really, is about compromise. Learning to work and live together is an art and in that situation, no one can have their way all the time. That said, there are things that you are not willing to compromise on and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it because it’s part of who you are.

I did this with my ex-husband as part of marital counseling. My list included my in-laws not being permitted to get stoned in the house while their grandkids were asleep in the next room, baptism if we ever had those kids, savings accounts for their college educations and their grandparents being a big part of their lives. My ex’s list included a high-quality stereo with giant speakers for parties and … and I honestly cannot remember anything else.

Although we ended up in divorce court anyway, I do think it’s an important exercise. As with anything you really want in life, isn’t the first step identifying what you want so you can work toward it? And you’re less willing to back-peddle under pressure if you’ve clearly identified where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. In the world of dating in 2009, this list is sometimes called a “Manfile” and I believe it’s a good place to start because if you don’t know what you want, how are you ever going to get it? 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I recently came across this article on the five things men fear most about dating. I was struck by the first sentence, “most people don’t like to date.” Really? That’s excellent news. I thought I was the only one stuck in anxiety-ridden denial. It goes on to say that dating, “is a necessary stepping stone that many approach with resolve, dread or even fear.” Yup – I’m in for all three.

#1: You’ll Come Between Him and His Friends I have to say that I really have no desire to come between any man and his friends. I think friendships may just be the most important relationships we have in our lives. But if there’s a machismo thing going on and his buddies can’t accept that their friend is in a (hopefully) mature relationship, then I want no part of it. And I’d like some clarification: are men truly afraid that you’ll come between them and their friends or are they just scared they can’t act like college frat boys whenever they want?

#2: You’ll Soak Up All of his Free Time I am not a trained psychologist. I am not a relationship expert. I’m not even in a relationship right now, but I did take a class called “Marriage and Family” in college and I can tell you that one of the ways to ensure a healthy relationship is to have a balance of “me” time and “together” time. You are two people, not one, and spending time on your own and with people other than your mate can only strengthen what you have together. Bringing new perspectives or even hobbies to the relationship keeps it interesting, and keeps you interested in each other. I do love together time – don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think 24/7 together time is good for anyone.

On the other hand, If men fear being confined in a relationship, maybe they should discuss that with their potential partner (imagine the possibilities!). They may even find that their partner would appreciate time apart more than they would. Dating does soak up a big part of your free time, but isn’t that the point?

Fear #3: You’ll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy As infuriating as this is, I don’t have the time or energy to get into why, over the centuries, women are continually classified as crazy, but it’s a persistent stereotype. Yes, we get our periods once a month, which usually sends our hormones into overdrive and we may act slightly irrational. But men are just as moody, if not more. (There's actually a street in my ex's hometown called "Moody Blvd." and I always used kid him that it was his street.) Anyway, if you don’t believe me, try to have a conversation with a man whose football team just lost their game. Women might cry over corny commercials or movies made by the Hallmark channel, but if it was ok for men to cry in public, they’d be all over it.

And if a guy is worried about the girlfriend who calls 20 times a day to check on him, then he needs to check on his own self-esteem. He’s the one who’s attracting someone who needs to need him. If this behavior bothers him, end it. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll do or who it will hurt. If it’s not working, say good-bye. You’re staying because you secretly like to be needed and you’ll keep dating the same woman over and over until you fix that. And if you see this scenario happen with your friends, don’t immediately blame it on the girlfriend, ok? 

Fear #4: You Won’t Respect Him A man’s pride is a delicate thing. My mother always told me that my father got truly angry at her only when he knew she was right. Call a guy out on something and I bet you’ll find this to be the case. Men want to be right. Men want to be more successful than you. They want to be worshipped and they want you to look at them like they hang the moon.

When you truly love someone, I believe these things actually fall into place, but in the dating world, it’s hard to find someone that is on equal ground with you, knows he’s on equal ground with you and is ok being on equal ground with you. That is your true partner. So until you find that person, I say don’t worship anyone other than yourself (or your kids) and men, get over being threatened by successful women because they’re everywhere and you’ll have a better chance at finding a partner if you understand that and celebrate it. 

Fear #5: You’ll Be High Maintenance High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot and high maintenance women frighten the crap out of men. This is another area where you need to find an equal partner. I’ve known many women who spend an hour getting ready to go to the grocery story or won’t leave the house after they’ve had their eyebrows waxed because they look like they’re wearing pink eyeshadow. But I’ve also known men who take longer than their wives to get ready and require a separate bathroom with separate accoutrements.

If you fear women just cannot be pleased, again you’re dating the wrong women. If you can’t please her, end it and move on. If you really like her, explain your feelings to her and maybe you can work on it together. Otherwise, bye-bye. But I also wonder how/why you are afraid of attracting these women. Do you try to hard to please in general? Do you desperately want the approval of a woman? It’s a possibility. (Again, I'm not a trained psychologist.) 

As you can probably tell, I wasn’t all that impressed with this article but it is true that fear drives so much of our lives, especially when it comes to dating and even more so after divorce I believe. We’re all scared. There was a time when we thought we had it all under control and now we’re back out in the open, naked to the elements and trying to navigate our way without a g.p.s. Nonetheless, both partners must take responsibility for what happens in a relationship and the better we know ourselves, the better we’ll understand our potential partners. 

'No' in Training

I’ve never been good at saying no. I’m a Libra, an only child and an overall people-pleaser. I was always the most well behaved kid, the teacher’s pet and everyone’s parents’ favorite friend. A couple of years ago I was told that if I were a dog, I’d be a service dog. And yes, it was meant as a compliment. As an adult, I’d still rather say yes and consequently spend a lot of time I don’t have fulfilling my obligations than saying that word. OK – I have gotten better about this though; now I usually just lie, especially when it comes to dating.

If someone asks me out and I’m not interested, I just make something up. This is not as easy as it sounds, however, because when I get nervous, I’m not all that quick on my feet. A couple of months ago at a work function, a Florida Highway Patrol officer asked me out – via a colleague (come on!). So I lied. I said I was in a serious relationship. I did not specify that this relationship was with my 8 year-old Cocker Spaniel. I also did not specify that even if I was remotely attracted to this man, I’m not in the least interested in dating any type of law enforcement officer. I’ve had one hell of an experience in that area and do NOT wish to go there again. I know it’s not really fair to reject anyone who works in law enforcement, but my past experience was a doozy. (Note to reader: when the guy you're dating ends up on the front page of the newspaper for breaking the law when he should be enforcing it, it's time to call it quits.)  

So is there a better way to tell someone to hit the road without hurting their feelings?  Or do you just flat-out say no? No, I’m not interested? No, I’m busy? No, I don’t think that would work? No, but thanks for asking? Do tell. This puppy needs training. 

Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

According to Glamour magazine™, there are certain dating faux pas that women across generations tend to make.

First, women sometimes date just to date and because of this, get frustrated by the sheer number of unproductive, poor quality dates they end up on. Their suggestion is to redirect your negative energy and start over by dating only what you think of as “good guys.” There may not be as many dates in your future, but there won’t be as many duds either. Quality, not quantity. A novel idea.

Next, do not travel in packs. Men are not going to take out their bravery badge on a Friday night and filter through the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to ask you out. Getting shot down in front of a gaggle of girls? Not likely. If you’re out with the girls for a night on the town, great, but if you’re going out with the intention of finding a date, it’s better to fly solo. Glamour suggests a lounge or restaurant and indulging in a good book. I'm not sure if I'm quite that brave but you may be. 

To borrow from the popular expression that went from being the fountain of youth of vital dating information, to a Sex and the City episode, to a best-selling book, to a movie, “he’s just not that into you.” A man knows right away if he is attracted to you and if he wants to take it to the next level, he will. Don’t spend your time over-analyzing the date, phone call, email, text or Facebook comment. If you have time to do these things, chances are he’s not into you. If he likes you, you’ll know it.

Next, easy on the liquid courage. Women tend to make this mistake often. A couple of drinks to help you relax usually turns into 3, 4 or more and then you’re toast. This is when bad stuff happens and too much information is shared. You’re on a date, not a therapy session or with your best friend at the beach, so have a drink to relax and then try some lemonade or diet coke or something (caution against Red Bull). You don’t want him to see that side of you before he knows your middle name.

Hand in hand with liquid courage is verbal diarrhea. Let him talk. Listening is one of the most wonderful qualities and while he probably knows in the first 10 minutes whether he’s into you or not, let him talk so you can find out if you’re into him. Glamour says “allowing him to direct the conversation will also ensure that you don’t spill too much.” In my opinion, this technique also has the added bonus of flattery. Guys will think you’re a dream if it seems you are actually interested in what they’re saying.

The last suggestion Glamour gives is to “Mind your manners.” I would have thought this was a given, but I guess I’m wrong again -- here's when me being a 60 year-old in a 34 year-old body comes into play. So, don’t forget to smile, be polite, make eye contact and say thank you. Manners are key and will set you apart from everyone else when it comes down to it – just like a job interview, but I won’t get into the similarities between dating and job interviews right now, lucky for you. 

Fumbling Toward Independence

Exactly two years today I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not realizing the irony of ending my marriage on Independence Day, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I sincerely hope I will never have to do anything so difficult again.

I had been married for only 1 year and 8 months but I knew that the man I had given my future to was not the man for me. I’m not exactly sure how I knew this, but I did know that my husband did not bring out the best in me. And isn’t that what a marriage is supposed to do? Bring out the best in you so that you’re the best person you can be and be proud of that person?

The most agonizing part about trying to end my marriage, side by side with the fact that my husband did not feel the same, was that I couldn’t explain in concrete terms exactly why I wanted out. For about a year, I had been waking up every day and thinking to myself, ‘I deserve better. I deserve to be happy.’ I noticed that the more time I spent with my husband the more uncomfortable, tense and nauseated I felt. I was less willing to compromise and had almost no desire to have sex. He brought me flowers and I could barely make myself say thank you. I practically shunned his touch. Sadly, the more he tried to improve our relationship, the more I realized I didn’t want a relationship with him.

But telling your husband that you want to break your marital vows because you’re just “not happy” is not an easy route out the back door. He had a plea for every explanation I could offer: We’d only been married for a short time and marriages have ups and downs; we hadn’t spent enough time together because of his work schedule; I was unhappy at my job and that was clouding my judgment; I wasn’t crazy about his parents so we wouldn’t have to spend time with them; we could move back closer to my family. It was exhausting on both sides but on the positive side, each argument made me see more clearly how I was not playing the right role.

This was probably the most difficult time because of one thing: guilt. My husband had not done anything wrong. If anyone had, it was probably me. After all, I think I knew somewhere very deep in my heart that I was settling into this marriage, but I did it anyway. Nevertheless, the guilt was tearing me apart and I didn’t know where to turn. I even tried a divorce support group but that made me feel even worse because it was a bunch of people who had been dumped by their spouses. Not exactly the support I was hoping for. 

There are hundreds, probably thousands, of self-help books, websites, magazines and blogs that promise to help you through the divorce process and beyond – how to get through the legal battles, the loneliness, how to rally the support of your friends, talk to your children, know when you’re ready to date again. There are even a number of resources to help you through the difficulties of your marriage, counseling services that teach you how to reconnect with your spouse, get the romance back and rediscover why you got married in the first place.

But as far as I know, there are no resources out there to help you get from “I want a divorce” to signing the papers. In your mind, your marriage is over. You want the quickest, cleanest way back to single life. You know it’s the best thing for all parties involved but you’re unsure of the exact path. In my experience, when you get to the place where you're confident you want a divorce, you are emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted.  And it’s in this place that you have to find more strength and trust in yourself than you ever could have imagined.

First, you have realize you deserve more -- you do deserve to be happy. Then, you have to actually trust yourself and believe it, which, of course, is easier than it sounds. Lastly, you have to do something about it. You have to fight to make it happen. This is an incredibly difficult process and takes a great amount of time and energy. But I found it to be the most liberating process of my life. As I’ve said many times to many people, going through a divorce is both the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me.

There is something so amazing about realizing you’re at rock bottom and then realizing you, and only you, can pull yourself out of it. You are the most powerful person in your life and when the time comes, independence may be just what the doctor ordered. 

Babes in Waiting

As an adult, the subject of whether or not you will have children is a very sensitive topic, especially for women. As a woman, if you do not have a maternal instinct and desire to procreate, society will most likely think of you as some sort of science experiment: strange, selfish and for the most part, a non-woman in a woman’s body. Women are supposed to want to have children who will call them “mommy” until they’re 30, who they can ooh and aah over for their entire lives, embarrass during their teenage years, be baffled by in their adulthood years and pester when they are married with their own children. (Note: this is not a scientific definition of motherhood.)

For the dating population, particularly after a certain age, the subject becomes even more sensitive. As we get older and may or may not have been married, each of us – men and women – have a reason why we have not yet had children. Maybe we just haven’t found the right person. Maybe we thought we found the right person and are now thanking our lucky stars we realized our mistake before we had kids. Maybe some of us were scared to try, or tried and tried unsuccessfully.

No matter what the reason, if you find yourself over 30 and without kids, when you enter the dating scene, it’s gonna come up. Guys are usually pretty frightened to broach the subject. If they bring it up early on in the relationship or on a first date (heaven forbid), they’ll look desperate, needy and quite possibly a little gay. I, honestly, would love to find a guy who brought up the subject of children on a first date. Then I would know whether to spend any more time with this person, but I am definitely in the minority.

If a woman brings it up, however … whoah! Stop the press! Guys will turn and run as soon as they can because they suddenly see you as a woman on a mission and “Eye of the Tiger” begins to play in their heads: a mission to steal them away from their friends, eliminate their Sunday sports rituals, make them speak in baby-talk and basically steal their manhood for the next 18 years. I don’t know why men are so afraid of this conversation. I am sure there are just as many men out there who want to start a family as women, but the stigma remains.

Then I heard a story that blew all of my thoughts, theories and ideas on baby talk and dating into outer space. A friend of mine was on a date with a nice, decent enough guy that she was having a good time with when he committed two first-date felonies: First, he brought up a past date and second, you know what. He told her the story of how he approached the subject of starting a family with someone he once dated. Her answer to his inquiry, “No, I can’t have children” puzzled him a bit and he wasn’t sure how to react. Was there something serious that he didn’t really want to get into, like cancer or a hysterectomy? Well, he decided to go for the gold and ask her anyway.

“Oh, really,” he said. “Why not?” To which she replied, "because I used to be a man."

Having a Plan

A pretty decent article about dating after 35. I agree that that the key is knowing what you want and going after it. But in order to do that, you need to believe you're worth it and just because you're over 35 or wearing the Scarlet "D" -- it just doesn't matter. It's very easy to sit around and talk about how awful men are, especially when you've been treated poorly in the recent past. But if you actually want to have a future partnership with a man, you can only do that for so long.

The more I think about it, the more the dating process resembles a job interview. More on that soon.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/spiritualdating/4378/dating-tips-5-step-action-plan-for-single-women-over-35;_ylt=AlCbv1BwLv71KxTKDS1H1PwHJK9